Aspies For Freedom

Hmm tricky as she did not know about your condition to start with but she was happy with it when it suited her as it was cute. Being different or not always understanding people or any parts of AS are not cute, unique yes, cute no.

I would say to you, never say never about medical help. Perhaps by giving it a go it placates her and it may help, it may not. If it does not help then you have tried, she has seen you try and then it's down to her to be more accepting.

Don't be a part of social situations you won't enjoy, I have learnt that, if i'm gonna sit there and not enjoy it or have people saying oh cheer up etc then I just don't go. It really is that simple. I will spend the time on doing things I want to do. Again she needs to be accepting of that.

The criticism is going to drag you down horribly. If you are putting up with this day after day then eventually you are going to leave or to start resenting her. If she loves you, she has to be understanding.

To speak on such situations is not always easy as without knowing the people involved you can't always give out good advice.

Ever seen Shelke in FF7 Dirge of Cerberus? So cute and also a bit unique in a lil bit aspie way.

I continually got told to change and improve myself and it destroyed what little confidence I started out with so that is something to consider.

Too many women go into relationships hoping to change their man and then they are liable to complain he is too boring and predictable.

One possible solution is to ask the other person what aspect of your behaviour they find hardest to deal with and work on that. However, if they aren't willing to be patient, it's probably not worth keeping the relationship going.

It's harder when the woman is very young - she might not have had the life experience that breeds patience and forebearance and therefore have unrealistic expectations for the relationship.

I for one would be very insulted if somebody told me they didn't want me to have their children because of my "disease" - fortunately that didn't happen as I was only diagnosed with autism just over three years ago and I don't think I'd be capable of having any more children now.

I struggle as Gemma is 21 and I been with her since she was 17 so there is a bit of a generation gap nearly, most of the time it is not that important.

It is hard to see you have come to the end of the road with a person but never give up. However in reply to the initial situation it seem slike she wants to mould you how she thinks you should be. Is that what you really want?

Maybe she thought she could change or fix you and it bothers her that she can't.there's a saying, "never marry a man thinking you're going change him". Also, if she hasn't had other boyfriends, she may not have much to compare her relationship with you to. This may sound nasty or inappropriate, bup maybe the two of you should take a break from your relationship and she could learn more about men and relationships from knowing other people.

Couple of thoughts--there could be cultural issues at work that set up expectations that don't help the situation.  There's some stuff you can probably accomodate and others not.  Telling the difference betweeen these might be trial and error.

Since you're interested in this stuff...what's her enneagram and mbti type?
(Maybe have her read stuff on 5s...takes it out of the aspie context but addresses many of the same issues.)

Could this be the problem? I think it's really good in a relationship if both partners have a certain amount of independence, and space.

I think you're right about the uselessness of a diagnosis. I find people who make these diagnoses are little more than priests who give official benedictions and utter the right incantations to make a label "official". Bah.

Yes, she needs to get given her marching papers, pronto!!

What was quite confronting is that I saw so much of the bad points in my (failed) marriage coming up in your post for similar reasons.
OK let's look at things constructively: You both adore each other vs you have Aspergers and she has issues and ignorance with the condition.
So is love going to address the problems OR are the problems going to destroy the existing love piece by bloody peace?
Who knows? Should you bail now and save the chance of a hell of a lot of pain? Should you stick around and try and work through difficult times in hope that things get better?
I can't tell you that either.
What I will say is there are some very big issues on her side that she needs to address very quickly.
Be patient, informative, compromising, understanding, rational, but don't be a sucker and don't be a doormat. Help give her the best chance to sort her shit out before you leave or give ultimatums. This way at best you will help sort out the issues and your relationship will be stronger in time for it OR at worse you will be able to walk away from the relationship knowing you did all you could.

I think it's too late and he ought to bail.

I think you are quite fortunate it is she that is uncomfortable with your AS than you be being uncomfortable with your AS.

Dixie
(an NT)

Sorry, I should know by now to be more graphic with my statements.    I meant, if your significant other can't accept you for who you are, you can always find another SO.  If it were you, who could not accept the AS dx, you would have a pretty miserable life.

You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy w/ another.

Dixie

My boyfriend is an aspie, im not. We're both from different cultures, he's polish and im Portuguese. I've been together for 4 years, and im sure we'll be together much, much longer.

We also had some little troubles in the begining, now, looking back, i know its not because he's autistic at all, but because none of us knew about it. We acted differently and couldnt understand each other for a while.

It all got solved the moment i found out he's an aspie, and we both adapted to each other's way of being, extraordinary fast and smoothly.

I changed nothing about him, and i never wanted him to change. The only think i helped him with, was to read my facial and body expressions and guessing how i was feeling. Nothing else.
He teached a thousand things and some people even comment i absorved a bit of his autism (if that is possible, lol).
I think all changes came naturally, i can not even imagine myself wanting to be different than what he is.

I think you should not change yourself to please others. Adaptations are always better chan chaning something you feel is part of your personality. But adaptations have to be espontaneous.

I think your making a lot of effords, i hope she realises that. I hope she also realises, most nt's dont try as hard as you've been trying to make things work. My boyfriend, was never as careful as you are. lol

If looking at ppl in the eyes makes you feel unconfy, its your right not to do it. Nts a very close minded as far as tolerating others, specially among themselves.

Yes, there's a chance, that the children can come out with some light asperger nuance, but so what?

If the relationship is dragging you down, then maybe its not worth it.
Believe in me, you'll find someone better. Dont let people put you down, or you might start believing in it.

Yara, good points. I think the relationship beomes abusive if it is one person who is always expected to do all the changing. The lady spoken of before sounds to me as if she is quite immature and shallow. Perhaps her ideas will improve with time, but it worries me that she doesn't even want to have his children and tells him he isn't doing enough to change. Maybe she should look at herself and her attitudes first before criticising him.

Oh i just realised how bad my spelling was on that reply, was terrible!  lolol

tenaciouscj, the children aspect is very serious, people have to be conscient that the possibility of genetics or whatever, can really make children come out with some nuance of autism, and not everyone is tolerant enough to respect the child's way of being, and its biologic rhythm.  

This has to cause extreme levels of frustration. I know in the States there's crazy therapies, where they do whatever it takes to push children to talk, even using some "light violence" (even though violence is never light)

Some years ago i managed to convince a mother, to take her child out of all kinds of therapy for good. She really wanted her son to talk. The kid became violent, kicking and biting everyone who pushed him.
Fortunately, she's sensitive enough and now just lets him play all day spinning leaves, lolol  I believe that if one day he'll feel the need to talk, then it will happen naturally.

I feel extremelly oppressed in this narrow minded world, i can not even imagine how much harder it must be for whoever is not respected for the way they are.