Aspies For Freedom

I don't know if this is the right place or way to post this, but I have serious problems with keeping in contact with my family members, and now it's at the point where some of them are obviously upset with me.  I need a little outside advice.

I will try not to make this an epic novel...  Edit:  I failed.
I'm a diagnosed aspie (diagnosed a year ago), but my own mother will not believe the diagnosis, nor will my grandmother, in the sense that she nods and says, "ah, okay" but isn't interested in actually understanding anything about it.  It makes it impossible to explain my actions, or lack thereof, as anything less than deliberate intent to upset, alienate or distance people, which most of my actions, or lack thereof, do.  

Dealing with my family face-to-face involves full-time wearing of the NT suit.  It is stressful to put on the act, but more stressful in the long run to deal with the fallout of not doing so.  Most of the time, I am just myself, and that is apparently a bad thing.  I don't feel the slightest need for regular social interaction with people.  I enjoy talking with people, but not in the way they usually want to chit chat about nothing.  I never pick up the phone unless it is ringing or I have something to say to the person I'm calling.  I don't see the point of calling someone just to chat.  I hate it when people call me and don't have anything to say, because I usually don't, either - not anything they want to hear, anyway.  Unfortunately, I _AM_ very good at telling when I have conversationally bored someone into a daze after, and very good at doing just that.  I hate it, because it's a reminder that I have been trying and failing for years to teach myself when to shut the heck up.  Thus, I avoid.

Lately, however, my grandmother and mother have a lot to say, about how I never call them.  My mother got very upset with me on Sunday because I would not travel for an hour each way on the bus to come to some social in-home clothing line show and sale with a her and a bunch of strangers in some woman's living room (a situation I would go BONKERS in) with her and my grandmother.  So, what I think they want is for me to call them, even though it would not be out of sincere desire to speak with them, and force myself into an anxiety attack in front of strangers oohing and ahhing over clothes.  (I was utterly amazed that people actually do this sort of thing.)  

They want me not only to pretend when I'm with them in some social situation (usually a party for someone I don't know), which is infrequent thus tolerable, but all the time.  Drop what I'm doing.  Pick up phone.  Dial.  Say, "hi."  Hope for a minimal awkward-silence count.  Delight in the having made them happy?  How often?  What do I say?  Not to mention, they would of course know as much as I did that my dramatic shift in telephone habits was due to their complaining and nothing else.  

Of course I love them both, and I know they love me, but I don't feel the need to reaffirm this 3x a week, whereas they do.  But given that they don't believe I'm anything beyond the weird girl in the family, they immediately take offense to my explanations as to why I don't call them.  "What do you mean you don't like calling people just to chat?  How can you tell me you love me but you don't feel that means you need to call me every week in the same breath?  How could you say something so mean?"

Right... I guess I should also say, I don't mind when they call me.  They can call me and I'll sit there and talk to them for as long as they want, as often as they want, but that's apparently not good enough.  So do I fake craving of social chatter with the family and call them at least once a week, having nothing to say, ultimately resenting them a little bit more each time for forcing me through a pointless charade, or do I put my foot down and tell them, this is just how I am, believe it, or don't, but either way, deal with it and call me yourself if you want to talk?  See, I don't want to upset them, but I haven't the first clue how to make them happy without driving myself insane.  

I figure I shouldn't have to put on an act to 'prove' my love to my family, but I guess I'm wrong.

I totally feel you on this one, I got that a lot too, especially when I was 18-21. (By the way, how old are you?)

Forgive me if any of this sounds rude, but like you I too have a few shortcomings in social graces.

"I'm a diagnosed aspie (diagnosed a year ago), but my own mother will not believe the diagnosis, nor will my grandmother..."

That happens.  "Aspie" is kind of a derogatory term.  It's not derogatory in and of itself, but it comes with that price tag of social status - and just like anything with a social status price (suffering from mental illness always comes with a hefty price tag in one's social status) - "normal" parents are going to refuse their kid is terminally and irrevocably weird in some way.  Imagine you're a gay teen coming out of the closet - how horrible is their relationship with their family those first few weeks after they come out?  

"Dealing with my family face-to-face involves full-time wearing of the NT suit."

No offense, but the answer is simple: Deal.  You have to be the one to go that extra mile, because every relationship in your life is going to be 60-40 or greater (and that's if you don't know the person), and anyone with a conscience is gonna be on the 60 end of that transaction almost all the time.

It's completely foolish and inefficient for the majority to accomodate the minority - convincing one person to behave like the others is much more sensible than convincing everyone else to put up with someone else's awkward behavior.  It will ALWAYS be an uphill battle, because that's just the way people are.  And part of growing up is accepting that people will always be people - you'll never get them to reason with you because hell, you're sure as hell not gonna reason with them because they're being thick-headed and obstinent and selfish...just like every other human being on the planet.

So if you really want to make your social red-chip a sticking point between yourself and your family, that's your prerogative.  If you love them enough to want to be with them, you'll deal with the emotional "fallout" and do it on their level...or a better way of putting it, do it on their channel.  Or, you'll just have to deal with your crappy family situation and accept the hand you're betting with.

