Aspies For Freedom

Thanks, krispyg76. I never got mad at him for not telling me, really. I just felt like a huge weight was lifted... like it would have been so much easier if he had told me earlier. But I guess the fact that I've been working so hard to make this work while it wasn't as easy makes the thought of a relationship with him even more appealing.

I finally told him a couple days ago that even though he had said before that he loved me, I didn't feel loved. And then after he told me, it was so much easier. It's almost like he shows his feelings differently than not at all. Though it can be difficult, I can tell when he's happy and when he's not. And he gets frustrated because I've always hated talking online (which is amusing because we first met online) and much prefer the phone. He can't understand why though, even if I do explain that it's easier for me to read him on the phone. And I need to be able to read him. It makes conversation much easier.

At first (like, a year ago) it bothered me that he seemed different. And I'll admit when my father first met him, I was afraid of what he would think. But it went okay. I'm not bothered at all by it anymore. Even though sometimes he says things that aren't as funny as he'd like them to be, I still laugh just because it's great to hear him laugh. It's great to hear him happy. My mom is the one I'm worried about. She's been very judgemental when it comes to my boyfriends and sometimes she can be outright rude without realising it. So I'm thinking of talking to her about being nice when she first meets him. I'm not going to tell her about his AS, but she needs to be good to him. He deserves it.

I know there is plenty of info online. I've looked at quite a bit. But reading books is much easier on my eyes. He's not much for talking about AS, and I keep telling him he's going to have to some time. And he really is. That's how we're going to keep this together.

He was so happy though when I told him that I was researching and wanting to learn. He insists upon buying me something nice as a gift, but I told him the best gift he could really give is to love me... and to show it when he can.

I'll admit I've screamed at him my fair share of times, though I'm not proud of it. He has a horrible temper and when we argue, he tends to yell a lot. He's working on it though. After he told me about AS, we made an agreement that I would try to be more patient and learn as much as I can if he would be patient and let me teach him some. And he was happy about that. He really wants to learn to be what he considers "normal" even though I told him I love him the way he is.

I used to hint at things in an attempt to be "cute" but he never understood. And now I understand I need to spell things out. And that's okay. As afraid as I might be to do that right now, it'll get better with time.

Things are going well between us though. I'm taking a bus to visit him tomorrow to celebrate a late Valentine's Day. A couple days with him will give us the chance to get close again after all this arguing we've done.

I am afraid to tell him I'm here though because his mom has kind of brought him up to keep this a secret from everyone. She doesn't know I know. And he and his mother both seem (just from what I've heard) to be really ashamed of this. But I told him it's not something to be ashamed of. He doesn't want me to tell anyone, but I didn't think it would be a big deal on a message board where no one knows me. And I did mention to him today that I had joined one, but he didn't say anything. So I don't know. Maybe in time, after I've gotten him to open up a bit more if he wants.

Thank you so much again. I'm sure I'll be around for a while.

Thanks so much. I care so much for him and though I may not fully understand him, I'm willing to learn.

I admitted to him I was kind of scared... especially after reading the relationship statistics. But it will be okay. We'll work. We can do this. At least I hope so...

NT girlfriend of a self-diagnosed Aspie here.  I've actually been encouraged to think about what makes my relationship work due to an opportunity to possibly share that information with professionals-in-training who might use it...and here are my thoughts:

If there's anything that has helped us along other than tempermanetal compatibility and not having overly divergent expectations (we started out with pretty much no expectations, and only gradually faded into something you can call "dating" and mostly only because we cuddle now), it's excellent verbal communication.  I think that's the cornerstone of our relationship.  I feel comfortable telling him how I feel about things when I do feel strongly about things.  And because I tell him what I like and don't like and he cares like any decent person would, he's willing to cease anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.  

I don't think I would have been able to open up to him if we didn't have clear communication like that.  I could have just resented that yet another person wanted to hug me and tried to express that disinterest subtly, instead of telling him that I wasn't into hugs if they were obligatory and rejecting them until I was ready to give them out of my own volition.  The ability to communicate clearly and have that communication heard and accepted has made me feel powerful and comfortable enough in the relationship to explore physical and emotional expression, even if it's what would be considered a mild or kiddy sort by society's arbitrary standards.  That's still a big thing for me, and something I was very cynical about ever being able to find - I figured everyone would probably be too fast for me or want too different a style of expression.  It wasn't so with my first boyfriend in high school (who was NT), but you know, that was high school.  It's more normal (though still not THAT normal) to be slow and naive and cute when you're younger.

