OK that was just an attention-getting Thread subject title. Now bear with me as I try to clarrify my thought here rationally without sounding too poor-me-ish. Truth is I am just very frustrated at the moment. Especially where it concerns women. Anything thing I say here is not to be taken as a slur against womankind or anything. Those of you who have read my posts have seen I sometimes express myself poorly but I am not bad-natured.
OK. I am kicking myself hard over the last few weeks, in my interactions with the NT women in my life (not my ex, but the other girls I really like).
Basically as most of you know I am divorced, 36, autistic and father of two. I am hopeless at reading women. I am pretty hopeless at reading anyone in general, but the whole courting thing is a useless affair for me.
The last of three similar situations came up last night. A lady friend invited me over for dinner at her house. I have known her for a few years and really like her. All the ingredients were there for a very romantic evening. Basically it was a "date" disguised as a fondue night with only me invited. She is a part of a larger circle of friends, this way no-one battered an eyelid on me going over her house for the night, etc.
So. I was over there at 8pm. It was relaxed. Nice quiet music. Great food. A few drinks. Some very honest exploratory questioning about each other. Some funny jokes and anecdotal stories thrown in-between some exploration of similar interests.
Dessert didn't even 'til 12, after which we were cuddled up on the couch, drinking more and being a bit more open in discussion about more personal aspects of our lifes and so forth.
The subject of sex and for both of us sexual frustration and desire got a hammering.
Sounds great doesn't it! Very romantic. Very open and honest. PROBLEM. I don't read the situation! Sure time-out and discuss with mate what certain phrases may mean/indicate, and time for me to dissect rationally what is meant. I don't get that time or help. I don't read body language or understand what is meant.
Asking what side of the bed I slept on? Telling me her craving for someone to wake up in the morning to? Telling me how long it has been since she has had sex?
It is embarrassing to me but at the stage I not only am misreading these statements and possible implications but am at a loss how to respond in any case.
So at 3:30am when I finally left after a couple of long passionate embraces I left feeling confused and frustrated wondering whether I was or wasn't "expected" to stay the night and she is probably as baffled at my inability to "get it".
Third time in two weeks. I fly from Perth to Canberra on Friday night and will be staying over her place on Thursday night.
Hopefully she will make it esy for me and either offer me the spare bed or to share her's.
I, incidentally, have no problem with women being assertive or forward sexually. Unfortunately unless they are I don't pick up on subtleties and (I think) due to unfair societal sterotyping about how women are supposed to behave, they rarely do.
For anyone who might think I am looking for a conquest or whatever, it is not the case. I and she, like each other, are attracted to each other, know each other, are single and miss the intimacy of having sex with someone we care about. Hope that doesn't sound too clinical, desperate or wanton.
OK very long. Probably a bit more poor-me-ish than I wanted to sound. Just though others have had similar problems, frustrations or experiences.
I wish I could help you but I don't have a gun. Kidding
I am just as bad at this sort of thing, maybe even worse.
Do you know how to drop hints? They probably don't even have to be subtle, but if they allude on to how you feel, she maybe able to pick up on it and then do something about it...or maybe not, who knows?
But if you did just come out and say it and you have got her attentions all wrong, it could lead to a long night of awkwardness. At least if you just allude to it, you could say that you had never said anything of the sort, if she gets offended or whatever. I'm not saying she will, but it is always nice to have a back-up.
Also don't ask me how to allude, I don't know.
Yes Bob Bobson you are getting stronger and resisting my powers I actually was trying to make you type: "But if you did just come out and say it and you have got her clothes off, it could lead to a long night of awkwardness" - LOL
Hey guys thanks for the comments.
I will give you guys a little background as honestly as I can.
As a teenager I was very short (about 4'5 at 13) and skinny. Puberty hit early so I was short, skinny, hairy, deep voiced (not squeaky - I went from child voiced to baritone-bass I have today) and of course pimply. To top this off I was still young looking and very autistic. When I say very autistic I mean this in terms that I had not very good coping strategies nor the experience of rote learning that makes the autistic 36 year old I am now be able to converse and deal with the world and people I do now. Kinda make sense I hope so.
