I am wondering how a lack of empathy affects social interaction, people have said to me that I seem to have no empathy, but since I don't fully understand empathy, I'm not sure whether this is true. I am writing a report about AS (for me) and I would like to know whether anybody has any ideas about this.
Thanks!
I forgot to add, if you do have ideas about this please forward them, since answering the question literally and just saying you have an idea about it, isn't much help. I add this because that is something I would probably do.
Thanks!
I am not sure if this was what you didn't want:
Empathy: Understanding the situation of another person
Sympathy: Compassion
That means that you could have empathy if you know exactly how to make another person's life hard.
To me, empathy means "I feel your pain" (to quote Bill Clinton).
My impression is that while Aspies may not feel your pain, we'll do our best to help solve your problem.
Ok, some examples: when someone dies after a long illness, I don't feel too much grief or understand why the family is crying so much. I feel more that the person is not longer suffering and that should be a good thing. Anyway, everyone has to die one day. Until someone would point out to me, imagine how you would feel if your parent (sibling, grandparent) died. I don't understand how other people would feel and it is difficult for even me to imagine my feelings if I never knew that situation in my own life. Understanding how someone else feels is empathy.
I can still try to feel compassion for people. So then I learn what is the right thing to say at a funeral.
Another part of empathy is understanding what might make someone happy. I have a really difficult time knowing the right thing to say that will make people not angry. I also have a difficult time choosing gifts for people that are appropriate. I just would like a giant rule book to consult for every occasion. I get called rude or inconsiderate quite often. Even when I don't mean to be.
I can't and won't do fake concern.
I do not always find it easy to empathise with people and sometimes I can not see what the problem is or why they are complaining about something. However I do seem to have some sort of instinct about people when they claim there is nothing wrong and yet I know there is. Maybe that is because I do the same thing myself and claim things are ok when they are not.
Empathy is feeling the same emotions you see other people feeling. It's a sort of "hive mind" thing NTs do; and it helps make their relationships closer, deeper, and more indispensible.
If you're an Aspie without empathy, that doesn't mean you can't feel compassion. Compassion is more intellectual: It's a desire to have someone who feels bad, feel better. You don't need to feel what they're feeling for that.
I'd say that is a nicer thing to be able to do.
What about when you know you should be compassionate but can't bring yourself to be, what then?
I think I understand it more now thanks, but how can anybody know what something feels like without experiencing it for themselves first? I don't understand that part. Can NT's just imagine what it would be like whereas I can't?
I would like to add to that.
Maybe NTs don't need to imagine what it would be like, do they just feel what the other person is feeling without even wanting to? Does just being around another person who's, for example, parent just died, make somebody with empathy also feel like their parent had died?
Sorry for all the questions.
I think I understand it more now thanks, but how can anybody know what something feels like without experiencing it for themselves first? I don't understand that part. Can NT's just imagine what it would be like whereas I can't?
I think somehow that NT's can imagine what another person is feeling even without experiencing it for themselves.
One question on an English test that baffled me: "Give an answer about what this character would do in this situation." The situation had nothing to do with the novel read. I just wrote "how am I supposed to know what someone else would think or do about something." I think the guidance counsellor told the teacher there was no way I could answer a question like that. I can only answer questions about what I studied or read.
I don't know what somebody else is experiencing. Even if it's obvious that they're feeling something, for example, they are crying or shaking, I don't know what they are feeling or thinking. I've discovered I can do two things which, depending on context, are sometimes helpful. 1. Witness their feeling...that is, be with the person but not say anything or try to fix it. 2. Ask questions about what they are thinking or feeling and listen to what they say.
Ask and listen. And then try and offer some reassurances. I'm careful about what I say, I can't say things will improve as they might not. If they don't will they look at me as if to say why did you say that?
What about when you know you should be compassionate but can't bring yourself to be, what then?
Fall back on your usual strategy of "how to deal with people". I recommend a neutral, respectful approach--acknowledge their rights as humans; treat them politely. That's something you can do even if you dislike someone (actually, it's probably a better idea than yelling or telling them off, because disliking someone personally isn't something you can change by antagonizing them further). Not that you let people walk all over you--you have to remember YOU have rights too--but just generally live and let live is a good approach when you're not all that into compassion.
That's pretty normal even if you do have empathy. When somebody dies, most people don't really know how to react... they say the expected things; but you don't do "expected things" so you don't really have an action to default to. You can sometimes get around it by saying things that are just plain observations: "You must have been very close.", "You look like you're really sad." You can also offer help: "Can I do anything to help you?" or "Do you want to talk about it?" Those things are just neutral stuff that lets them do all the feeling and talking, which is basically what's best in the first place. Most of the time, not even an NT can truly "cheer up" a person who's in mourning; they have to work through it on their own, and all you can really do is be the wall they bounce their ideas and thoughts on. (That means not trying to offer solutions or try to "solve things for them"--we Aspies approach many things as problems--but to let them talk.) The simplest thing you can do if someone around you is in emotional pain, though, is to do things for them in a physical sense--cooking food, cleaning the house, taking care of kids or pets. Generally that's easier than dealing with their emotions; and anyway, most of the NTs will be swarming around trying to take care of their emotions anyway--a good, level-headed Aspie helping with the practical side of the matter could be appreciated.