Aspies For Freedom

so me and Desh, my NT pet/love/etc. have alot of issues, but this is one that has come up before, and i just dont get it

to restrain from sleeping. is it REALLY that hard for them?


the whole story:

so my dad left pretty suddenly to go to my grandmas for something, he didnt tell em what so i didnt ask. i mean i thought it was weird but my dad IS weird so i thought nothing of it. until my grandma called sounding upset. so hes fine right now, just has some kind of major pain in his chest. they said its not a heart attack and i cant sleep because theyre doing more tests and its slow and im kind of spazzed by all of this.




so i asked desh if he would stay up as late as i did, and he said he would, and i said what if i don't sleep? he said hed try his best.

so before 2 am he said he was exhausted, and he was going to sleep, and i said that i was mad and didn't want to talk to him tomorrow because of it, because if He was the one upset id have stayed up all night, he said he was mad and doesn't want to talk tomorrow too because he didn't stay up to be treated like that.

i mean he usually goes to bed at 12 or 1:30 at the latest but before 2 am when im freaking out because my dad is in the hospital? im feeling like jeeze so he cares but is it only that much?


am i totally wrong for being pissed? taking this the wrong way?


this is NOT the first time he would not stay up with me when i was upset, but i alway stayed up with him when he was, i mean i just cant understand it what is his problem?

no,you have every right to be irritated (uuuum,you swore!),but was he fully aware of the situation?
had he been up late the previous night/had a hard day?

i don't think it's a NT or AS-specific issue..sometimes people aren't able to do what they set out to do.  And some people can't stay up as late as they would like.  My HFA friend passes out all the time and so many NTs wouldn't be popping Adderall round the clock in the library if staying up wasn't sometimes difficult.

But regardless, you said "he said hed try his best."  That wasn't a promise to stay up with you: It was a promise to try to.  Therefore, he didn't even break his promise.

If I was in your situation, I would have been really angry, but I would have kept it to myself.  On the one hand, he let you down but, on the other hand, he still went out of his way for you as much as he could.  You didn't get what you wanted but he really can't be blamed for that bc he did what he could.  I guess you should have been upset and/or frustrated, but you should have tried to focus those negative feelings away from Desh.  You should have thanked him for staying up with you as long as he could after you calmed down the next morning.

Not every NT is the same about sleep, and we are also not the same way about sleep in every situation.  I like my sleep, and I don't find it particularly easy to even come close to staying up all night unless I have a really strong interest - generally not work, usually an interesting online conversation or train of thought - to motivate me.

He promised to try to stay up for you.  As Knox pointed out, he only promised to *try.*  But when we don't keep our promises, there are three typical scenarios I can think of:
(1) We do try our best to keep our promise, but it just doesn't work no matter how hard we try.
(2) We make the prromise with the full intention of keeping it at the time, but then when the heat of the moment strikes we change our minds; we're weak-willed.
(3) We make the promise just to keep the peace, but don't really mean it, and just do our own thing because we felt like it all along.  Some would call this "passive aggression," but it's not necessarily designed to hurt; in fact, making the fake promise in the first place is often an attempt not to hurt the other person, while also maintaining your selfish interests because you maybe don't see a reason to be unselfish.  Best of both worlds.  But often times it makes a mess of both worlds.

Scenarios 2 and 3 might blend into each other, and perhaps for practical purposes, there need not be any distinction made between them, because both are ultimately a failure to keep the promise out of selfishness, whether that selfishness was anticipated or not.

If it's Scenario 1, well, it happens.  You can talk about the issue and work out solutions.  Maybe next time he can try certain tricks - if caffeine doesn't work, he can try, say, balancing something on his head.  (I balance small empty boxes on my head to keep myself awake during meditation sometimes, or if I want to not give into the mid-day sleepies while I'm working.)

If it's 2/3...well, in a society where most people are pretty selfish, I don't think it will do any good to simply judge the person for it.  Instead, I'd recommend appealing to his non-selfish side and treating it as a case of Scenario 1, which it may have partly been anyway - give the benefit of the doubt, work out a solution that works for both of you.

And if he has an issue with your approaching him about it at all...well, I personally believe that good communication is essential to any relationship, and the unwillingness of people to communicate with each other to the necessary degree because they're afraid of hurting each other or being hurt themselves or whatever it is leads to all those dramatic breakups and stuff.  If he can't handle communicating, then perhaps he's not ready for a stable relationship, or else needs someone more on his wavelength.  If he wants to communicate but doesn't know how, then you both do your best to figure out how.

2am is kind of late.  He was probably very tired.

Seven--

Do you really care about your friend?  

The reason I ask is because I've been in your place in spades.  Beyond spades.  I can understand you being upset because life has just dealt you the harsh truth about what life is--people are going to get sick.  People are going to die.  People will disappoint you.  And guess what.  You're going to get sick, and disappoint people, and lots of other negative things.  It's called suffering.  It's called being human.

As much as you wanted your friend to stay up with you, maybe you should have sat up with a family member, like your grandmother, to offer them the comfort of your presence and the knowledge that you both were going through the same thing.

Your friend did what he said he could do.  He was honest with you.  Is it fair of you to deprive him of sleep on a school night because you can't sleep?   Yes, you were understandably upset, but he has a life, too.  

You will learn that as you get older.  Relationships are what they are, and your friend has given you what he can.  Maybe it's not what you wanted, but maybe that's where your relaionship is.  If this is something you have experienced with him before, ask him if that really is all he can do, and let him explain.  Maybe you can live with it, and maybe you don't and want to make a drama out of it, but it seems you have more important things to worry about, like how to support your dad.

Have him clarify his position, decide what you want to do about it, and do it.  

There is no cut and dried way people have to deal with each other.  It's fluid as all get out, and the trick is to not let it bug you when you have things to do.  Ask, and say why you're asking, that you really wanted him to stay up.  Then go on, one way or the other.

Good luck.

Metta, Rjaye

I think he did his best and you need to get off his back. Him seeing you upset won't be easy either so just make sure you tell him you appreciate him caring about you.

I really do not think you should give him such a rough time, if he normally goes to bed at 1 then his body will be used to starting to unwind at that time.

Focus your attention on your dad for now, everything else takes second place.

ah,i misread.i thought it said that he had promised you. ^is right,concentrate on your father.
its understandable you being irritable,your fathers had a(wait,what was it?a palpitation?)and desh is/should be made aware of this (that you are irritable)
see,i am always saying things i regret later,at people bacause of things that they should be aware of that they are not.(not sure hows that relevent,but hey.my brain just threw that up )

This person does nothave to help you so don't give them suh a rough time. If they are truly exhausted ket them sleep, them staying awake is not going to make things any better.

Pika,

Don't be hard on yourself.  I've done the same thing.

I re-read my post to Seven.

Seven,  I still stand by what I wrote, and yet I wish I could have explained more and offered more compassion for your situation.  I believe now you used your situation with your friend to express your pain.  I hope you are taking care of yourself, and you are finding comfort with your family, and that you and your friend are getting along, because you must really rely on him.  It's natural at your age to be self-centered, and I don't mean that in a mean way, and you are learning that life is pretty complex, painful, and confusing.  Be kind to yourself, your family, and your friend.  Everyone is doing the best they can.

Metta and karuna, Rjaye.

I have fallen asleep in some pretty inappropriate places/times, despite my best effort to stay awake, even when it's not late and I'm fairly well rested.  Some people just have a hard time forcing themselves to stay awake, no matter what, and I am one of them.