Lately I've been having a lot of trouble paying attention to people. It's not that I drift off in the middle of what they're saying, it's that they never catch my attention in the first place. Maybe I'll hear one or two words, but it takes a while to sink in that I should listen to them, if it sinks in at all. Other times, I don't hear a single word and get in trouble later when I don't do what's expected of me- but I don't remember anything because I never heard a word.
What's really frustrating about this for my parents is that I (appearantly- I have no idea myself) give every impression of hearing and understanding them. My mom says the only other time in my life that it was this bad, I was even capable of repeating word for word what she'd said without actually absorbing any of it or remembering that she'd even spoken to me at all.
This is now happening two or three times a day, resulting in all kinds of yelling and anger from my parents. They say it's my problem and I have to figure out how to fix it, and until I do they're just going to keep punishing me, but I have no idea what's going on, let alone how to stop it.
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
I think I have a problem following what people are saying when there's eye contact, I'm not sure however. I just stop the talker and say -I didn't follow you there. I'm often a little disconcentrated.
This mostly happens to me when I'm not looking at the person, however sometimes it does happen when I'm looking at them. I don't think it has to do with eye contact (though I do sometimes have trouble with eye contact).
I have this problem if I'm concentrating on something else and don't want to switch focus. If I'm aware of this, I ask the person to come back and tell me later or email me. Sometimes I've asked someone to repeat their last few sentences, acknowledging that I hadn't processed anything they said. Basically, I pay attention to what I'm paying attention to and tune out other stuff. So for me to listen, I need to be in a "pay attention" space.
Usually when someone is talking to me face to face I become increasingly uncomfortable with them and start getting a headache and want and usually do start looking away from them. My concentration shifts from what they are saying to how I'm going to get out of the situation, so I stop listening and either I don't remember what was said or the details don't make scense. This happens especially if the person I'm listening to is boring, speaks very quickly, or has a voice which seems to exclaim what they see as interesting points in what they are saying.
This is now happening two or three times a day, resulting in all kinds of yelling and anger from my parents. They say it's my problem and I have to figure out how to fix it, and until I do they're just going to keep punishing me, but I have no idea what's going on, let alone how to stop it.
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
It's not your fault, it's natural and you can't help that you struggle to focus on certain things every time! Surely they lack their own skills in some area of the brain to, just different ones from your's. Your parents don't seem to understand that they need to support you and help you with your difficulties, not punish everything you do as if you decided to be a horrible person to them. You're not doing it to them on purpose, so you really don't diserve to get verbal abuse for it.
You're their child, so it's their parental duty to help you as best they can with what you sturggle with, not complain about it. It's as much their problem as it is your's. "It's your problem, not mine" comment is, to be brutaly honest with you, a stupid answer from a parent.
As for your problems in general...
Have you descovered or know of anything that might be distracting your attention from someone else?
Something similar happens to me-- only I'm pretty sure I understand what the other person is saying
while they're saying it , it's just that immediately after they're through talking, I can't recall a word of it. There may be a vague general concept of what was said left in my head, but nothing remotely specific. Ten minutes later, I may not remember having conversed with that person at all. I was always under the impression that this was more of an ADD thing or even just a Really Bad Short Term Memory thing than something related to my Asperger's Syndrome, however.
Anyway, when I'm aware of this happening, I usually just apologize and ask the other person to repeat what he just said, slowly, while I write it down. Sometimes I throw in a slightly self-deprecating crack about my memory as well.
Your parents seem to give you a lot of trouble, but I wonder: Do you ever really try talking to them about any of this, at a time when you're calm and they're calm? And haven't they realized by this point that negative reinforcement doesn't work well (if at all) on you? I've met your mom and she didn't seem stupid, but how else could anyone raise a child for fourteen/fifteen years and remain
this clueless about her personality and temperment?
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I think it is funny when it happens and I realise that I haven't really been listening to them whilst they are still talking to me. Because I spend so much time trying to think what it was they were saying to me before I don't listen to what they are saying now.
Julia,
I've tried talking to them when they're clam (not that they're ever REALLY calm, and not that I can tell the difference between momentarily cheerful and actually in a good mood), but they get angry very quickly, and usually stand by what they said before even when they don't get angry again. Also, they have this annoying tendency to believe I'm wrong about myself.
I think it lies less with stupidity and more with an inability to take anything I say seriously, at all.