Either way, life is just a simple task of playing with the crap hands God deals you with what wealth you're able to amass (or be handed), and if you happen to find a wife and have children and continue the cycle, regardless of the hand you play, you win.  Life's such a simple, tiresome, boring, grueling game.

And the meaning of life is making the simple, tiresome, boring, and grueling game as fun as it can be - but only if the more important things are taken care of first.  And then the meaning of life is doing the important things and enjoying yourself while doing them.  And then the meaning of life is trying not to get distracted by finding the ever-changing meaning of life while continuing to enjoying the life you live.

Double post, since I can't edit:

To clarify myself, by "every relationship in your life is going to be 60-40 or greater" - I meant 60% give and 40 take, or greater, meaning greater amounts of giving to lesser amounts of taking.

And for the rest of it, in the words of Spock: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...or the one."

Until I was about 16 or 17, I thought you HAD to pick up the phone when it rang, like it was some kind of unbreakable universal law. Someone once mentioned that you don't have to, and now I screen my calls. That is, I almost never pick up the phone. If it's important, they'll leave a voice mail. My mother hates hates that she can never reach me. She's always complaining about it. Frankly, I don't really care. She gives me a headache.

My point is, don't be anyone but yourself. You do have to make an effort to make them comfortable when you're around them, but I know how exhausting that can be. I'd lose myself completely if I went 100% of the way. 60-40 is good enough. Don't let them take your identity away from you.

You should go only as much as you want to. You don't have to go even 1 if you don't want to. People can do what they want with their life but never to the extent of sticking their nose to other people's lives in ways that are not welcome by the other person. I would say if you really want to satisfy them you can call but if you did you wouldn't post about it here. I think we should try be be ourselves and let other people be themselves, if most people don't like it when we be ourselves, screw them

I'm 28, and I am married (for over 8 years now) with two children.  I do understand that it's simply more practical for me to adjust to my family than for them to adjust to me.  I don't think I've undergone a dramatic shift in personality in the last year or anything, but I have been adjusting to the idea that at the root of things, there is an explanation as to why I have been such a social misfit all of my life, but that it's not an excuse for me to simply drop off the face of the earth where those I have established familial or social connections with are concerned.  I just don't want them to take it personally when I decline invitations to non-family social events or feel uncomfortable being the one to call them.  It came as a shock to me that these two family members were upset with me, because between them, they call 4-6 times a week.  They just want me to make the call sometimes, and for some reason, the idea of doing so fills me with anxiety.  It doesn't make any sense when I think logically about it, but it makes me really uncomfortable when I think about doing it.

I don't know if it's just because it's yet another frequent demand for me to spontaneously do something out of character to please other people, not that I don't want to please my family, or if I fear that the call in itself will somehow disappoint them and give them some other stupid thing to complain about.  But I'm starting to wonder if it is because I'm already quite overloaded with responsibility, and I'm horribly forgetful.  I live by my PDA at work, or I'd probably get fired.  I am too easily lost in the first thing I start doing.  The idea of forgetting to call and having to be repeatedly questioned as to why is not a pleasant one.

I do understand that it's a big leap for them to go from accepting that I'm a little weird about some things to accepting that I have this thing called Asperger's Syndrome, especially in the light of the fact that one of my children has been diagnosed with it also, and that failed their acceptance test, also.  I could go on about all of the nasty things they said about it, and the absurd show of denial they put on over things they have said or noticed themselves, but I don't want anyone to fall asleep reading.

Forget about having them accept that you have an Asperger's diagnosis.  The problem is that they feel upset that you are not accepting their social invitations.  They might feel that there is some reason such as you are angry at them, other than you just don't have time or interest in that.  So make a compromise with them.  Talk on the phone once per week unless there is an emergency.  Social visits, limit them to a short meal or tea.   Maybe bake something and take it.  You can tell them that you are busy with the kids/work and need some time to relax.  Maybe they can come over and take the kids out and give you some peace time if that is what they want.  

I talk to my mom about one per week  (down from daily when I first moved out).  And visit two or three times per month.  My husband insists we visit with in-laws every week.  My mom is old and just doesn't have anyone to talk to .

Hiya JLS and welcome on here. Talking to people is not really my strong point either and I usually work on the basis that if someone wants to make conversation with me they will initiate it. It also alleviates any fears that I have disturbed them or that they do not want to talk to me or are just doing so out of being pleasant or polite.

There are also several strong points I disagree with my mother on - she believes the world is gonna end any day now via bird flu, war with iran or god knows what else. As a result my 13 year old brother is not allowed to attend school. I personally feel I should call social services and tell them its bullsh*t that he is being home educated when he blatently is not being. I have 2 younger sisters, 1 witha  child and 1 expecting (21 and 20) but they do their own thing and even when I go to visit, despite it being 50 miles away only the elder one makes the effort to spend time with me. So when someone does not always want to spend time with their close family i do understand why.

And the irony of it all is that they say we're the ones who're un-empathic