Hi, I'm new to this board but have found it really great reading past posts over the last couple of days. I'm NT and have been friends with a high-functioning autistic for about 9 months. It's been an incredible experience for both of us -- he's 18 years old and I was his very first friend. Even though in a lot of ways it's been very good, it's been one of the most difficult and frustrating things I've ever gotten myself into. I'd love any advice from both autistics and NTs on what has helped in their past mixed relationships (or what they think would help). I've read well over 100 books to try to understand him better and understand what would (and what would not) be helpful, but all of that reading has helped little, especially since only a small number of those were written by autistics and only one was written by an NT who actually was in a [non-professional] relationship with an autistic person. I'm so frustrated at times and even "depressed" (not in the clinical way, just in the "that's depressing" sense), so I'd really appreciate it.
I've just recently realized I'm an Aspie. At 31, I've lost lots of friends throughout the years and it's been incredibly lonely, never knowing what I did that drove them away, and being unable to change, and feeling like I've never fit in anywhere. When I told my boyfriend, he was accepting and understanding. I've had many issues with his family and finally, I made sense to them.
I have a few close friends and they know. Sometimes, when I don't hear from them, I get nervous and think that they have chosen not to be friends with me anymore, but I remind myself that people have lives and they don't revolve around me.
It is hard for you, it is hard for him as well. Just know that as he gets older, it will improve. Every Aspie is different, so asking him about his "issues" could help, if you haven't already. I explain to my friends some of my issues, like how I'm affected when they don't respond to my emails or call, why I can't let anyone else make eggs for me, or drive me anywhere, and what I do when I get sensory overload, just to name a few. It seems to help.
You were vague about your frustrations, so I hope this helped.
Hmm, a few tips from someone with AS who only has NT friends (I think, lately I've been starting to doubt anyone is 'normal'):
- If you can, try to meet up at the same day and time each week. I see my best friend every friday night, and sometimes every wednesday night. This way I get used to it and expecting to meet up with him on those days.
- I hate it when people spontaneously ask me to come over or when people invite themselves to my place, but it *doesn't* hurt to try. Lately I've been realizing that even though I hate it when people call me to do something that will disrupt my daily routine, I often enjoy it anyway and thus the feeling is unfounded. It's still better to plan ahead though
- Don't ask him about his feelings or emotions. I know I hate talking about mine.
Yes, the world doesn't revolve around anyone in particular. It revolves around every one.
It took me a while to realize this and it still not sticking because sometimes I think that friends who don't call/email/im often forget about me and no longer want to be my friend.
I feel that I need to stop thinking that and just imagine life they way it is: hence, life is time and time is spinning constantly and if I worry that my friends are not talking to me, then I feel that I am wasting my time. I need to live my life and whenever one of my friends contacts me, I speak and in the meantime, I live my life and do my work, seeing other people, ...
Just remember that your friends are your friends...
I agree with the last few posters; if a good friend doesn't respond to my e-mails within a couple of days, I start to panic and think maybe they don't like me any more. I'm slowly getting better with this as there are times when I don't "get to" all my e-mails and phone calls and it isn't because I didn't like the other person but because I got busy or had to think about my response and maybe other people have similar reactions to my e-mails.
I probably get a bit paranoid because in the past, non-replies have sometimes been due to the person not liking me any more and giving me the brush off.
It could help to talk to the Aspie friend and ask if they would like you to e-mail, meet, or phone them at a particular time each week or other time period. We like some predictability and stability as we find life confusing.
I've tried to set up a regular time because I've read about the importance of regularity in a HFA's schedule but had no luck. We're both away at school, so we don't get to see each other in person much and I've realized that online communication is much more comfortable for him and only resort to phone when necessary. It most often seems like I'm fighting for a friend who doesn't want me. He says that's not the case but still never contacts me -- I'm always the one trying to get in touch with him. I only keep at it because I know he doesn't have anyone else that he thinks cares about him and I don't want him to lose having that. I think the cruelty of others in the past may have permanently scarred him from having a close, loving friendship or enjoy the comfort and security that offers, which scares me a lot and brings me to tears at times.
I have a few aspie friends and I too have tendancies that make me think I'm aspie... but my husband and a lot of my RL friends are NT. Here are the things that help on BOTH SIDES of the equation.
1) Be honest, straight forward and non-criticle when he hurts you.
Meaning, sometimes aspies have to have things that come natural to you explained to them. For instance, don't just tell him you worry that he doesn't care about you when he doesn't contact you. Tell him that you would like it if he could contact you at least once a week or month.
