01-07-2007, 01:12 AM
I’m a 23 year old recently self-diagnosed aspergerian male who has been in a relationship with an NT female for now almost 2 years. This is my first relationship, and its been a blessing in so many ways, but it’s got some issues as well.
I met my girlfriend on an online dating website (which was in and of itself a very scary thing for me to be a part of) and we hit it off very quickly. Within one month we were very much in love and have remained so throughout our time together. We have had great chemistry in the sense that we can talk to one another about anything, and we can be very frank with one another and not have to play mind games. We have also had innumerous romantic experiences with one another, something I never imagined I would be a part of. While that part didn’t come so naturally to me, she has helped me out and told me the kinds of things she likes and that I can do to make her feel special and we have grown closer on an emotional level. And that’s not the only way she’s opened me up, I have really come to learn about many new sides of myself and been (usually) pleasantly surprised at how many little things I’ve been able to bring into my life to add more meaning thanks to her. I’ve also made a huge impact on her and have provided her the confirmation that not every male is “typical” and that someone exists who adores her. She believes I represent the exception to all the rules about men and about Americans (she’s from former Soviet Union and doesn’t like US culture so much) and believes that with us together, anything is possible. In many ways not only is she my romantic partner, but she is my best friend as well, I don’t really have anyone else in this world (apart from talking with my parents) who I spend a significant or consistent amount of time with. We both love spending time with one another and have thoughts of spending our lives together. She is so special to me.
Now come the tricky part. Not everything in our relationship has been smooth-sailing. In fact, from the very first time we met, she has pointed out my idiosyncrasies and tried to offer suggestions as to how to ‘fix’ them. Early in our relationship, she noted that I often unknowingly talk too loudly, don’t walk straight, am single-minded in my interests, don’t look people in the eyes, can’t read body language very well, and am meek in social situations. A lot of this was stuff she initially perceived as kind of cute and that stuff that she could show me I was doing (I honestly didn’t know I was doing these things and was willing to change to please the girl I loved) and help me overcome. She figured that my mom hadn’t done a very good job teaching me the ways of the world and that she would do that. In some areas I did make progress (I’m better at looking her in the eyes, although this is still a conscious effort and I still don’t look others in the eyes) but in most, despite promising that I would work on these areas, I didn’t change that much. There were also other parts of the relationship where I’ve had a hard time controlling myself; when she says something critical, I take it very personally and retreat into myself or even worse say something self-demeaning (‘I’m an idiot’, etc) which hurts not only me but her as well. She took a lot of things I said personally as well and got quickly offended as well, we both agreed something needed to change. She came up with what we both agreed was a wonderful solution. We were to know that there could not be no negative assumptions, what one of us said was meant from love and it wasn’t possible that we were trying to hurt the other; with that in mind, she surmised and I agreed we would be a far stronger couple. She was wonderful in keeping her part of this deal, she began to calm herself down where she formerly would become upset and was able to avert a number of unpleasantries between us in this way. Even when she did become upset she was able to calm herself down more quickly for the sake of our relationship. I, on the other hand, was not so successful in implementing the strategy. I wanted to. I knew it would make us stronger and she was so supportive, but she would continue to point out parts of me that were less than stellar, and I continued, no matter how hard I tried, to have negative feelings and even some dysthymia/depression after these conversations. She told me I had to stop it, I was being too pessimistic and that if she could change, then certainly I could as well. As time went on, I continued not to be able to control these particular feelings. I also forgot a lot of things that she considered to be important. She was convinced that either I wasn’t trying and that I was lazy or that maybe I had some psychiatric defect - she even suggested I had ADHD, an idea I vehemently disliked. She told me that I needed to see somebody about this, that it was hurting our relationsip – I couldn’t bring myself to that, especially since I was in denial that a lot of the things she was pointing out were real.
We also have a lot of typical male-female issue and cultural conflicts. I’m not a spontaneous person like she is, and sometimes she is so emotional that it throws me for a loop. I used to hold ALL of my emotions inside, and now I have to deal with all of them and I don’t always know how to do that, which is confusing, and also makes me look weak to my girl. I also don’t show my emotions as much as she wants, when she does something special for me (which she often does) I don’t have the kind of reaction she wants/expects. I can’t always express my feelings with words and am sometimes silent leading her to call me a ‘wall’.
It is not until recently that I did some (quite a lot, actually) research and discovered that aspergers fits about 95% of my seemingly bizarre behavior and was somewhat relieved to find this explanation as to why I am the way I am. My zoning out when I have too much mental stimulation, my dislike for social settings, my little ‘stim’ behaviors like playing with pens incessantly, my single-mindedness in whatever might pique my interest at the current moment, it all began to make sense.