If I don't grasp what someone has asked me or said to me I will get them to repeat it untill i do understand, or reel it back to them what they require me to do just to make sure it's right. It takes hard work and people can see it as a bit of a pain but tough, i'd rather do that than make a mistake.
I've met your mom and she didn't seem stupid, but how else could anyone raise a child for fourteen/fifteen years and remain
this clueless about her personality and temperment?
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What makes a person look "smart" to begin with? The fact that parents of all walks of life might also treat strangers differently than they treat their kids... :| Of course.
I don't personaly see the rational in thinking we know someone else in a few minutes when this other person had a life time around them. A parent shouldn't punish and punish all the time for something they can't help, period.
Yes. I can concentrate on something I am reading or watching and apparently not hear a thing. My dad is the same so my family developed some stategies to deal with it. Calling a person is not enough, one must actually touch and them and acknowledge a reply from them. Any information conveyed must also receive acknowledgement or repeating back.
I hear the words people speak but somehow their meaning just floats around in my brain somewhere and never gets translated. Sometimes I repeat it back without understanding it. It is like a "wah, wah, wah." It happens more when I am tired or there are distractions.
Social training skills received: look at the person talking, nod or say "yes" every few minutes to acknowledge and give a person feedback. Stop doing other activities. Ask some questions about what they are saying. That is to make them feel better even if I don't really want to listen to them. It is supposed to be polite.
I prefer written instructions or notes such as put the trash out before you got to work. My mother tried to leaving the trash in front of the door but we were all confused about why she left it there and would just move it. Then she would become angry until she explained it was supposed to be a cue.
Reminds me of a advert where a guy's girlfriend is talking to him about something (Can't remember what), she says "So, what do you think?" - he just replies, "Uhh.. terracotta?".
On a more relevant note, I have a habit of replying to a question and never realising that I was actually even asked anything ("But when I asked you earlier you said yes?" - "I did?"). Other than that, which only happens occasionally, I think I can generally listen to people without much difficulty.
I can also copy sentences blindly. Recently, someone asked me what I wrote and sure enough I told them, then thought "Huh? I don't remember writing that..." (That paticular example was in school, so it probably isn't of much significance)
As for advice.. I'm not too sure. Maybe get them to tap you on the shoulder or something, before they actually start talking? That might help things temporarily, but I guess you just need to experiment.
I don't personaly see the rational in thinking we know someone else in a few minutes when this other person had a life time around them. A parent shouldn't punish and punish all the time for something they can't help, period.
No-- it's not completely rational. But I wasn't claiming to know Luai's mother well , just enough to make a fairly educated guess that she's not a monster or a lunatic or a dolt, which makes her treatment of Luai all the more baffling.
I don't recall insinuating that punishing a child for something she can't help was appropriate or justified. In fact, I think I was saying the opposite.
I think you are on to something here about communication in general. I hear the problem is your parents are frustrated they are not being heard.
When you do hear them what is common? Are they touching you? Is the environment quiet? Do they ask you to repeat it? Do you jot a note down about the infomation they wanted to convey? Do you repeat it in your head? Do you visualize what they are saying? Is it a certain time of day you hear them best? Do you hear them talking, but are unable to tune in? Is the information they are giving you in short sentences or a long string of sentences? Is the information related to something you are interested in for example: saying "First I want you to fold the laundry, second empty the dishwasher, and third let the dog out." There is a number sequence there that may be useful for a person who likes counting.
I would find your common thread from the times you HAVE heard your parents, and suggest to your parents "you understand they are frustrated and you want to be part of the solution," then tell them what the common thread is.
I do feel sympathy that you as the child have to be the one to step up to the plate, but you will find in time we adults are human too and we make many mistakes. You can give yourself and your parents a great gift if you can help figure out how to improve the communication gap that exists now. You are learning how to compensate for your differences as we all can Nt's, Aspies, young and old to improve our quality of life. It is a skill that can benefit you throughtout your life. Best of luck.
Advocate for children
so many questions. Sometimes I hear that someone is talking but I don't make sense of the words they are saying. It takes me a few seconds to realize they are talking to me and then I have to tune in and try to understand. Sometimes I know they are talking and understanding it but I don't know that they are talking to me.
I get really confused with multiple step instructions that are given verbally. If more than three unrelated tasks are given, no way will I remember or be able to do them. Just give me a list or better, have a routine posted up that does not change every damn day. Numbering the tasks does not help much.
This person just uses too many words, must be NT.