My son is 8 and a lot like me in the way he responds to the world. Talking to him about recess and the way kids interact I can tell he's finding the world of social interactions to be just as big of a mystery as I did. In fact when I told him how I sometimes used to feel - not understanding what made people friends, he laughed and said he feels the same way.
So... in order to help him, I talked to him tonight "Theory of Mind" and about how to get 'hints' about what other people might be thinking/feeling when they don't come out and say it.
We talked about facial expressions, body language and came up with examples to look for that can help us understand how to interact with people in a way that THEY might want instead of assuming that people think/feel like WE do.
He got it right away and understood the examples quite well...
One example we used was something he tends to do without realizing (and that I used to do): When you really, really like someone and consider them your best friend and want to be near them, you have to realize they might not think/feel the same way. If you are standing too close to someone, they might not come out and say 'move away' or 'you're to close' - but if someone leans away from you, it could be a hint that they need more space.
I'll let you know how it goes...
I forgot to mention that we talked about positive hints as well - like when someone does something nice for you it probably means they consider you a friend. At one point he indicated he had no friends, but when I visited the class I had witnessed many kids talking to him and at least one went out of her way to get him markers without him asking. He didn't even look at her or acknowledge what she had done... and I had told him to thank her.
I had also noticed that he was also helping the other kids to get things on high shelves (he's tallest in the class)... and yet he didn't seem to make the connection that doing things for people made them appreciate you... he just does it because it's the right thing to do and because he has a good heart... he doesn't expect thanks or appreciation much... though it is visible that he likes being asked. But he would just do it and be happy and not need them to say thank you. So it is no wonder that he doesn't naturally want to say thank you to others.
But after the conversation about noticing hints I mentioned that if someone does something nice for you it's good to acknowledge their 'hint' because that lets them know that you understand they are giving you the hint that they like you and you can give them the hint that you like them too. Adding that emotional connection to it of 'friends' - which he watns- seemed to register more than just saying 'thank you' because you are told to be polite.
Please keep posting, it is very interesting to read and I would like to hear about how teaching your son how to look for hints goes. It may also be useful to people or at least me. I am terrible at hints. I am guilty of not making the connection that doing things for people makes them appreciate you.
Bob, I will.
I'm not great at seeing hints either - or I should say, I'm not very fast at interpretting what they mean or what I should do about them. It's quite often that I'll see a look in someone's eyes and know it means something bad and then about 10 minutes later I've figured out why they gave me the look, what I did and that I should have responded right away... but it's too late. (sometimes). There have been a few times recently that I recognized something right away and it took 10 seconds for me to say, "Wait! Sorry... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!" Thankfully it wasn't too late and my friend really appreciated that I had realized what I said was hurtful. (it was a lame joke about her talkative personality and I have come to realize she's sensitive in this area)
Micheal Did you ever talk to them about it? I'm finding it very curious to hear my son's perspective of what's happening. He's so innocent and honest...
You son is a lucky kid to have someone willing to help him. I never did. I think my problem has always been getting hints that people do no like me or do not want to be my friend. My wife says I am imagining it. I get my feelings hurt often and I am oftne told I was rude to someone and hurt their feelings, but I am not sure why. This makes having friends very difficult.
The trouble I've had for a very long time is in thinking that people don't like me any more if they answer a bit sharply or seem to avoid me. I get very easily hurt feelings and think they don't want to be my friend any more. So I have some idea what it's like.
7 O'Clock, how I wish somebody had told me years ago that teasing didn't mean that the other kids hated me. I used to get very upset about being teased and it now seems that much of it was not meant in any malicious way at all. This includes teasing from my own family. So, it's really good to see you explaining this to your son.
7 O'Clock, how I wish somebody had told me years ago that teasing didn't mean that the other kids hated me. I used to get very upset about being teased and it now seems that much of it was not meant in any malicious way at all. This includes teasing from my own family. So, it's really good to see you explaining this to your son.
Yeah... I think one of the things I'm trying to do is to tell my son all the things I wish people would have told me. I spent my childhood in a state of bewilderment.
Just yesterday while discussing bullies again he was asking me if bullies know why they are bullying other kids and if knowing it would help them. And I thought first of all that it probably wouldn't help, maybe I'm being bias here, but I tend to think my son's comprehension abilities are far above typical kids his age. In other words, while other kids pick up on social cues and interact spontaneously by instinct, when you explain to them what's going on and why they are doing it, it doesn't register and they don't really even care.
Maybe that makes me prejudice? Maybe kids of all neurodiversity types would be able to understand what's going on?
Something to think about...
I always think parents at forums are moms, but many of them are dads.
I don't feel very sorry for bullies.
Unfortunately, I was almost completely clueless about whether or not guys were flirting with me. I also got crushes on guys who were only being nice.
Are they a bit like the guy in the pub who says "my wife doesn't understand me"?
Yes, I think it would be better to give this girl the heave-ho.
I'd suggest ignoring her for a while and seeing what happens. I might add that it really annoys me too when people act really friendly one day and unfriendly the next. They ought to make up their mind one way or another.
And for a lot of us, that is about as much as can be asked.
Even as an adult, I don't always get "hints" too well. It is only when all goes silent and people are looking at me strangely that I realise I might have said the "wrong" thing. It is funny though how other people can get away with saying far worse stuff but maybe they are in the "in" crowd so it is overlooked.
All the same, I think I'm slowly improving...