Aspies For Freedom

I grew up in the 1980s in a small town in Canada where there wasn't much cutting-edge psychiatric counsel to be had. My parents did take me to doctors, but no one had any answers for them. I remember having my hearing tested and visiting a paediatrician in Vancouver.

Teachers had a lot of trouble with me. My parents tell me my first-grade teacher wanted to hold me back for a year even though my grades were good. My parents also tell me that they were very frightened about what might be happening to me at school because I never spoke or smiled without being told to do so.

When I was 18 my family doctor sent me to a psychiatrist and he prescribed an antidepressant and lithium for clinical depression and bipolar disorder. I know I'm not bipolar, and everyone who knows me knows I'm not bipolar; I think the psychiatrist was being careless.

I strongly agree with you about the questionable multitude of faulty self-diagnoses out there.

My parents noticed that I had dramatic mood swings and became obsessed with objects when I was still a baby. At primary school I was the weird loner kid - very clever but socially inept. My teacher used to complain to my parents that I refused to make eye contact and seemed to stare into space a lot.
At high school I was the really clever kid. I was also bullied for being 'weird' and for clapping/rubbing my hands when I was excited and rocking and banging my head against the wall repeatedly when I was bored or frustrated. Some of my teachers also commented that I made no facial expressions and appeared to be in a 'world of my own'.
Since I was 15 I have been seing psychiatrists for various problems including depression, anxiety, social phobia and dramatic mood swings.
So in answer to your question, even though I am self-diagnosed the signs have been there since I was a baby.

I was assuming that I didn't need to mention that I have always lived "in my own little world," as people called it. They also frequently called me a "space cadet" or said I had my "head in the clouds", and complained that I was extremely physically slow. In elementary school our recesses were twenty minutes long, and that wasn't even long enough for me to get out the door.

I rarely saw or heard the events that happened around me. I did not hear verbal instructions. I spent my time being fascinated by patterns on the walls, my desk, the ceiling, the floor, people's hair or clothing, etc. I did not play with other children and I barely participated or did not participate at all in group activities. My parents put me in a choir but I did not sing. (Boy, did that make the director angry!) I was sent to swimming lessons but I did not follow the teacher's instructions and my parents eventually sent me to one-on-one lessons to learn to swim.

Me. True on both counts.

Same here. Been to countless shrinks. Only mentioned my tics to one, and she dismissied them and an "ocd like" trait. Didn't trust enough to mention all the other "weird" stuff I did - the lengthy conversations in my head, drumming fingers to the point of annoying everyone around me,  etc. I have been told that I am eloquent in speech (by ivy league educated doctors - to most NT's apparently I sound like a textbook, or so I have been told), which may be why they never looked into any autistic sprectrum diagnosis. I TRIED to tell them what a chore speaking was! Just because I do it well does not mean it comes naturally!!!

Wound up being diagnosed as "personality disorder NOS, with traits of paranoid personality disorder (assumed people disliked me), schizoid personality disorder (disliked socializing), and borderline personality disorder (harmful stimming that they didn't realize was stimming, always referred to it as "self harm" - which irked me because I found it SO calming - how could something that gives such a sense of well being be self harm?)"

Back then there wasn't an internet with the word "autism" being tossed about. Heck, we only had 3 television channels.  

1963- entered school.  Thought other kids seemed astonishingly dumb.

1964 - 2nd grade: Parents concerned because I made no friends and cried about cruelty from other kids. Took me to a psychologist who asked a few questions. Suggested switching schools.

1965 - 3rd grade: Parents switched me to public school for a "fresh start".  Principal of the new school said "Aren't you the girl that went to a psychiatrist?" in front of my entire class. End of fresh start.

1976 - age 19: visited a psychologist on my own.  Got frustrated with each other. He kept saying "That is what you THINK, I asked how you FEEL. I kept answering as clearly as possible and thought "What the heck more does he want?"  He accused me of not being honest with him or being in denial. I got fed up and told him that obviously he had his OWN answers in his head and he wasn't going to be happy until I guessed it and said what he wanted to hear. I decided it was a waste of money.

2003: Met the guy who is now my closest friend. After a few weeks, he asked me a list of questions. After my answers, he told me about something called Asperger Syndrome. I never heard of it but was VERY angry that he accused me of being mentally defective or something.  I read the websites anyway. When I read about face blindness I said "OMG that's what's wrong!".

I said to my friend "Imagine how you'd feel if someone told you that all the pieces that you think of as "YOU" ....mannerisms, how you talk, walk, think, your likes, dislikes, your faults, your talents.... are just a list of symptoms.  That feels extremely dehumanizing and upsetting.  Eventually I decided that understanding the deal is a helpful tool for making things work better.

Now... did anyone bother to read all of that?   (laughs)

Keep in mind that many of the traits that get perceived  as "abnormal" for boys are quite acceptable for girls.  Being "shy", fearing strangers, not liking loud noises, wanting to play quietly in her room with tiny things and read books. Not being good at physical sports. Having a good vocabulary. Not demanding attention with "Watch me mommy!". It's okay for a little girl to cry.. etc..

Mother was only sad that I "found it hard to make friends" and never had the slightest interest in dolls.

Also keep in mind that decades ago it wasn't as common or socially acceptable for anyone to visit a mental professional.  A lot of people assumed that was for the insane.

Yah. I knew that. My point was more along the lines of how nothing I did ever caused any *real* bodily harm of any consequence.  IMO the benefit outweighed the drawbacks.

When I was younger it was merely pinching myslef with my nails just enough to draw blood slightly. Wouldn't even realize when I was doing it mostly.  Always called it a "nervous habit" - didn't know what it was.

I sttend to chew up the metal ends of pencils. They get sharp and jagged when I do. I like to drum on things. One day I drummed on my arm with the sharp metal end of a chewed pencil. That wound up quickly replacing the pinching.  Problem was when done very hard, it would tear the flesh, so as far as the shrink was concerend I was  "cutter" and "self harmer"

Ah yes, I do see your point since I refused dolls, didn't care about clothes and seemed to be the only one who wasn't dreaming of romance.  

People are a mixed bag, aren't they? I keep forgetting that.

When I was about 7, my parents took me to a psychologist, who said I had lacking social skills, but did not make a diagnosis of Asperger's. My mom said that from a very young age I never liked following directions, and always prefered playing alone. She also was always getting angry at me for not being soical enough, interrupting, never making eye contact, and repeating myself. I always believed I was a "bad" kid because if this, but when I found out about AS, I found that I had a lot of the symptoms.