Now obviously Knowing these "weaknesses" I built on my stregnths. Rationality, Logic, Compassion (No not empathy) and Helpfulness/KIndness. I also am Honest to the point of being brutal or on the other hand (and because of not interpreting social conventions) blatant exposure to myself.
I of course did grow in height but remained slim/skinny when I was adult.
I was very fortunate to have been in a position to date my ex. I would meet her at social functions for work where she was a friend of a friend. We would all get drunk and before I left I would say goodbye to all and then say goodbye to her before passionately embracing her and giving her a passionate kiss goodnight. Then walk out. I think she got the hint I liked her! When our mutual friend left to go to QLD, I asked her if it was at all possible if I could see her, if she didn't mind too much and would understand if she didn't want to, etc. After a few similar experiences to the one I have just posted at the start of the thread she basically just said " Right! Stuff this are you going to come to bed with me or what?"
I was just like "Yeah sure. Great idea!" We dated for another year. I moved in and about 6 months later we were engaged and then married for 6 years. Six years of not having to worry about trying to read women.
Of course after divorcing I am back in the position of having to try my hand at reading girls. Yes I am older, divorced, financially in a worse position, and a maintenance giving Father of two. However I am far better at coping with society and function better than I did when I was younger. Of course girls and women were not interested in me (I was always that nice, caring friend who they could talk to but were not interested in sexually - Kind of like a gay male friend - to the gay men out there it is not a dig at you fellas, it is just an observation and a measure of my own frustration.)
Now something interesting occured recently. I have worked as a cleaner in the abbatoirs for 9 months 11hour day+. I have put on about 7 kgs in muscel. I am no longer a slim/skinny build I am medium and well enough proportioned. I have no middle-age spread, I have been told I look younger than what I am.
Now ladies have suddenly "noticed me". However for all that I am better socially and a nice bloke, etc. I am still autistic and do not read this horrible courting minefield. I go to my close friend and discuss openly different situations and they are like "THey said/Did X and you did nothing about it! You Dumb ***! Why didn't you just...."
I just can't read situations and do not want to offend or create bad feelings with girls I like.
Hell, my ex one time said to one of her single friends at Uni. You after a fella? Here is my ex's phone number "He is brilliant in bed just absolute crap at everything else" Great compliment, not! I didn't take the girl up on it. Unfortunately my ex-girlfriend also pretty much said the same thing. We continued sleeping with each other after split split up with me because "I was fun to play with".
My reason for bring this up is that I have a gentle, fun, kind demeanour which has allowed me to have women happily disposed to me. I am intelligent and masculine but not egotistic or overly blokey. Now I am older and bigger women may see me as a little more attractive. I am open and honest too without being judgemental. This works fine up until the point of getting from "female friend over" to have a chat and a couple of drinks to one long night of passion. This is because let's face it not only do I not read body language, voice inflection, subtleties in comments, or anything with less weight than a brick, but in a lot of ways I have a self-perception that has been tainted by a history where I am and have been anything less than appealing.
I do think that I am a nice bloke, friend, father and what have you but have never felt very attractive or desirable.
Bad combination! LOL
Actually not a bad idea. Unfortunately the whole tell her you are autistic probably isn't going to be much of an aphrodisiac with most girls. Maybe the "I don't get you", may be a better option. Though the fact I left the other night despite what I now consider was reasonable efforts on her part to get me into bed may have cemented her thoughts into either he just wants friendship or he isn't interested. I think I'll get the spare bed regardless now. LOL!
I don't see why she has waited this long to say she is keen on you. She had lots of time before. Seems as if she wants someone she can't have. But I would agree with the people who said to ask what her intentions are.
Rossco, I saw your picture and would say you are quite nice looking.
Quite a few reasons.
She has until recently had boyfriends - usually the wrong kind of guys. She has settled down a bit and taken stock of herself.
