Aspies For Freedom - Teaching my son to look for 'hints'.

I have nephews of this age 8-10 and the one thing I notice about them is their determination to try and do things for other people. Proving to each other that they are as good as each other but also realising that by doing this they stay in with the crowd.

"But he would just do it and be happy and not need them to say thank you. So it is no wonder that he doesn't naturally want to say thank you to others."

omg, i am 23 and you just made me get that now.
wow.
thank you. Big Grin

That said, I often remind him when they start getting rough, 'if you hurt your brother on accident, you will still get in trouble, because I need you to be careful and think about what you are doing instead of just be sorry later." He likes the reminders and he responds to them. Smile

it is odd how reading something can affect you.
your way of writing is so good for me that i am very happy that your son has a father like you.
i was crule as a child, and i learned everything the hardway.
and i pay for it now though low selfesteem.
you are doing a wonderful job, and please keep writing.

7oclock, this is fascinating -- you're doing an incredible job!

Is anyone familiar with any of the books that help kids understand social interactions?

Not necessarily books targeting AS kids, but books like The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends by Natalie Madorsky Elman
http://www.hachettebookgroupusa.com/book...17390.html

There are a lot of similar books on the market right now. I'm not familiar with them since I work with older (high school age) kids. But I think the world is becoming increasingly more difficult for kids to learn how to socialize and interact with others.

7oclock-

What an awesome parent you are! As an aspie I think its amazing that you can sort those things out for your son! My mom was also really good at realizing what barriers I was facing and was usually able to break things down for me that way too. She didn't get a lot of it, but she did at least help with social rules. Smile

As a mom of what I think might be an aspie daughter (entirely to early to tell at 4.5 YO, but I'm seriously wondering...) I think its marvelous. Smile

Just a question, what if any problems did you have like that when your son was four? We've been having some big problems lately not understanding friendly teasing... anyway, you rock!

7oclock Wrote:

bipolarbear, Thanks! I"m a mom though. Big Grin

And I have to admit, I've been overwhelmed at times wondering how my son would suffer if he didn't have someone who understood him and could help. Sad

I think about other aspie kids out there who spend so much of their lives hurting and bewildered and it breaks my heart... (probably because that was me as a kid too...)

Max the Bear, I haven't heard of that, I'll have to look into it! Thanks. Smile

sarahjoke Wrote:

what if any problems did you have like that when your son was four? We've been having some big problems lately not understanding friendly teasing... anyway, you rock!

Hmm... I don't know, I'd have to hear more of the situation details to try to understand how your daughter thinks.

My son has always been about honesty and truth and justice. If things don't seem fair or if he thinks something is untrue he gets extremely affected and sometimes would freak out beyond control.  Thankfully I'm an extremely honest, authentic and to the point person, so it was always natural for me to interact with him.  He also is extremely intelligent and likes detailed explanations - sometimes our conversations at 4 would last for a long time with him just saying 'why?' or 'how?' and unlike my other son who did it just because he wanted to hear you talk *L* my oldest pays attention and wants to understand...

So when he was having trouble with being teased it wasn't that difficult to sit down and tell him that just because someone says something mean it doesn't mean they don't like you - it could mean they LIKE you and they want your attention and to see if they can get a response out of you.  But some people use teasing as a way of testing your reaction and if you respond in a big fit, that will encourage them to do it more...

I basically told him that you can't stop people from teasing you, but if you ask them to please stop and that you don't like it (this works for grandparents and his father) they will know how you feel and will probably stop... and if they don't, just ignore them and don't respond.

Part of his issue was not understanding what the teasing meant, or misiturpeting it to mean they hated him or that they thought those things were true... and the other problem he had was not knowing how to respond to it... in that he felt the need to correct their wrong assumptions about him, or to fight for himself in order to get them to stop.

Once he understood what it meant and had a few different ways he could respond it wasn't as big of a problem when it happened. Not that he isn't still bothered by it... but now he has a place to put it.

Right now we're dealing with larger teasing issues like serious bullying and name calling and I think his experience processing the simple younger age teasing probably gave him some important tools to figure out how to deal with them.

(For instance when he was 7 he told me he thought taking a dare to do something you aren't supposed to was not as brave as standing up to the bullies daring you to do it!)

well then i am very happy that your son has a mother like you. Smile

i like reading what you write cos you write in a way that makes me understand.
its very constructive rather then confusing.
keep on writing and thank you very much for your wonderful insights.
Smile

That's an awesome story. Smile

Glad it worked out for you!! I have a hard time killing someone with kindness... When I meet someone knew I just can't figure out what to say most of the time anyway, let alone if I think they don't like me and then to say something nice... I freeze.

