Aspies For Freedom

What is DIY?

No, I haven't read the book, and I am not sure I want to after reading the reviews. But I think I will check out their website, to see what they have to say. Gisela's reply to you was friendly and thoughtful.

This far the most helpful books I have read are Maxine Aston's two books, 'The other half of Asperger Syndrome' and 'Aspergers in Love', as well as 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships' by Ashley Stanford (she is the NT partner in her marriage).

I just wished that there was more advice and more books written on couple relationships where the female partner is the one with AS. Because the dynamics are quite different from marriages where the male partner is the Aspie.

Thanks, Amy. That's something I'd be a lot more inclined to do than housework, since I hate housework, but enjoy fixing things up. Too bad that Ken thinks he should do the fixing (which he is terrible at) because he is the guy, and I ought to do the housework, because it's a female job (and he is actually better at it than I am).

But he hates painting and wallpapering, so that is my job.

what's housework?

anyway, have read "loving mr spock", when i was trying to learn about my then partner, who has AS (this was before i realised i have AS).  i cried most of the way through it.  "Relate" in the UK (used to be the marriage guidance service) have a number of publications on AS and relationships.  i haven't got any references, but i'm sure they'll have a website.  i've read one of the books they mention and found it very useful indeed, especially as i had already had training and expereince in teaching kids with AS (rita jordan - never mentioned anywhere on AS sites, and absolutely stunning - i sat and listened to her practically without moving for nearly 3 hours!), but had little idea of how different AS is in adults.  this reading is what got me thinking about AS and me, so, by inference, it must be good (or, at least, pertinent).

Maybe it has more to do with habit than sexism?

Sometimes its nice to just fall into a role without thinking about it. Saves on brain cells.

I AM glad my husband helps out with chores, though...and I certainly don't mind fixing things when I get half the chance.

That's more for parents than for partners, it's more about explaining friendships etc. to kids than about adult relationships.

I have the book but what is meant by 'relationship' in pertaining to that book is social relationships, like friendships. It has nothing to do with marriage or dating.

I find the title misleading. Only one partner has AS. A true AS marriage, like mine, would mean both partners have it.

                                     Jerry Newport

Everything that is written in An Asperger Marriage is what I lived during my own marriage with a NT spouse who came from a dysfunctional family and had no real ability to love and nurture. Not that she didn't want to, she couldn't.

This went on every day all those years until one day I "shut down" on her. Until that moment I had been like a Mister Solutions Man until it dawned on me that I could no longer "come up with solutions". The situation was not changing.

One night she asked me: "So when did you stop loving me?" as if she was wondering why, and then I told her point blank. Personal but my verbalizing had an unusual clarity and free-flowingness for the tongue-tied Aspie that I usually am. Normally, arguing with her was like arguing with a good lawyer but that time, I had the floor and I said my piece.

A few more nights after, she said, "Pap, I want a divorce". I accepted without any ado. The split hurt at first but the pain was very short-lived. As for my end of the bargain, it was like a release from imprisonment.

I think this lady expected a bit too much in some ways. I also disagree with the comments at the end of the article that we all "misunderstand emotions", "facial expressions" and so on.

What's wrong with asking for things directly eg. "could you buy me a drink, please" or saying at someone's place "oh, it's quite late now - time for us to go home".

Of course telling somebody with autism that we "are lost in the woods" is open to misunderstanding. It would have been better to say that there were many misunderstandings.

Oh, that dismally dreary ballad "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" has a lot to answer for. As well as inducing instant nausea when heard on the radio, it seems to have inculcated this idea that a woman isn't loved if she isn't brought flowers.

Sure, flowers are nice but they soon wilt and die. I'd rather get either a flowering plant or a nice plant that will keep growing and last for a long long time. That would be more practical.

Yes, I don't think I would like this Ms Slater-Walker much either. She sounds like a very vain and superficial person. I feel a bit sorry for her in some ways but also think she expected way too much of her Aspie husband.

I will never understand why any NT person and any AS person would want to marry. I could understand such a couple having a fling, just for curiosity's sake, but marrying? You can't be truly in love if you don't truly understand the other person, and ....

I think it's a sad thing that books like these have a market.

Yetti wrote:
"....  I don't hang around such people as you describe.. Those are YOUR friends... Don't make aspies look like the people YOU choose to hang around. ... "

Actually I was referring to the marriages of family members, not friends, as you incorrectly presumed. As they say, you can't choose your family, and you can't choose the stupid relationships that they get into.

As you asked, my husband and I have been married for around 10 years, with kids, high-maintenance, intellectually gifted, somewhat AS kids.

What's so bad about having children?

I think it is true that aspie people come across as difficult when they feel they are made out to be in the wrong in a relationship and therefore have to do all the changing.

I hate being in verbal conflicts and prefer peace. Where I struggle is with organisation within the home. At work, I'm usually reasonably good but at home, organising meals and chores is a worry.

A good partnership will draw on each person's strengths and there won't be this expectation that they both have to be exactly the same as each other.