Amy Thank you for these book titles... I am an Aspie and my husband is an NT and we have been together 33 yrs as of this year...
In marriage and a wonderful 25 yr old NT child we produced... My husband stated when I told him about this thread that my aspie traits are one of many facets of my personality... not just the only trait... I was very picky with whom I chose to marry.. I think many people rush into marriages without thinking.
I found a review about this book, I havent read it myself, I thought the reviews were interesting, anyone else read it?
Book Info
(Jessica Kingsley) Examines a successful marriage from two perspectives: a husband who has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and his wife coming to terms with a marriage in which there would never be an intuitive understanding despite her husband's good intentions. Softcover.
About the Author
Gisela and Chris Slater-Walker have been partners for eleven years. Both gained BA (Hons) in Russian Studies from Manchester University. Gisela is an English teacher at Aylesbury High School, and Chris works in the computer industry.
Book Description
Four years ago, Chris Slater-Walker was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. For him this was an explanation of why he has always regarded himself as 'socially handicapped,' but for his wife Gisela it meant coming to terms with a marriage in which there would never be any intuitive understanding, despite Chris's good intentions. This book is an open and honest account of a long and still unfinished process of learning to live with a disability that some regard as incompatible with marriage. It is a story whose wider implications will be of compelling interest to anyone who has encountered autism spectrum conditions.
Evidently mistreating people is OK if they're disabled?, October 29, 2004
Reviewer: D. M. Degraf "Autistic Moggy Mania" (Happily Autistic in Northern California) - See all my reviews
There are many great books about how to have a happy relationship with somebody on the autism spectrum -- just look up Patrick McCabe, Ashley Stanford, or Linda Holliday Willey to see a few. Sadly, unlike those, "Asperger Marriage" focuses almost entirely on the many ways that the AS guy has it drilled into his head that he is inferior, that he is not worthy enough to have his needs met, and that it does not matter if he is in outright pain as long as the "normal" people are happy.
It is mentioned that he is suicidally depressed, and it's no surprise -- nor is the sad reality that over the years he has been trained to believe he deserves no better. Knowing he has extremely sensitive hearing, his wife yells in his face; aware that he can't handle confrontation or chaos, she throws things. She deliberately sets up situations that are extremely stressful, confusing, or upsetting to him, then once again nastily tells him off and shows her disgust with him for showing even in the slightest of ways that he's bothered by those things. When others in society show their prejudice against the disabled, she makes it very clear that she is ashamed of him rather than of their bigotry! It's quite depressing, and I don't think that you have to be autistic to feel that treating another human being so callously is wrong.
Obviously there are difficulties and pitfalls in any relationship, but throwing things, name-calling, yelling, and vicious put-downs aren't exactly a great example to set for handling them. If anything, I'd say that being the first to write upon a topic of having a certain kind of disabled partner is even better reason to *not* hold verbal and physical violence towards them in high esteem.
Relationships are supposed to be an island of loving acceptance in a cold harsh world, and such an island is what we should all strive to give our partners, especially those that already have to struggle with a handicap in everyday life. It is what my partner has given me, and what I do my absolute best to give him. Unfortunately, "Asperger Marriage" has not been useful in pursuing this goal, as it can only give an idea of how *not* to treat our loved ones, regardless of what their neurology is.
Reviewer: Parrish S. Knight (Silver Spring, MD United States) - See all my reviews
My partner and I are both on the autistic spectrum, and we've been buying a number of books to help us be aware of the potential pitfalls we may face in our relationship. While "Asperger Marriage" is an interesting account of a couple in which one partner is autistic and the other is not, it should not be thought of as the type of "self-help" book that my girlfriend and I thought it was. Rather, those in such relationships would do better to regard it as an example of possible difficulties they themselves may be facing in their relationships, not as a source of guidance on how to address and overcome those difficulties. Provided the reader enters into the reading with that in mind, "Asperger Marriage" is a worthwhile book for those in similar relationships.
Reviewer: Linda Newland (Oregon, USA) - See all my reviews
WHY is this book good? Because like the first book dedicated to Asperger Marriage, Maxine Aston's "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome," Gisela and Chris Slater-Walker have broken the barrier of the ring of "silence" surrounding partners' description of their own unique relationships in a "mixed marriage."
For anyone wishing to understand one couple's take on Asperger marriage, this book is a "must read." It is such a book not for the truth it depicts about AS, but for the process of frank communication and openness much needed in our culture of secrets about life-altering differences and the common phenomenon of late-life adult diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome.
WHY is this book important?
(1) It is important for readers to appreciate that mixed marriages exist, and they not only "survive" but thrive largely due to the open exchange of views between the partners. Because of the prevalence of Asperger Syndrome and a fifty-fifty chance that a primary relative is also somewhere on the autistic spectrum whenever a school child or young adult is "discovered," these "discoveries" come from somewhere. In most cases, AS children come from "mixed marriages."
(2) Within such marriages, especially where there are children, there are discrete, distinct voices waiting to be heard, each voice "speaking" from its owner's unique perspective. Disparaging those voices because they aren't harmonious is not respectful nor is it an intelligent kind of criticism.
On the cover of the book, the marriage band is not "broken." Some persons with AS will say, "My non-spectrum spouse is playing 'victim' and trying to change me or 'fix' me when I don't see a need to be changed. I am NOT broken!" In this book, Gisela and Chris offer a different perspective, revealing their frustration and discomfort as publicly to each other as they do to us, their readers. To bottle up such feelings works havoc on a marriage where both partners are trying to understand one another. For both partners to express themselves so openly is neither an act of abuse or disrespect. It is testimony to their courage and the faith they both share in the strength of their marriage.
Gisela is one of the founding members of ASPIRES. ... ASPIRES is
dedicated to supporting the open discussion of marital and couples' issues of AS couples for the purpose of greater understanding and enrichment of this special relationship.
Linda Newland, Co-Founder and list serv owner, ASPIRES
Roger N. Meyer, Co-Founder of ASPIRES and author, "Asperger Syndrome Employment Workbook"
Reviewer: William McNeill "WooDMaN" (Michigan United States) - See all my reviews
First comment: Flog the editor. Perhaps the cumbersome and confusing writing-style was intentional; however, I fear that it was merely sloppy.
Second comment: Having AS myself, I was hoping for insights into coping and avoiding pitfalls. Instead, what I got was a chronicle of another couple's fumbles, stumbles and misunderstandings. I suppose the book lived up to its title; it never promised that it contained solutions or recommendations, merely that it was about An Asperger Marriage. I am still surprised by Tony Attwood's endorsement of this book.
Summary: If you want a peak into the lives of one "Asperger Marriage", this book may be for you. If, on the other hand, you're looking for advice and guidance, keep looking. (and let me know when you find it!)
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