Aspies For Freedom

Is their any specific advice you are looking for? or just random stuff?

No two aspies are alike, so it is quite difficult to supply generalised advice. One thing I do which may annoy people is that I don't act any differently towards a person no matter what emotion they are currently experiencing. This means I may appear quite insensitive if they are sad or not enthusiastic enough if they are excited and so on. I don't mean to be those things its just that I don't know how to react to the emotions in an appropriate way, or whether I have even got the emotion right to begin with, so I think it is best if I don't do anything differently.

Also Michael, a good way to get around that problem is to talk to them online first, if you are more comfortable with doing that.

Also welcome to AFF!! I've posted over 1200 and I'm still not sure whether I'm qualified to welcome somebody. I just do it anyway.

I find myself getting annoyed more by my lack of ability to deal with the situation, which doesn't really help most of the time.

Anyway good for you.

Hi Yulya, welcome on here. Okies, here is what I see. I understand why he was scared to tell you what was wrong based on pats events, sure it might not be nice to be compared to people from his past but his reasons were justified. Don't get mad over that. He has done the right thing by telling you and you have done the right thing by being supportive. It's nice to have someone around you that you know you can trust and who cares about you.

"It was almost always over the fact that I never knew what he was feeling and he didn't understand why I would get frustrated"

I don't share how I feel easily although i have tried more of late. there is no point be bottling things up, saying i'm fine when i'm not or just mumbling acknowledgments. If any relationship is going to succeed there needs to be communication and at the moment on his side he does not speak to you. I understand how frustrating that is, but it's not personal, it's nothing aginst you, it;s not that he does not love you or does not want to speak. Chances are he is worried about saying the right thing. I started to keep a book on how I feel about things and sometimes i'll put things in it that bother me. It would not surprise me if you foudn he was very talkative online, on forums or chatrooms, msn etc but not with you.

"I always knew he was a little different, but everyone is a little different from everyone else"

That will keep things interesting. i doubt you will ever get bored with him. Does him being different bother you though? Do you worry about what your friends and family might think of him? If so f**k them, he is not a criminal or a bad person.

"But I guess I didn't understand because I haven't been around him enough yet"

It's normal. The more time you spend with someone the more you find out what they are really like. A good person IMO is one whose good points outweigh their bad points.

"I decided I wanted to look for some books on it this weekend when I go shopping"

Plenty of information is available online. You could sit together and talk about it and let him show you examples of how typical AS traits fit him and why.

"I recently realised that maybe I love him and that last night and today have been really good for us because we can talk now without getting into an arguement"

It's a wonderful feeling understanding how and why I feel the way I do, it does not make it go away nor does it magically claer things up. What it does is offers me an explanation to 30 years of feelings and worries and anxieties, even know. Simple things like not being able to talk, being nervous and worrid over practically everything, being quiet and withdrawn, keeping interest in just the few things that interest me, acting older than what I really am and so, so much more.

As for advice, can I make one suggestion, do not shout or raise your voice. I hate it when Gemma loses it with me and at that point I stop listening, walk away or walk out the house. At worst I think of ending the realtionship or finding a new place to live. Whatever you need to say, say it, explain why and talk at a rational level. Once after days of argeuing me and Gemma spent about half an hour talking and more got done in that time than in days of shouting.

You come accross as a really decent genuine person who really seems to have a heart of gold, a lot of time and a lot of affection to give If it does not seem reciprocated don't let it make you feel bad.

I'll give you an example, Gemma likes holding hands, I don't mind. She wants to hold my hand and keep hold of it, i'll do it when she wants to do it and keep hold for say a minute. After that I can't see the point in keeping hold, i'm not gonna run away anywhere yet she sees that as unaffectionate, I don't. I see it that I did what she wanted me to do so where is the problem.

So again, some more advice. If you like to do something tell him what it is and why and what it is you like. So "I like it when you hold my hand, it makes me feel loved and wanted, I like it when you keep hold of it". That makes 100% sense to me, it may means spelling things out but so what. Make what you want clear and why.

I hope everything works out between you and it would be nice if you let us know how things go on.

Also if he has AS why not introduce him to this place?

I think I can share a section of a poem I once wrote that may give you a vastly greater understanding of Asperger's Syndrome and the way we think. Yes, I could just explain it in plain english, but the perfect words are already there, so why go to all the trouble of paraqphrasing them?

No, I'm not morose, angry, or trying to avoid you. I am only being careful. I always look down just to avoid tripping over something.

