Aspies For Freedom

I have a housemate who is ultra-NT, basically a social genius. Her skill profile and mine are almost exact opposites; our intelligence levels are about the same, but we use that intelligence so very differently!

In any case, she is usually pretty forthcoming with advice when she sees me doing something socially unacceptable; I don't always take her advice, because sometimes it's just custom and convention, but I'm glad to have it especially when I could potentially hurt someone by just being socially clumsy.

Recently I was nearly not accepted to a college which is pretty much my last resort, as colleges go; and I was very distressed, especially when circumstances changed repeatedly over the course of two days. I went into meltdown mode once, told my housemate she had made a mistake that complicated registration and that I was angry at her, and then went to my room and crawled under my blanket. (She may or may not have made a mistake--she says she didn't; I say she did; either way it was a mistake and not intentional, and thus nobody's fault. I apologized later for being rude to her.)

Anyway, today my housemate made two comments which both took me by surprise.

1. She told me that I had mood swings, and was unpredictable.

From my perspective, I don't have mood swings. My moods are pretty stable, except for the "meltdown mode" which occurs when things get unpredictable, frightening, or frustrating--on average about twice a month. Usually I withdraw when that happens, but if I don't predict it early enough, I can be rude or even cry in public.

So it seems to me there are several possibilities.
--She sees me in environment-based overload, and interprets it as mood swings. Solution: Continue learning to handle stress without going into meltdown.
--I actually do have mood swings, but they're subconscious or I don't notice them somehow, maybe because it's been that way all my life. Solution: Learn more about myself.
--I act out moods in an exaggerated fashion, for example acting elated when I'm in fact only mildly happy, or totally dejected when I'm only disappointed. Solution: Learn to tone down displays of inner emotion.
--She's wrong about the mood swings. Solution: None needed.


2. My housemate also told me that I blame my problems on others too much.

In saying "blaming my problems on others", she also said that I blame my problems on my AS, ADHD, or depression--that I don't take responsibility for my choices. Also, she may have been referring to my blaming part of the registration fiasco on her error (whether it exists or not--it could've been my error).

When I say, "I have bad organizational skills because I'm ADHD," does that come across as saying, "I won't try to be organized, because I'm using my ADHD as an excuse not to"? My housemate says that instead of saying that I have problems because of my various diagnosed conditions, I should "just do" the things I don't do--be organized, do my schoolwork on schedule, get out and socialize.

Also she said I blame too many problems on my abusive stepfather, and on a cultish college I used to go to.

If I do blame my problems on other people, does that mean I'm also claiming I can't solve them? Or does it just mean that I am seeing the logical origins of those problems--in inborn tendencies and the environment as well as my own bad choices--and stating what I observe? Problems that originate with something I can't control can still be solved, after all; but when I say these problems aren't entirely my fault, am I subconsciously stating that I can't control them?

So does anyone have any comments? How should I take my housemate's criticism? Is it NT-style evaluation of normal Aspie tendencies, or do I really have some problems that need to be worked on?

Hmm... so you're saying she could be sensitive to feelings, the way I'm sensitive to polyester fabric and flourescent flicker?

People without AS or ADHD find it hard to understand why we can’t just 'get organised' or 'go out an meet people'. As if all we need to do is put in a greater effort or change our mind set and that's all it would take. Its not like that...I wish it was.

I think its unlikely you are using your AS/ADHD to avoid responsibility for your actions. I doubt your housemate appreciates how much effort it takes for you to do what she does naturally.

What she interprets as mood swings is most likely your attempt to deal with some difficult issues in your life. Issues she doesn’t have or even knows exist.

As for you blaming others for your problems. Well, I don’t know much about your life, so I can’t say how much blame should be attributed to those around you.

But it seems to me that if you've had an abusive stepfather this may have caused difficulties additional to your AS/ADHD (I don't know how much). So perhaps your stepfather should accept some blame for your current situation. We are all influenced (for good or ill) by our past experience. And it would be foolish to ignore the fact.

That being said, none of us should allow ourselves become a victim of our past or a martyr to our AS/ADHD. We are so much more than the sum of our past experiences. So much more than  a diagnosis of AS or ADHD.

P.S I'm not exactly sure what attending a 'cultish college' means (So I can't really comment).

The college, Pensacola "Christian" College (quotes because I think they weren't really Christians, just using Christianity to control people)... basically the students were taught to revere the college's rules and the college president above all else, and to report on each other if they caught anybody disobeying, and to think and do only what the college wanted them to do. They weren't allowed to live off campus (except with parents) and had to get permission to leave campus... Many worked for the college's multimillion-dollar textbook business, in exchange for tuition, room, and board and were given a $50-per-month living allowance... ideally, the student's entire life revolved around the college.

That's what I mean by "cultish".

Okay, so today I had a talk with a housemate; and she told me that the other two housemates are actually upset with me, because I was so desperate and probably rude yesterday when I thought the college I was applying to (a community college--and no, not "cultish") wouldn't accept me. I basically told one housemate that I thought the other was unpredictable and thus I couldn't depend on her (she'd changed her plans a few times, and I just about went nuts, because I kept being knocked off balance). I guess I overreacted to those changed plans because of my already high stress level.

So yeah, I have a couple housemates mad at me now, because I didn't have the control to act properly when I was stressed and upset. Lots of fun...

I guess I still need to work on controlling my emotions.  I thought I had it down when I stopped having tantrums around six years ago; but I guess I haven't mastered it yet.

Cultish sound like a bit of an understatement! Perhaps I'm a little naïve, but didn’t thing such places existed in the real world. Maybe in George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, but surely not in reality. Well done you for surviving.

Watch out for the Thought Police

Opps, my dyslexia appears to have kicked in again (slight spelling mistake)

The last post should have read:

Cultish sound like a bit of an understatement! Perhaps I'm a little naïve, but didn’t think such places existed in the real world. Maybe in George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, but surely not in reality. Well done you for surviving.

It's like telling someone who is depressed to smile and just get on with it.

She should mind her own business.

I agree, she shouldn't be acting so rudely. Anyone would be upset if they didn't get into a college that they really wanted to. I also think it is very bad of her to get the other two people involved and that they now are effectively "ganging up" on Callista.

She is a house mate, not a partner, friend or family member. Hows about if she does not like living with you to get a roll of bin bags, pack her gear and f**k off?

Well, considering she holds the lease, she's more likely to tell me to "f**k off"!

Another housemate just now informed me that whenever I say something rude (I don't mean to, but I guess I do), this girl has been insulting me to my face, only I was oblivious to it... I couldn't help laughing; because it's so ironic--Since I'm socially clueless, I wasn't hurt by something that otherwise might've hurt me! Yeah... Aspie social clumsiness has its benefits.

She sounds like an extremely immature and nasty witch to be frank who you would be better off without.  I have just graduated as a mature student so didn't "live in" but saw a few nasty spoiled little witches like that. Just glad I didn't have to live with them. Is it worth trying to educate this person or better to ignore her I wonder.

Your life is not her business. So she she holds the lease but you have rights, you pay money to live there and if she wanted you to leave then she has to give you notice and a valid reason why otherwise you have a valid legal claim against her.

She should get her own life in order and let you live yours.

If she were such a "social genius", she wouldn't be acting like such a b@@ch.

I don't know about that; "social geniuses" can often do such things and get away with it. They are able to manipulate their way forward, care-freely stepping onto others. Being a "genius" of one kind or another doesn't make you nicer.

She just sounds a horrible person. I may be missing the obvious here but is anything stopping you from finding a better place to live?