It likely doesn't occur to him that 'it hurts because' can't just be solved logically with a 'that's not true'. An NT would make the connection -'oh, I should contact this person' - an Aspie needs to be told, please do some contacting. With most of my Aspie friends, just explaining that helped and when my friends have told me these kinds of things, it has helped me to do what they need to make them feel loved.
2) Find an interest that you both enjoy to do together or talk about together. NT's tend to be able to socialize for socializing sake, but for an Aspie, this is stressful. If the Aspie knows there is going to be something to do that he's interested in, getting together and sharing that interest will be much more easy on his anticipation of the encounter. That's not to say he doesn't want to get together with you just to be with you, it's just a matter of the stress of living up to a conversation and the fear of 'what if I don't have something to say?" can make it less of an interesting experience. Even if it's as simple as saying, 'lets get together to play a game' that puts some context on the encounter. Also - don't assume the aspie doesn't want to meet other people... if you have other low key people who are sensitive, having one or two other people to talk to while doing this interest wouldn't be so bad for the Aspie. Just don't get a talker or people who lose patience or who aren't interested in what you are going to do and will try to manipulate the situation to do something else.
3) Use the communication that works for the aspie, and trust that even if it doesn't feel like much of a connection to you, it is for him. BUT also be honest about the kind of communication you need and don't be afraid to ask for small doses of a phone call or face to face visit when you really need to connect with him. Reassuring him during that connection that you have no expectations of him doing it 'right' - just that it's in youre 'need set'. He may or may not be able to do it, and if he can't... then don't get mad, just realize, you are probably going to have to get that from other friends until he can do it. Aspies are just like any other person, their comfort levels and personalities can shift slightly over the years according to many facters... including how well they know you. With me, the more I know someone and trust that they like me, the more comfortable I am interacting with them on their terms. Sometimes that takes weeks, sometimes that takes years, and with some people, I just can't 'get there' to where they are...
Hope this made sense...
It most often seems like I'm fighting for a friend who doesn't want me. He says that's not the case but still never contacts me -- I'm always the one trying to get in touch with him.
I am sure your friend does appreciate your contact and that he doesn't realise that him not contacting you will make you feel that way. Seeing as he has never had a friend before, he may think that if he contacts you he might be bothering you, but you think he doesn't want to talk... see, this is all very confusing for an aspie!
I only keep at it because I know he doesn't have anyone else that he thinks cares about him and I don't want him to lose having that. I think the cruelty of others in the past may have permanently scarred him from having a close, loving friendship or enjoy the comfort and security that offers, which scares me a lot and brings me to tears at times.
I don't know what exactly went on in his past, obviously, but sometimes aspies are naturally too trusting or extremely wary of trusting. It may take him some time but if you keep talking to him it can build his confidence up over time, and help him make more friends. Of course, he may not want many more friends, often just one or two is plenty for us.
I miss having people around to talk to other than Gemma and collegaues from work.
Knox. I have an aspies friend whome I can't get with face to face enough either. The reason is taht I can't afford the trip. I think it would really help alot if we could just be around each other more, so that both of us could learn that we don't have to be very careful, and that what we say won't sound or look so stupid to the other as our brains learned to believe our whole lives.
I think it would also help if you didn't try too hard to get them to say something, it might make them feel that you are a little unhappy with them, or that you expect more norm like personality. I don't know if that's the case between the two of you though. Right now, I think just getting together would help alot, yes, even if there isn't talking involved.
I don't know if it would help, but you could say a couple of things, but not talk so much that you dominate any conversations that actualy start. Yeah, it's going to take some patience on your part because this isn't a fast process. I think that people that think more alike pull together relationships faster than people who don't think like each other. That's just what I think anyway. Your friend sounds like the quiet kind. I have been there myself.. being quiet and all..
We have met up a couple of times: The first was good, the second was awful (he has bad ADHD and I often feared his behavior would get both of us in trouble because he was so unruly -- I think he was off his meds though and that's why it was so bad the second time). He got insulted both times when I wanted to do anything planned. The first time I came over we literally spent some of the time just sitting and starring at the television that was set to the tv guide/program listings and I mildly wanted to shoot myself out of boredom. We don't have too much in common, so it's often to just talk (which is all he often wants). If we're not in some sort of disagreement or discussion about how one of us hurt the other or otherwise did something wrong, we have little to speak of, as he doesn't like to talk about his day or share stories and I don't think he likes hearing about mine.
I haven't been able to full grasp why autistics want friends because it often seems like he would much rather a random acquaintance. Does anyone know if it matters to him that I legitimately care about him and/or if he legitimately cares about me? I apologize if that sounds like I'm being completely shortsighted, etc. but I get so much conflicting "signals" and it's frustrating and scary for me because I worry about him so much.
Thanks.