Aspies For Freedom

Hello everyone!

I stumbled across this forum when reading about AS, and decided to post since I see a lot of myself in many of the posts here.

I'm 21 years old, and live in Norway. I constantly chew or play with things when idling (pens, bottle caps, whatever is in my close vicinity), and I love to organize things. I get easily frustrated when someone doesn't understand what I'm saying, or if I don't understand what they're saying. Most of the time I'm completely unable to convey my thoughts verbally without misunderstandings when they are more than semi-complicated. Although I'm perfectly able to communicate with people on other levels, and can make new friends with more or less ease, I find it stressful and uncomfortable due to the amount of effort I have to put in in order to maintain a conversation about topics outside of my interests. I'm very comfortable socializing with people I know well, but prefer to stay away from chit-chatting which I consider a waste of time, mostly because I see no purpose with it what-so-ever. I like to keep to myself, but I also like the idea of having one or two close friends nearby. People who don't know me will probably say I'm very shy, while people who do know me well will say I talk too much. I don't have many friends, you can count them all with half a hand. I have a set of routines which I preform every day, but they vary in a circle over time. When I get stressed out, I usually end up watching a complete season of some TV-show in one sitting.

I plan my every move to the greatest detail I can, I automatically try to predict all possible outcomes of the situation I'm about to embark in, be it a conversation or a simple trip to the store. I get nervous when I'm in a situation with an unsure outcome. I get very upset when people doesn't follow “the rules”, most of which are possibly based on my own idea of how things should be (IE; if someone doesn't turn off the TV when they're done with it, or lock the door before going to sleep if they're the last to go to bed, and especially if someone re-arranges my stuff).

I'm highly obsessed with whatever interests me at the time, and though my interests vary now and again, they stay confined within the fields of physics, philosophical subjects and programming. Note that I don't primarily mean the mathematical aspects of physics here though (I'm not that good with maths), more the theoretical one; I tend to get completely obsessed by thought experiments and “what-ifs”. I get agitated and annoyed if someone interrupts me while I'm nurturing my interests.

I love to figure out how things work and to create stuff. At one point or another, I can't help myself from taking that newly purchased gadget apart just to see how it works. Developing large complex computer systems is probably the most satisfying thing I can think of.

I learned to read all by myself when i was 4, by asking everyone I met what letter their name started with and by memorizing the alphabet. Some things come very easy to me, others I find to be close to impossible to master.

A while ago, I started thinking about who I am as a person, and more importantly, why I am who I am. I've always seen things a tad differently from most people, or at least it feels that way.

I'm a bit afraid to draw any conclusions though. Having read around on the forums here, I can definitely say that I see a lot of “me” in the stories told. I've also taken a few tests around the net, and though I tend to take web-based tests with a (huge) grain of salt, I find it curios that every single one of them says the same thing; that I'm an “Aspie”.

Sorry for the lengthy post (originally it was over three pages long, so  it could've been worse :p), and sorry for any nasty grammar/spelling errors, English is not my primary language.

Thank you for the welcomes!

Firstly, @Athlynne; thank you for the welcome!

- - -
So. I just had a lengthy conversation with my mother, and though I did have some of the signs of AS as a child, I was far from having them all.

Apparently, I was ahead of most children my age when it came to asking questions and talking.
I showed a deep interest in various topics most other children my age didn't care about (amongst other things, I had a thing for fish, I could name and describe all the fish in my countries waters when I was two years old). I also tended to prefer reading/learning about science and stuff like that rather than reading children's books (my favorite book when I started elementary school was "Cosmos" by Carl Sagan). I was very social, and used to engage everyone around me in playing. I bored very easily when doing activities I didn't find interesting, especially at school.  

So now I'm sort of lost. There's not much pointing to AS in my childhood, particularly since I was very social. As far as I understand, that's one of the key points of AS. My mother says that this changed somewhat when I was 11-12 though. Now I'm wondering if I'm the way I am because of influences in my environment rather than a physical difference.