I've seen what happens when people don't communicate directly with Aspies out of fear of hurting their feelings: fiascoes.  It's happened on two occasions with family members of mine who are more stereotypical NTs in having a preference for being more indirect out of politeness, and not realizing that he wouldn't know how to read between the lines.  Heck, I didn't grasp the exact extent and nature of their problems with him until almost too late either.  I can read the social cues my family members send to me just fine, when they want me to modulate my behavior, but I guess I don't tune into the cues they send to others.  And even then, in one instance I underestimated the gravity of the situation when the offended relative sent some of the cues my way.  I can easily see a relationship going down the tubes, regardless of neurology, if neither party figures out how to communicate with the other effectively.  NTs not knowing how to read each other's cues could probably explain a lot of fights and break-ups.  I don't want to assume that they're all just selfish jerks...

I also don't tend to get offended by the things he tells me...I guess it doesn't occur much to me to take it personally.  So I can't really give you advice from personal experience on how to deal with that typical issue of being severely put off.  Whenver he's, say, tried to get me to play games, learn to dance, or dress up (talk about a role reversal - the Aspie suggesting sociability improvements for the NT!  But I think he's barely Aspie and I'm not a stereotypical NT...but hell, we probably all say we're not stereotypical when we are more than we think lol), I've just said no, and that was okay.  I didn't take offense to his suggestions by seeing them as his thinking that I'm not good enough as I am.  

What I would suggest, naively perhaps, is that if you do actually think that maybe your boyfriend is rejecting you in some way, challenge that belief.  Could you be misinterpreting him?  Catastrophizing?  Is there evidence in every other area that he is, in fact, still accepting of you?  See, I never saw any overall evidence that my BF was rejecting me, so fear of that was never an issue in how I interpreted his statements.  And hell, I've probably said things to him that anyone else might take as rejection, e.g. just telling him tonight that I'd dump him if he were ever to totally insist on sex when I wasn't ready.  (If he suggests things, even strongly, he'll generally back down if I stand my ground, and we'll stay on good terms.)  If he were a different sort, he might take that as evidence that he's unsexy and therefore unworthy in my eyes.  But he has no problem going slowly - it's his natural preference too, although he does seem slightly faster than I am.  And if I decline a potential advance, it's ok.  He doesn't want to ruin what we already have.  He cares.

If there's anything else of potential use that I didn't mention, just ask.  Hopefully some other folks will come along who have actually worked through the offense barrier and have practical, experience-based advice on how to deal with that.

So Mike and I have been going strong for four months now. It's nice to know that he trusts me enough now to tell me anything (or so I think).

Each day does get more difficult though. We fight less often, but they are bigger arguments.  We fight over some sort of miscommunication, and no matter how many times I try to explain what I'm saying he doesn't understand. And when he finally comes to his own conclusion which was the same one I was trying to explain, we've already been through three hours of argument.

Might anyone have some advice? It just seems as though talking to him is becoming so much harder, and I don't want it to be.

Exactly why I need to keep learning. And I have ADD too. =P  The 3 hour arguments really drive me nuts sometimes, but I'll try harder. Thanks!

I've been looking for the long term relationships one, but no one seems to be able to find it. It's on Amazon.com, but I'm not much for buying things online. But we'll see. Thanks!

Out of curiosity. What takes 3h of arguments? Are there longer breaks between? Are you or he arguing in circle? Or does it go into lots of others topics?