Why do I need to look you straight in the eyes? I can hear what you say just as well no matter where the direction of my gaze.

And yes I did hear what you said the first time. I just didn't think it called for a response. Why do I have to answer you when you never even asked a question?

If you have a problem with me, just tell it to my face. I honestly can't understand how any form of etiquette permits you to about talk my misgivings behind my back, but never right to me.

It frightens me to no end when you make choices based almost entirely on emotional input. You may think that sheer passion is the greatest calling. But I know that in the end, such choices will be the undoing of us all.

You may call my behavior obsessive, you may call it unhealthy. But you will know just how useful it is when you find that I can accurately paraphrase the entire history of our nation, and most others cannot.

You give me clothes that feel like steel wool. The fibers dig into my skin, chafing and scratching and burning like razor wire. And you say you can't understand why I hate them so much? I can't understand how you can stand wearing them.

I love the rain. I love how it feels to have the cool drops of water running down my skin, like getting a massage from a chilled feather. And you tell me to put on a jacket. Just because you can't handle the cold doesn't mean you must ruin the experience for me.

As much as you may exclaim otherwise, I do in fact enjoy being touched. I long for a hand to hold or an embrace just as much as you do. But my body is my holy ground, and no one else’s. If you want to touch me, it must only be on my terms, not yours.

Oh... There was one last verse I forgot to add.

I see such a strange, simple, and alien creature. It is a wondrous little thing that, in its bizarreness, demands to be excavated and explored. And yet you scream and cringe when I pick it up and hold it in my hand. How can the only thing you see be ugliness?

I think his mothers attitude explains why he did not want to tell you. You also worry about your parents but so long as he is a decent, genuine, well mannered person who looks after you I think that's all they will see as being important.

Your understanding in all of this is a breath of fresh air compared to some people on here who have been involved with someone and whose relationships have fell apart becuase they don't understand them. I can think of 2 or 3 memorable cases in the last 3 months alone.

I hope everything works out for you both.

You will do, such determination is a good thing.

Miscommunication - i'm like that, i don't always get what I am being asked to do so we end up falling out but in the end I do get it. What I don't always like is comments such as "Oh finally" or any other form of sarcasm. It may be something simple I don't always grasp but give me time and I will get my head around it. It's like if someone says hold this and there are several things that I could ask to hold then chances are I won't pick the right one.

It's simple, everyone is different. One set of ideas and beliefs do not and never will apply to everyone.

Aspies can't love? What fool came up with that statement?!

I'm the NTish (possibly borderline AS, I'm not really sure) girlfriend to an aspie guy. He's the most loving person I know, and he always tries to make me feel loved. He's extremely special - and if you find a guy like that, you stick with him, whatever difficulties there might be in the relationship. You remind yourself that all relationships will have their difficult patches - a truly strong relationship isn't one that never runs into problems, it's one that survives the problems. So good on you Yulya for trying to make things work with your Michael, and good luck. I can't really think of much advice I'm afraid, but there are plenty of people here far wiser than me who can, so listen to them...

I can love I just don't find it easy to show it or to talk about it.

Absolutely!

In fact in some ways I think AS may be an advantage in the whole relationship thing... for example, honesty's a very valued quality in a relationship, but by some accounts it's quite difficult to find. But isn't honesty also a very aspie trait? I know there are certain points where it might be considered a disadvantage, so I guess what you have to ask is whether the disadvantages of a relationship with an aspie are any greater than those of one with an NT.

In my case, Josh told me straight out what all the disadvantages of dating him would be as soon as he knew I was interested (like I said: honest. And also very sweet). I said I didn't mind about those things, and over time I've found them to be far less significant than he initially implied they would be. The "difficulty in reading other people" thing doesn't really apply now - I guess because we've spent so much time together, he reads me better than anyone else I know now.

People with AS can love people.
I think though that because of the way most of us are treated throughout our lives there are two main ways in which we react to it. The first way is the way of complete devotion where we try our best to make who we love and who love us feel like the most special person there is, because so few people have loved us before. And the other way is the way where we can't truly trust the people that love us because of the way we have been treated by people in the past, or we might not believe the fact, or know how to handle it.
Although this might be hard to tell sometimes because we might not know how to convey our feeling properly, or we might misread situations that NT's would fully expect us to understand.

Simon--does your partner know he's an aspie?  (Maybe you answered this elsewhere--haven't read all your posts)

Simon--right, I get it. Thanks.