Aspies For Freedom

Because I'm working on a self-diagnosis, I asked my mom today what I was like growing up... I remember things differently than she does and mostly the struggles with how I felt rather than the way I behaved.

This is going to be long, but if anyone wants to read through it and give me feedback, I'd love to know what you think.

What she said would indicate that my social behavior was outgoing and talkative until jr. high... She said at times before that I would direct the little kids in the family and their friends kids to do skits and songs to perform for the adults. She said I had a lot of ideas and was a leader but that I changed and that in Jr. High she knew I had trouble.  I remember Jr. High as a mini version of hell... and that the trouble came when one of my friends decided in grade school that she would rather be in a popular club than be my friend. I was so confused and hurt and I had no idea why they wouldn't just let me be in the 'club' too - but apparently I wasn't cool enough and that was the first step on a journey of being intimidated by popular people. (which I think I'm finally over thanks to a lot of cool experiences since then)

She did say that I didn't seem to understand when others didn't want to do what I did, especially in the area of my faith in God - I didn't understand why everyone didn't believe in Jesus. She said I had almost an obsession with theology from a very, very early age (age 3 on) and that I would overwhelm her with questions before breakfast even...

She said it was also very common for me to speak about what I thought and believed in a way that stood out as fearless to my parents, but that made others uncomfortable. She said she often wondered if that's why I didn't have many friends but I only remember ever purposefully setting out to witness to one friend... Maybe I just talked about God a lot and didn't think it was odd? I don't remember.

I don't remember much of this as an obsession that was strange. To this day I have a huge interest in theology and think about such things quite a bit. I  do remember in college devouring C.S. Lewis books and being confused that my fellow students didn't seem to like philosophy class where we questioned theological assumptions - when I was really into it. I went to a church affiliated school and I didn't understand why people were afraid to question what they believed.  

I also remember in college was when I was first told by a few teachers and several friends that I was a 'deep thinker' - something I had never considered... I guess I thought EVERYONE thought about the things I thought about.

I also remember in college getting in trouble for speaking out in class about things that the teachers did or said that I didn't agree with... One professor confronted me in the hallway for standing up to him in class - he had been taking role and making fun of kids who weren't there and I told him I thought it was wrong and he should move on. He did, but he was very pissed at me for it.  Made me cry too...  

I also once challenged Bill Gaither on a topic of theology when he taught our Sunday School class at church. I remember thinking it was so cool that he would teach us, but I couldn't just sit there and let him say something I disagreed with...  For those who don't know, he's a very famous Gospel singer and an amazingly generous and Godly man - he answered me very graciously and if I had to do it over I would not have been so hard on him... I still think I was right on the point though. *L*

My mom said that I did the same thing as a child to adults and teachers.

Anyway - my thinking all along has been that I'm merely on the spectrum, but not full fledged Aspie... But I had no clue that as a kid I had an obsession with theology or was so outgoing.  I do remember being told by kids that I was bossy...  

I can still see these things in aspects of myself,...  I'm wondering if the outgoingness my mom saw was friendly extrovertedness or was more just a drive to be in control of creative things and play mates.  Or maybe it was extrovertedness and was suppressed due to self-confidence issues that happened through rejection when I screwed up relationships and alienated myself from people.

I don't know - I'm still processing... but if anyone has thoughts on my 'aspieness' or lack there of, I'd be interested to hear it.

Note on the God obsession: I've spent the last 20 years discussing and arguing theology with people of all belief systems and have developed an understanding and strong interest in learning why people believe what they do without the 'need' for them to believe like I do. It's been a long journey though - and I know my mother was very right in that I didn't understand why when I was younger...

" I remember Jr. High as a mini version of hell"

I totally disagree.

Hell couldn't possibly worse than Jr. High.  

Oh, trust me, Max, it's worse.

Actually, 7oclock, my childhood was a lot like yours. I don't know if I really had an obsession with theology, so much as an obsession with truth, though. I remember thinking as a little kid, how weird it was that people didn't think that God was so important as I thought he was; how weird it was that people just generally nodded shyly when they were being baptised and the pastor asked them if they'd accepted Jesus... I remember studying the stories of martyrs, and trying to figure out what they had going for them that they could believe something so strongly.

The beliefs I held, I held very strongly... I got in trouble for them, sometimes; I didn't know how to be diplomatic. I got my first "C" when I went to a Lutheran school in the sixth grade, and refused to memorize Catechism sections I didn't agree with. I argued with my grandfather over our theological differences--he's Catholic; I'm Protestant. I studied both sides of the Creationism issue, and practiced debating it with my sister, taking alternate viewpoints. I nearly got thrown out of a summer day camp because I told a fellow camper that she would go to hell if she didn't get saved.

In my teens I studied the issue of abortion, came down firmly on the anti-abortion side, and began crusading... I put a sign in my window and got in trouble for it when it embarrassed my dad... I wrote to politicians over the issues I thought were important, and one of them thought I wanted to be a politician and suggested I read "The Wealth of Nations" (I checked this out, but decided I didn't like economics)... I printed out tiny pamphlets about abortion, and stuck them into pregnancy tests at the grocery store, books at the library, and other public locations... I called the numbers in the phone book and, because I was too afraid to talk if a person picked up the phone, played a recorded message into the receiver instead. I was there when Missouri banned partial-birth abortion; there was a huge crowd out on the Capitol lawn.

My cousins were the only kids I really figured out how to get along with; every time they came by, starting when I was about eight and ending when I was in high school, I wrote a play and we performed it. The older of the two cousins was always the director, though; and she'd often insist on doing things in a way I knew wouldn't work but I couldn't figure out how to get her to change it, because I didn't know how to get her to do anything. I usually took the role with the most memory involved, because I was the best at memorizing. I was the last to give up our plays, even though I'm the oldest of the cousins; I was rather sad to see them go. After that, all they wanted to do was play cards, go to movies, or talk; and I thought it very boring.

Thanks Callista! It's pretty amazing how similar our experiences are.


Max:

7 O'Clock, I would advise going for an official diagnosis.