I really want to know so I can identify a potential aspie if friends are fighting.
I'm not that experienced in relationsships, maybe it's common.

first of all, ive had alot of relationships, between a couple of months and 6 years (off and on 6 yearsthat is) and id like to point out that you honestly cant love a guy youve only known for a year and only dated for a month or two, becuase you dont even KNOW that person. it sounds harsh, but be realistic, dont say your in love with someone you dont know yet. its only going to cause major problems if you jump the gun n that kind of 'affection', so to say.

i have autism, my 6-year-on-off guy doesnt. our biggest problem is communication, and suprisingly, on his end more than mine.
our biggest problem is that he will assume or think he understands something from my words or actions that i never meant to imply and is not true, but he is not blunt like me so i have No idea what hes thinking when he suddenly acts weird, and then we fight.

be very very open and honest, so that you dont have misudnerstandings, is the best thing you can do with an NT-AS relationship.

It's really great that your taking your time to get to understand AS. I'm geussing that you like the positives that AS gives to his personality.

I'm told that I have an appreciation for everything and I know that people like this. It's an AS trait, we can look at anything and it explodes in our minds. I don't know if he acts like this but I can geuss it's a nice characteristic of someones personality.

Yulya-

I think its awesome that you have the willingness to invest yourself into your boyfriend. That takes a lot of insight on your part to reckognize that you need to deal with his problems on his level. Good for you!

But as an Aspie wife of an NT husband going strong for six years, I can tell you that things aren't going to get easier. You will both be able at some point to discuss what's going on clearly and come to a rational resolution... but most of the time its the "little stuff" that seems to bug my husband. For instance, for a really, really long time I thought that he kept starting fights with me and that all of a sudden he was pissed off. Come to discover lately that it was some dumb AS comment I had made that made him think I didn't care about his problems... I really LOVED max the bear's comment, its right up there with what I was going to say about arguments. They're so hard and we aspies tend to start a lot of them without realizing it. Since my hubby knows that I am not trying to make him mad he tells me "that was really offensive" he used to ignore it (since I'm not doing it on purpose) but eventually we realized that he needed to tell me what was wrong so that I could fix it. If everyone in my life could tell me right away and be honest- rather than use facial expressions that I don't read very well- I would be in much better shape. It will take a lot of work on your part, normally if someone says something truly hurtful you're natural reaction is to start screaming or whatever. With an aspie you have to stop and breath and tell him that that bothered you and why. Then allow him to tell you if that was his intent (sometimes when fights get ugly both parties are trying to say something ugly) Give him (and you!) a chance to cool down. Remind him to right down his thoughts and points to the argument... it will keep both of you more rational. Also, I know that when we fight if I can't remember my points to an argument I get super angry, not at him, but at myself, but then he'll get frustrated because we're trying to fight about something and I have no real argument. Which just gets annoyingly heated. (these are older fights, BTW, we handle things much better now) He will also have a hard time understanding your feelings or intuitions about a subject. I didn't understand until I discovered my AS that my hubbies thoughts about other people were usually right and that he could read things in people that I could not.

Being in a relationship with someone with AS can be really hard (just ask my hubby!) but it can also be really, truly rewarding. For me, I love my husband. We have an enormously huge connection and I know that I can count on him to keep me on track the way I need him to be.

Good luck! (wow- another novel!)

Thanks. I was thinking all that, but didn't know how to say it. I know some of the things I've read insist aspies can't love. But even though he may not always show it, I know Michael loves me more than he can actually express. I just know. And I love him.

Many people fall in love and get married before they've known eachother a year. I've known him a little more than that, and we are already thinking ahead a bit but not that far. I know I'm young, but I can experience love like anyone else. And no one should judge my ability to do so.

I agree. That is total crap. People don't realise that we do, and we just can't show them they way we want them to.

Hi there. I too have a boyfriend with Asperger's. We met online about 2 years ago & it was so sweet how he came up to me on the forum we use to go to & said he had a crush on me. I decided to give him a chance to get to know him & at least be friend and the next thing I know, 2 years later, we met up at Universal Studios theme park on our first date together. He's just so sweet & full of life. ^.^

I dont know he's aspie ... though from what I've learnt recently it would explain many of the issues that we've had between us in the relationship.* I dont think he know what AS is to be honest and I think he's resistant to finding out about it ... I've tried to broach the subject with him but its not easy.

* By this I'm not blaming the problems on the AS. I mean that the AS would explain why I've found communication with him so downright confusing!!!

Yulya, you are so brilliant.