So... here I am. Reading through all of these forums realizing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have AS. I have been thinking ever since a friend mentioned something about how autism has ranges and I looked up AS on wikipedia... I had thought I probably had it. Every test I have taken online or otherwise has come up super high. And so I searched these forums this evening thinking that I would discover that one thing that would prove that I'm not... and I can't find it. I've been obsessing over this for over a month now. I can't seem to get it out of my head... So much of me LOVES hearing about it and making all of these lost connections in my head. So many AHA moments for me lately as I have realized the real reason I do things. I had made so many work-arounds in my head that I really wanted to believe I was normal. But I knew I wasn't. And so many sad realizations that I probably wouldn't ever be able to handle a real business meeting like I always pictured in my head. (You know, the one where I present my ideas on a nice black board and everyone in the room nods and smiles and shake my hands.) Its like the beginning and the end. I know I sound rather depressed right now. I really am not. Its just that if you've been looking at yourself in a mirror that is distorted and you finally see yourself clearly, you notice the good and the bad all at the same time.
So my thing is this... where do I go from here? How do I deal with this "label" and move on to dealing with my JUST my life again? I've managed to learn a lot of coping mechanisms all by myself without anyone's diagnosis. But now I feel like I'm lying when I don't tell people exactly what's going on with me... when I make a slip up and say something stupid I can't say, "ha ha ha, I'm so funny today" Instead I feel like I should tell poor person all this that's going on in my head. Its almost like all this AS stuff has sent me into overdrive where I'm either over compensating or not trying at all.
{sigh} I need to go to bed before my brain implodes on me or something. :)
So... here I am. Reading through all of these forums realizing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have AS. I have been thinking ever since a friend mentioned something about how autism has ranges and I looked up AS on wikipedia... I had thought I probably had it. Every test I have taken online or otherwise has come up super high. And so I searched these forums this evening thinking that I would discover that one thing that would prove that I'm not... and I can't find it. I've been obsessing over this for over a month now. I can't seem to get it out of my head... So much of me LOVES hearing about it and making all of these lost connections in my head. So many AHA moments for me lately as I have realized the real reason I do things. I had made so many work-arounds in my head that I really wanted to believe I was normal. But I knew I wasn't. And so many sad realizations that I probably wouldn't ever be able to handle a real business meeting like I always pictured in my head. (You know, the one where I present my ideas on a nice black board and everyone in the room nods and smiles and shake my hands.) Its like the beginning and the end. I know I sound rather depressed right now. I really am not. Its just that if you've been looking at yourself in a mirror that is distorted and you finally see yourself clearly, you notice the good and the bad all at the same time.
So my thing is this... where do I go from here? How do I deal with this "label" and move on to dealing with my JUST my life again? I've managed to learn a lot of coping mechanisms all by myself without anyone's diagnosis. But now I feel like I'm lying when I don't tell people exactly what's going on with me... when I make a slip up and say something stupid I can't say, "ha ha ha, I'm so funny today" Instead I feel like I should tell poor person all this that's going on in my head. Its almost like all this AS stuff has sent me into overdrive where I'm either over compensating or not trying at all.
{sigh} I need to go to bed before my brain implodes on me or something.
i think there is a number of us experiencing the same thing, my own story lies in this thread somewhere if you want to read it...
http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthre...792&page=2
I think that the very existence of this forum means that we all care to know.
One thing you said interests me - you said "I really wanted to believe I was normal."
My son was diagnosed with Asperger's about 15 years ago, while he was at secondary school, and I have always felt that he and I are very similar in our ways. And today I took a battery of self-diagnosis tests that stronly suggest that I am an Aspie, too.
But over the last few weeks I have been pondering on the idea, and I feel that the word normal actually should INCLUDE Asperger's syndrome. Humanity is a broad spectrum of types ranging from Morlocks to Eloi, and when I think about stuff like the oral tradition of recording history, spontaneous inventions throughout history, all sorts of things that happened when the majority of people couldn't write, I think that Asperger's syndrom could actually be a normal part of the spectrum.
Maybe it's a naive way of thinking about it, but maybe all these "abnormal" syndromes are part of the evolutionary process.
Anyway, we aren't "abnormal" we are unusual, maybe even unique. Like rare stamps, we are collector's items.
Welcome to the forums sarahjoke! goingnorthwest! Bagga!
Thinking about it I would say that naivity definitely isn't a negative thing. Maybe there really is a creature behind all religions and what not. A collector and admireree of the unique...
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