Since we have such an open relationship, I of course told her as soon as I came to this realization. After I self diagnosed my self with Baron-Cohen tests (I was off the charts Aspie on all of them), she went over the DSM criteria with me and confirmed that I do indeed meet those criteria. However, instead of this being empowering for her, it has caused somewhat more of a riff between us. She attributes most all of the problems in our relationship to “my thing”. She wants me to go to someone to get a formal diagnosis where she also wants them to tell me whether I will get worse with time, what my chance of passing this on to kids is, and for me either to receive medical or behavioral therapy which will, in her mind, very quickly enable me to overcome all of the things she doesn’t like about me. A lot of this sentiment comes from the fact that she wants to consider us being serious and she doesn’t think these characteristics would work in a marriage or especially marriage with children relationship and she’s trying to do what she sees as best for us with the thought that I don’t realize it will make both me and us better. We’re also probably not going to live in the same city again next year, so she wants to know ASAP whether I’m worth putting all of her hopes and dreams into.
I am, as fellow aspergerians may well understand, hesitant to go to any such psych person 1. because I’m pretty sure I have this amd they’re just going to take my money to tell me something I already know 2. because I don’t know that I want to change that much (if I wasn’t me, who would I be?) 3. because I’m going to be a medical professional and I feel like this could stigmatize me in my field (even if it is confidential I’m still a little paranoid), and 4. from everything I’ve read, while I might change some of my more overt idiosyncrasies, a lot of this is my neural wiring and isn’t changing no matter how much she or I would want it to. She of course doesn’t understand or want to accept this 4th tenant. Her father is very stubborn and she tells me that a refusal to change is me being stubborn and egotistic like him, and that of course I can change – I need to, she says, for us. She wants me to be 'optimistic', to believe that I can and will change for the better and that we will live happily ever after if and when I believe in and do that.
I’m kind of lost right now. This is the love of my life, my house-mate, and my best friend. Emotionally, I want to spend all of my time with her and even my whole life, and yet intellectually I’m feeling like this isn’t making sense. I need to be me in order to be happy, I’ve probably suppressed a lot of the ‘me’ things these past two years, and in some ways that’s probably forced me to keep a lot of baggage on the inside. I also want to make her happy. No matter how much I try, however, I’m never going to know how to act in each and every situation to make her feel like I am her supportive rock, and she needs that. My aspergerian traits are not going to go away and she’s going to be constantly annoyed with them, or resentful of me if I don’t change. She loves me, and yet she doesn’t think I would make for the kind of father she would want for her children and doesn’t want children with my ‘sickness’. She also sometimes feels like she's the "only one in the relationship" and, after many months of having playful fights about who loves who more than the other, she has come to the (not so playful) conclusion that I cannot truly love her as much as she loves me because I do not think of her as much as she thinks of me and because I forget things that she tells me. These, amongst other things, are making me question how this relationship is going to continue to work. Despite the fact that we each love each other incredibly intensely and spend all of what little free time we (and particularly I) have together, we still are caught at a cross-roads. Any comments or suggestions?
I met my girlfriend on an online dating website (which was in and of itself a very scary thing for me to be a part of) and we hit it off very quickly. Within one month we were very much in love and have remained so throughout our time together. We have had great chemistry in the sense that we can talk to one another about anything, and we can be very frank with one another and not have to play mind games. We have also had innumerous romantic experiences with one another, something I never imagined I would be a part of. While that part didn’t come so naturally to me, she has helped me out and told me the kinds of things she likes and that I can do to make her feel special and we have grown closer on an emotional level. And that’s not the only way she’s opened me up, I have really come to learn about many new sides of myself and been (usually) pleasantly surprised at how many little things I’ve been able to bring into my life to add more meaning thanks to her. I’ve also made a huge impact on her and have provided her the confirmation that not every male is “typical” and that someone exists who adores her. She believes I represent the exception to all the rules about men and about Americans (she’s from former Soviet Union and doesn’t like US culture so much) and believes that with us together, anything is possible. In many ways not only is she my romantic partner, but she is my best friend as well, I don’t really have anyone else in this world (apart from talking with my parents) who I spend a significant or consistent amount of time with. We both love spending time with one another and have thoughts of spending our lives together. She is so special to me.
Now come the tricky part. Not everything in our relationship has been smooth-sailing. In fact, from the very first time we met, she has pointed out my idiosyncrasies and tried to offer suggestions as to how to ‘fix’ them. Early in our relationship, she noted that I often unknowingly talk too loudly, don’t walk straight, am single-minded in my interests, don’t look people in the eyes, can’t read body language very well, and am meek in social situations. A lot of this was stuff she initially perceived as kind of cute and that stuff that she could show me I was doing (I honestly didn’t know I was doing these things and was willing to change to please the girl I loved) and help me overcome. She figured that my mom hadn’t done a very good job teaching me the ways of the world and that she would do that. In some areas I did make progress (I’m better at looking her in the eyes, although this is still a conscious effort and I still don’t look others in the eyes) but in most, despite promising that I would work on these areas, I didn’t change that much. There were also other parts of the relationship where I’ve had a hard time controlling myself; when she says something critical, I take it very personally and retreat into myself or even worse say something self-demeaning (‘I’m an idiot’, etc) which hurts not only me but her as well. She took a lot of things I said personally as well and got quickly offended as well, we both agreed something needed to change. She came up with what we both agreed was a wonderful solution. We were to know that there could not be no negative assumptions, what one of us said was meant from love and it wasn’t possible that we were trying to hurt the other; with that in mind, she surmised and I agreed we would be a far stronger couple. She was wonderful in keeping her part of this deal, she began to calm herself down where she formerly would become upset and was able to avert a number of unpleasantries between us in this way. Even when she did become upset she was able to calm herself down more quickly for the sake of our relationship. I, on the other hand, was not so successful in implementing the strategy. I wanted to. I knew it would make us stronger and she was so supportive, but she would continue to point out parts of me that were less than stellar, and I continued, no matter how hard I tried, to have negative feelings and even some dysthymia/depression after these conversations. She told me I had to stop it, I was being too pessimistic and that if she could change, then certainly I could as well. As time went on, I continued not to be able to control these particular feelings. I also forgot a lot of things that she considered to be important. She was convinced that either I wasn’t trying and that I was lazy or that maybe I had some psychiatric defect - she even suggested I had ADHD, an idea I vehemently disliked. She told me that I needed to see somebody about this, that it was hurting our relationsip – I couldn’t bring myself to that, especially since I was in denial that a lot of the things she was pointing out were real.