I'd love to watch you in action. *L* I have learned from some of my NT friends how to 'mirror' their friendly responses to me and to empathize with them (and my kids)... and sometimes I can project what I would want other people to do for me when I'm hurting and do that for others... but to be kind to someone mean, for now I'm personally still in the, smile and ignore it phase.

I have moved beyond taking mean things people say personally - well, I can process through them not being true more quickly anyway... and I know to talk it out with someone who doesn't believe it helps. Smile

7 o'clock- you are AMAZING.

I really enjoy that you added the bit about flirting too... I always had such a hard time with that whole thing. I would either "flirt" with guys I had no intention of dating, or never understand why the guy I was interested in (on the very rare occurance of my interest) never clued in.

You have so much good information! Smile

7oclock Wrote:

Every relationship takes getting used to - I imagine Aspies who aren't into change take longer to adjust... my husband took a LONG time getting used to my need for space and it took me a while to figure out how to communicate it to him without being annoyed with him or hurting his feelings. Now that he understands my personal boundaries and doesn't take it personally, and I understand how he needs to feel loved, we do better.

HOW? Smile

Hubby and I have been married 6 years. Admittedly we're over a lot of the hurdles... but how do you communicate your needs without hurting his feelings? My hubby gets very playful, touchy-feely sometimes and if I'm in a heightened sensory "moods" I can't stand being touched. Now that we know what AS is, it helps, but I know he feels rejected sometimes. Sad I usually don't know I'm in these "moods" until I'm in them... which doesn't help. How do you do it? More importantly, how do you do it nicely?

I think we should rename this thread "Dear 7oclock" Smile

Maybe she was feeling insecure about herself. It doesn't seem to me that it has much to do with you (other than bothering you) but that she just needs some sort of distraction and you fit the bill for a bit. NT's have this "just for old times sake" thing going for them sometimes.

oh but I'm butting in as you asked 7oclock, not me.

"I just can tell you things I can't other people. You are better than a boyfriend in that we have a huge friendship, and I can tell you more than a usual friend."

I would say if you care for yourself at all, give her space. Lots of it. It could go on forever... I've seen girls do this before. You might fill some deep friendship void for her, which sounds intrigueing, but I think you are dead on with the whole tampon thing. If you still want to be her friend, accept the fact that you will be facing a lot of hearbreak. Some girls really like the drama. Eventually she'll find a new guy and will either drop you right away because she doesn't want the new guy to fear anything or she'll keep you as her friend and you'll get to hear every little detail of their relationship... sounds painful to me. Give yourself some "emotional distance".

Good Luck.

PS- I think its very like the my-wife-doesn't-get-me guy in that they are opening a door that they probably have every intention of peeking into, but never walking in. Sad

NTs... sheesh.

kylo4 Wrote:

7oclock, how can you tell if someone is flirting with you? I seriously have a very hard time. There was a girl who had a crush on me for about two weeks who I spent time with who's friend came out and said she really liked me and wondered why I couldn't tell. I've also had a similar experience in a store with a cashier. It happens rarely but I seriously cannot tell. I think they're just being nice, and I'm so worried that I'll misread them as flirting with me and I say something back (which I used to do a lot) and they'd not talk to me again. Unless it is so obvious as to the fact they openly say they like me, I can't tell.

My ex-girlfriend recently started messaging me all the time and asked me to go to three separate things with her. She's also saying other things but I can't tell if she's being friendly or not (for the record we've been broken up for over a year)

i have the exact same problem.
my friends always tells me "she is interested in you"
yaddayadda, but i never believe them, cos i do not think they are.
they say i am stupid for not seeing it etc.
but i really just don't.

hmm, help me to understand.
why would you have relationships where you dont really care about the other person...
that is something that keeps confusing me.
NTs usually have "friends" and ppl they know but perhaps even dont like.
still they "play" that they do.
i dont get that.
if you dont like someone why lie about it?
very odd

kylo4 Wrote:

bipolar bear, I said at the time I did like her because I was being bullied, not very many people were being very nice, and so I was happy to be in a relationship. It wasn't until I got some summer break off that I realized what was going on, and my friends and parents pointed out to me that she was really clingy and possessive, so I broke it off after I truly took notice of such things. I never not liked her, but I didn't like her after what she was doing.

i don't think i understand.
but i think i can conclude that its her behavior you are having problems with.

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