It kinda sucks, I had a major relief a few days ago when I thought I had the explanation of my "quirks", and now I'm sort of back to square one, trying to figure out why I feel so different from others, and why I have a hard time in certain social situations. I have considered getting tested, but I have really bad experiences with psychologists, and would prefer to stay away from them. And it's not like I need help coping or anything, it would just be nice to know..

I've read that too, but I have been unable to determine whether or not this is commonly accepted amongst researchers (most of the articles I've read deals primarily with young children which have clear "symptoms") .
Any links about this would be greatly appreciated, should any of you have any.

I was actually pretty curious about sex and sexuality when I was little. We didn't talk about it in school until we were about 14-15 though, when most people pretty much knew all about it.

Ah, yes. I know what you mean.

Personally I understand the concept of love (which I'm assuming is the underlaying emotions behind sex), and have felt it (at least I think I have), but it does confuse me. Mostly in the sense that I had a hard time finding out what both the other party and I were feeling, and why. This, in turn, led to a pretty nasty breakup, one which might even be described as being of Epic Proportions.

Even though the relationship ended badly and confused the hell out of me at times, I don't regret having it. I gained a better understanding of my own and others feelings. Also, I've been in two lengthy relationships; the one mentioned being the most recent one. The first one ended on very different terms, we are still close friends. She understands me a lot better than the girl from the most recent one, which I guess makes her more tolerant to my differences. That relationship didn't involve as much "love" though, more like "two people who care about each other". I really think it's just a matter of finding the right person. To me it's more important to find someone I'm comfortable spending time with, a "logical match" so to speak; where one just decides that it would be beneficial to both to form a relationship. Deep feelings aren't as important to me, and tend to complicate things. I guess that's what I learned from my experience.

My two cents anyway.

Well. I tended to brag and exaggerate a lot, I thought that it made me "fit in", and gain acceptance. It took me a while before I realized it had the opposite effect. When I realized, I became a lot more cautious when socializing, trying to find out how I was expected to act. I was very concerned with rules, and would get very upset if they weren't followed. I also bossed people around a lot, telling them what to do, deciding what we were gonna play and such. I also took things very literal (still do to some extent, having some troubles with sarcasm which is a bit funny since I use it all the time), and got (get) very involved and frustrated when people quoted incorrect or "distorted" information.

I've mostly socialized with people my own age my whole life up until recently when I started attending College/University. I felt a little intimidated by people older than me when I was younger (kids <5 years older that is, I had no problems with adults as far as I can remember). Now, most people around me are older than me.

And also, I'm still able to socialize to some extent, I only find it very hard and stressful to meet new people, and attend social events. I also don't like going out alone, because I'm afraid I'll run into someone in my class who wants to chit-chat or something. I get along fine most of the time with my two flat-mates, even though I drive them crazy sometimes babbling about whatever is on my mind. In the beginning it was difficult though, since they didn't understand why I need to spend a lot of time alone regularly, something that caused a few misunderstandings. They thought they'd upset me, and I didn't notice that until they asked me one day.

I think I need someone to implement a text-truncation function into my brain btw, I tend to get a bit carried away in these replies.

Hey zachjazz, Here's my results:

Maybe you're right. This is what I'm trying to figure out. Even if I do not have AS, I certainly have lots of the typical traits, which makes me wonder if I do have it. I could just have a "different" personality type, it's hard to tell. I really just want to know what's "wrong", I don't have any preferences as to what I want to be diagnosed with. AS just seems to fit the bill.

I had *absolutely* every one of the features you mention here.  At gatherings I would often to younger people, or older people who I could connect with.  The age appropriate crowd was too difficult for me.

I get pissed off when people tell me these days, "you don't meet AS" for this or that reason.  I had someone in another forum (unrelated to AS tho) say I should "just look toward NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)"

How does that explain serious cognitive differences, inability to multitask, mild dyspraxia, compulsion for solitude.....  list goes on.