She said herself "I never really had time to talk to you without others (friends) around"
This is now the longest time that she has had without a boyfriend and she is single and lonely for companionship, I kinda know where she is coming from.
I have buffed up (inadvertantly) and look more attractive to her. Or maybe that is just desperation - LOL.
I am leaving and so it gives her reasons to seek to have me over.
Still I am guessing. Who knows what people mean? If she was autistic I would have a fighting chance in understanding her.
BY the way Tenacious thanks for saying you liked my pictures. I think it is nice for well-wishing blokes to say it but is extra nice coming from a woman.
Krispy I agree with what you say. Bear in mind my angst and frustration is just that. Kinda sucks being single.
That's okay Rossco. I just think this lady could be a bit manipulative. I don't get a good feeling about this set-up. Still, she is your friend and you know her better. It's too bad there aren't more Aspie women who are free as you would have more of a chance of understanding them.
I think this lady dropped a lot of hints about going to bed with you thought.
BTW, I think it was really cruel of your ex-wife and your ex-girlfriend to say all you were good for was going to bed with. In one sense it is good but in another, it is like they are content to use you and then give you the heave-ho when it suits them. They are pulling all the strings when actually they deserve a smack.
Smack...did someone say smack? Is someone wanting smacking? Sorry I just got distracted - LOL (Just joking never really got into this kind of sex-play.)
Yeah it may sound like a compliment but it is kind of devaluing. I guess not the kind of thing you are likely to hear most blokes say - but it would be like saying yeah he has a great body but he is as dumb as they come.
I think I gave you two or three of her "hints". We were talking for a while and there were a lot more and obviously others I didn't pickup on because I am useless in this regard.
Yeah I know two people with autism in my life (not including your good selves). Those people are me and my son.
I think my friend, who is only 22, has had a bit of growing up to do in the last few years that I have known. She has made a few mistakes and has matured a lot in the last year or so. She is a lovely girl and the type of person who would do anything for anyone.
She is one of about 5 very close friends and the one who organised my send-off the other week. I will mis her when I leave.
Thanks I really appreciate that advise. I don't read eye gestures at all so the "come hither look" - who knows. Well the whole sexual rejection thing. Ummm...yeah I think now I definately blew it that night. I am staying over her place Thursday night ad bringing Chinese and half a carton of Coopers Pale Ales. She has some Wild Turkey Bourbon for me. So I guess, as I am staying over, a matter of seeing how things go and whether I get directed to the spare bed at the end of the night or not. In all honesty the sex thing wouldn't bother me too much. I would be happy just to have the intimacy of a girl I liked next to me for the night. Sex of course would be a bonus. Sleeping by myself at her house would be like sleeping by myself anywhere else.
At least if nothing else I as a socially illerate man have picked up on the interest, so who knows. I suspect that she is probably a little confused about how sexually attracted I am to her given the lack of success the other night and in the past it has been a one-chance thing. After that it is, due to hurt feelings/percieved lack of interest/or whatever, something that women won't persue. Again this is just bitter experience speaking. It's like "Well stuff you! I gave you every indication the other night and you spurned me!" kind of attitude. So I will have a nice night with a female friend I really like. I will have dinner with her, have a few drinks, have a good chat and see how the rest of the night pans out. Either way I am happy to be seeing her again before I leave for my new life. I will definately keep in contact with her because she is one of my top 5 mates (probably top 3 or 4) and she is a gorgeous girl.
Cheers mate. Believe me I am drowning not waving, but it's a boost to my non-existent ego. LOL.
You mightn't have blown it. If she's really keen, she will try again.
OTOH you courted successfully at least once. Could it just be that you're discouraged after having a run of bad luck? That's pretty normal, you know. (Not just aspies)
Ooh, I don't think many people would be comfortable with that kind of idea. I guess if all the people involved thought the same way, it would work though.
Just because a person doesn't say they are saved doesn't mean they aren't a Christian. It's personal actions more than words that show if a person is Christian.
I think you might need to be a bit more flexible in what you want in a partner. Otherwise, you won't get anybody.