We also have a lot of typical male-female issue and cultural conflicts. I’m not a spontaneous person like she is, and sometimes she is so emotional that it throws me for a loop. I used to hold ALL of my emotions inside, and now I have to deal with all of them and I don’t always know how to do that, which is confusing, and also makes me look weak to my girl. I also don’t show my emotions as much as she wants, when she does something special for me (which she often does) I don’t have the kind of reaction she wants/expects. I can’t always express my feelings with words and am sometimes silent leading her to call me a ‘wall’.
It is not until recently that I did some (quite a lot, actually) research and discovered that aspergers fits about 95% of my seemingly bizarre behavior and was somewhat relieved to find this explanation as to why I am the way I am. My zoning out when I have too much mental stimulation, my dislike for social settings, my little ‘stim’ behaviors like playing with pens incessantly, my single-mindedness in whatever might pique my interest at the current moment, it all began to make sense.
Since we have such an open relationship, I of course told her as soon as I came to this realization. After I self diagnosed my self with Baron-Cohen tests (I was off the charts Aspie on all of them), she went over the DSM criteria with me and confirmed that I do indeed meet those criteria. However, instead of this being empowering for her, it has caused somewhat more of a riff between us. She attributes most all of the problems in our relationship to “my thing”. She wants me to go to someone to get a formal diagnosis where she also wants them to tell me whether I will get worse with time, what my chance of passing this on to kids is, and for me either to receive medical or behavioral therapy which will, in her mind, very quickly enable me to overcome all of the things she doesn’t like about me. A lot of this sentiment comes from the fact that she wants to consider us being serious and she doesn’t think these characteristics would work in a marriage or especially marriage with children relationship and she’s trying to do what she sees as best for us with the thought that I don’t realize it will make both me and us better. We’re also probably not going to live in the same city again next year, so she wants to know ASAP whether I’m worth putting all of her hopes and dreams into.
I am, as fellow aspergerians may well understand, hesitant to go to any such psych person 1. because I’m pretty sure I have this amd they’re just going to take my money to tell me something I already know 2. because I don’t know that I want to change that much (if I wasn’t me, who would I be?) 3. because I’m going to be a medical professional and I feel like this could stigmatize me in my field (even if it is confidential I’m still a little paranoid), and 4. from everything I’ve read, while I might change some of my more overt idiosyncrasies, a lot of this is my neural wiring and isn’t changing no matter how much she or I would want it to. She of course doesn’t understand or want to accept this 4th tenant. Her father is very stubborn and she tells me that a refusal to change is me being stubborn and egotistic like him, and that of course I can change – I need to, she says, for us. She wants me to be 'optimistic', to believe that I can and will change for the better and that we will live happily ever after if and when I believe in and do that.
I’m kind of lost right now. This is the love of my life, my house-mate, and my best friend. Emotionally, I want to spend all of my time with her and even my whole life, and yet intellectually I’m feeling like this isn’t making sense. I need to be me in order to be happy, I’ve probably suppressed a lot of the ‘me’ things these past two years, and in some ways that’s probably forced me to keep a lot of baggage on the inside. I also want to make her happy. No matter how much I try, however, I’m never going to know how to act in each and every situation to make her feel like I am her supportive rock, and she needs that. My aspergerian traits are not going to go away and she’s going to be constantly annoyed with them, or resentful of me if I don’t change. She loves me, and yet she doesn’t think I would make for the kind of father she would want for her children and doesn’t want children with my ‘sickness’. She also sometimes feels like she's the "only one in the relationship" and, after many months of having playful fights about who loves who more than the other, she has come to the (not so playful) conclusion that I cannot truly love her as much as she loves me because I do not think of her as much as she thinks of me and because I forget things that she tells me. These, amongst other things, are making me question how this relationship is going to continue to work. Despite the fact that we each love each other incredibly intensely and spend all of what little free time we (and particularly I) have together, we still are caught at a cross-roads. Any comments or suggestions?