Aspies For Freedom

Hello, everyone.  I am a college student, recently self-diagnosed with AS (with the help of one of my high school teachers who has worked with children with AS before).  She does have a degree in psychology...but I still consider it a self-diagnosis because she never expressly told me I have it.  She suggested some reading about it and seemed to be encouraging my discovery (but I am not good at picking up on things like this so only after doing all the reading did I realize why she had asked me to do so in the first place.)  I recognized that the symptoms explained so much of what I have been feeling for as long as I can remember.  I value her opinion very much, and I feel relieved to know that there is a reason I have trouble knowing what is expected of me in social situations.  Often I am overwhelmed in these situations, even if they only involve a few people, sometimes I feel that there is too much going on to take in and I withdraw.    

People often accuse me of "spacing out" and although I do daydream sometimes I (usually) don't tune out conversations because I am uninterested but because I don't know how to become involved in the conversation; I can't pick up on the unwritten rules of social ettiquette.  I've always had skill with languages, and trouble with mathematics.  I have compulsions to make lists or I must double check things to make sure everything is in order/according to plan.   A fellow student in one of my classes recognized me one day (my long hair was up and he wasn't sure it was me at first) by the "slight tremor" caused my shaking leg (an almost ceaseless motion whenever I am seated).  I also drum my fingertips against the table or my thumb, twirl pens, pull at my lips when I'm concentrating, and pace, in circles or otherwise.  Small changes in light (color and/or brightness) bother me immensely...I cannot stand strobe lights or lights where the frequency is visible.  I'm very sensitive to touch, as one of my few close friends commented when I interrupted a conversation to announce it had started to drizzle before there was anything but the slightest of drops.  Hearing is not so acute, (I am hard of hearing) but certain pitches nevertheless grate on my nerves.  Smell and taste also. Bascially, sensory input overwhelms me sometimes and other times I am just extremely aware of it and enjoy the intensity.  

I tend to talk obsessively about whatever my current interest is...this varies as I progress to new interests, but I have a hard time with social reciprocity and often do not realize if someone is bored with what I am talking about until they flat out tell me.  If not talking about my interests, I tend to remain quiet in conversation, particularly if more than one other person is involved.  The eye contact issue I am split on...I have a hard time maintaining it while talking to someone, but often I can (never naturally, always artificially) force myself to use it more appropriately...This is a learned behavior because of American Sign Language, which requires it and which I use sometimes to help with hearing (and because it is fun and one of the few ways I am comfortable being social).  

So...that's the majority of the basis for my self-diagnosis.  I am unsure whether I want to pursue testing for a professional diagnosis or just let it stand the way it is now.  I'm happy enough with an explanation for my social oddities and why I've always felt a little out of place.  However, if I want parents/friends to believe me (except the one teacher) I would probably have to get a professional diagnosis.

Also, one thing I am concerned about, (maybe I should post this under the NT/AS interaction topic...) but just to address it briefly, potential relationship issues.  I have trouble giving feedback or in general initiating interaction in anything that falls under/comes close to "possible romantic relationship".  That is, even more trouble than with friendship or other relationships.  I am nervous because I fear I cannot contribute enough, cannot give a boyfriend a fulfilling relationship.  As of now, there is someone I am interested in and my social awkwardeness is already posing a problem.  "See? Communication...it's a good thing." really struck me.  It's not that I don't want to communicate; it's that I really don't know HOW to express myself in certain situations. I think I'm driving him away by acting "uninterested" (according to his perception) because of my lack of response socially.  What if it's better that I don't pursue this?  Maybe someone else is better for him? But I think this will always be a difficulty and I want to know how to approach it.  ...So much for brief.  

Any opinions/comments appreciated.

Hi!
Welcome to AFF.  Suggest you let all this stuff sink in for a bit before deciding anything.

The doctor I saw who 'told' me indirectly that I might have Asperger's saw me again today ( 40 mins. late, that annoyed me ). She admitted she didn't know much about AS and told me to come and see her again in 3 weeks. This is annoying. It has made me doubt the point of persuing a diagnosis ( How many more waiting rooms do I want to sit in, waiting? ). The positive seems to be that in UK it would give me disability rights in employment. The negative is having to go through all over again explaining my behaviour, etc. to yet another person. The more people I wait to talk to about myself, the worse I seem to feel. I do think that having the label of AS would be useful in defending myself against potential sickness due to anxiety at work. At the same time I think I also need to be careful of becoming too obsessed with something I may not even be. I might just be naturally anxious about everything ( and nothing ) and just generally not interested in the way the 'normal' world wants me to be. I am very open minded at the moment but still a little frustrated as I still don't have any answers.

I think it would be worthwhile pursuing an official diagnosis just for peace of mind if nothing else, but I hope it won't be too expensive or time consuming.

An official diagnosis is something you should avoid getting at all costs. There there is no treatment and only downsides. I just found out that if I went and was diagnosed with aspergers officially my certification as an industrial medic would be removed meaning no money to pay for college. Getting diagnosed seemes to be the equivalent of being a convicted rapist.

That's discrimination and something we must fight against.