Aspies For Freedom

Hi
My son went on holiday with his dad in August last year, since he has come back, he has shouted for me every night which involves a back and forth conversation through the walls between us, on some nights this can happen about 4 or 5 times, on these bad nights he usually needs me to go into his room and repeat to him "I am here, see you in the morning"  I just put it all down to him missing me whilst he was on holiday with his dad and sisters as we are very close.

For the last couple of months aswell as this happening he began showing a dislike for his bedroom, he told me he didn't like the feel of the mattress so I placed a duvet over the top to make it more comfortable to him, he said he didn't like his covers so I bought new sets and changed them, he didn't like his light so now we have it on dim, the wind (we have had strong winds lately) disturbed him, so on these nights he slept in his sisters bedroom.  I know that Josef likes routine, so I set up a new routine for him, he has a play on his play station, his tea, bath, then wind down time with me which is usually a story.  

It was during his bath that Josef began to explain, whilst being upset, that he cannot face life without me if I was ever to die.  Josef is 8 years old and I know that around this age all kids fixate on death to understand it, but as I tried to explain that yes we all eventually die, but by the time that happens he will be an adult and maybe have his own kids and even grandkids.  He stopped me and said "No, when you die, thats the day I die"  He was very adamant with what he said, so much so that after our chat, I went to his sister who is nearly 14 and who had overheard some of our conversation and said to her, "if anything ever happens to me please watch him"  Since then Josef is starting to let things out, such as, he says he is never going to leave me, he will care for me always and that when he is sleeping he has nitemares of him watching me die and he can do nothing about it.  

What I would like to know by anybody with a child with AS or anyone who has AS, is sleep disruption normal with things like nite terrors, what can I do to help that, and how can I ease his thoughts on me going to die, he never says anything about other people die'ing, its just me.  I have been told that josef has a strong attatchment to me, and I know Josef can be obsessive about stuff, could that be a reason for it? I am due to go into hospital in the next couple of weeks and he is going to stay with his dad for a week whilst I am in there, he said he doesn't want me to go because he can't 'see' in his mind where I will be, I have been thinking of taking him with me when I am admitted so that he can then 'see' where I will be and his thoughts and worries will be eased. Is that a good idea?

He often says his brain is too busy, I guess I just want to help him ease that so it isn't too busy with him to cope with,  any advice anyone can give would be great.

Thanks
Jane

My only suggestion would be for you to seek professional advice, particularly if this behavior only started after the holiday.

Yes, there must be some reason for his unsettled behaviour, even if it was that his father was somewhat critical of him while he stayed with him.

Hi, a quick update since posting my question on here.

Josef is still not sleeping that great at night but there is an improvement.  I have sought the advice of his teachers and ed psych and they have been great.

The only person josefs dad would be critical about is me.  He is a great dad to his kids and Josef was more than happy to stay there with him whilst I was in hospital... aslong as he could come to see me and make sure I was ok.

since it started I have always tried to talk to Josef about the holiday to see if anything could have happened whilst he was there.  The only thing his eldest sister can think of was that one day he was really missing me and was upset and wanted to come home. Josef is a bit of a worrier and he thought I was at home not being able to move around or get out (I have MS).  The only mistake his dad made was he didn't give him the phone to phone me as I would have been able to tell him I was fine and my mobility was perfect.

We are still carrying on with our routine and it seems to help him calm down and relax before bedtime.

I am still trying to find answers but for now we are working through it.  I have read in an article that bachs rescue remedy is good for kids who wake anxious through the night, its a homeopathic remedy and Josef was willing to try it.  Whether the improvement is because of this or simply mind over matter who knows.  

I am sure we will get there in the end.
Jane

hes protective of the thingsand he loves like you.. he was shouting for you to insure that you were safe and protected.his way of caring for you in the best way he knows how. in his mind i think the only way to insure your safe is to see you for him self.

My son is eight and my other is five and while neither have been focused on my death, both have gone through times when only mommy would do for bedtime, sitting by me at dinner, wanting on my lap, and they get intensely uncooperative about separation of any time.  We worked on it by my husband spending more time with them doing things in a less rushed and more attentive way.  Once they established a good relationship with him, they were more open to relationships with grandparents and teachers and not always needing mommy.

Again, it wasn't extreme, and my husband has always been a good dad, it's just taht we started making an effort to MAKE SURE the kids got time with daddy...

One thing I've noticed with many parents and care givers is that they don't take one on one time with the kids and actually talk to them and enjoy them; even if they only have the kids on special occassions or weekends, they'll act more like they are babysitting or just exist with the kid instead of investing in them. Kids need attention to feel loved. If your husband is a bit distant and/or distracted, that could explain why the visit impacted him so much and he felt only mommy will do.

My oldest niece is getting to the age (10) where she is articulate enough to say why she and her sisters don't like it at daddy's (boring, just watch tv, etc) - being young AND having AS your son might just not understand what he's feeling and has jumped to the conclusion that it's your presence he needs instead of attention from daddy.

My guess is that some focused quality time with someone else who cares about him would ensure him that his relationship with mommy isn't the only valuable, and thus manditory, part of his existance.   If his dad lives far away, it might not be as easy to suggest he take your son to do some things just the two of them where he gets a lot more focused attention. But maybe someone else in his life could do this for a couple of hours here and there?

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your son and that you cherish each other, which is good - but for his own good, especially since he has AS and will have difficulty doing it on his own later on, I would suggest finding someone else for him to connect with who is a safe person to invest in him in a way that makes him know someone else besides his mommy will be important to him.   If you don't have anyone you trust or that would be willing, even his sister could fit the bill if she was up to it.

It's also possible that he won't want to go out on his own when he grows up. Some aspie people prefer to stay living with their parents even after age 18 or 21.

You can't tell that at this young age that he'd want to stay at home... Aspies who live with parents are generally self-supporting with jobs, or else going to college, anyhow, so it's not like that's a tragic thing.

I really think this is just anxiety as the child learns about the reality of death and separation. Possibly a bit of depression mixed in there... Aspie kids are often fascinated, scared of, or obsessed with death; I know I was.

I'm 34 and strong winds still freak me out and keep me up at night.
I think it's a good idea to let him see where you'll be staying, can you both visit before the big day though, (would have a go the day before as he may fret if you do it too early).  How do you think he'll cope going on the day you're admitted and having to leave you there? Perhaps that'd be fine but I know I / my kids would find that harder than saying goodbye at home.

As my son (age 9, AS) shows the behavior of "can't live without you", "you are not to die, mom", "if you ever die, I don't know what to do" as well, I think this is a quite normal thing. It's probably the way an AS child manages with the fear of losing a parent. And of course it will be different strong in different children (my son does not wake me at night, but I am usually a healthy type, so he's not reminded of my mortality constantly).

I'm managing this thing quite the same way. Giving the child attention when it's fears arouse, telling him the truth about death, that nobody can predict if I live long but that the chances are good that I live up to his adulthood, that I'm confident he will be able to care for himself by then and so on.

Judging from my own experiences, it may take much longer in Aspies to come over such fears and stages in life and they will return some times until one can manage to handle them and put them into the drawer where they belong. Of course they will come out again, whenever there's a current reason (like death of a familymember, illness of parent or sibling etc.).

Some problems just can't be solved in an instant.

Sibylle