Aspies For Freedom

Well, I have to say, I only really started to wonder when I started having an interest in a man I was told is autistic and found so many of the descriptions resonated with me, tho not all.

My mother always says that as a child, I was loving, but I can only recall not enjoying hugging people or being hugged at all. I never had many friends and was often the victim of bullies. I spent a lot of time in my own room, losing myself in music and living in my own world really. But the thing is, as far as I know, I have always had some understanding of emotion...but am just unable to express it well. I can write of it well, I can sing of it well, but when it comes to speaking of emotions, I find a physical barrier there. I can feel appalled and unhappy at tragedies I read about, but if someone in person comes to me with an issue or with troubles, I have to literally force myself to even speak in empathic words. I just cannot do it.

Inside, I crave contact and a relationship, but I found that when I had a relationship...I couldnt stand being held for too long, I would have to escape and be in my own space. I hated being in anyones company for long periods.

I find repetitive noises make me very angry. I am always looking at lights and patterns, I am pretty much a loner, feeling no connection at all to the majority of people I come across. I get totally lost in my interests... For example, when I am into harry potter, I spend all my time talking about it, and reading about it, and going on forums. I have always had intense interests. I hair pull when I am anxious or bored. I fear others peoples anger, and find it difficult to approach strangers and start talking generally. It is strange, as I always considered myself to be an emotional person, but now I look at it, I am not. I just seem it because in poems I can express it well, and I do have intense feelings.

I had a diagnosis of bpd 9 years ago, because I was having frequent anger issues and self harmed, yet I was not needy... on the contrary, I kept myself to myself and I do not feel I actually had bpd.. unless aspergers and bpd can co-exist? But, I have read an immense amount on bpd, and I cannot relate at all to a lot of it. For one, having to lie pains me. I cannot do it. I am totally open in what i share...too much so. Time and again I get trouble because I dont hide anything.

So, is is probably I am aspergers or what? I am so confused by it all.

Have you tried the "Aspie Quiz?
There is a thread about it somewhere here.
Also, have you read the bpd criteria on http://www.bpd411.org ?
There are Aspies who can become angry enough to be violent, but not very many.
And yes, cutting is a sign of bpd but is not restricted to those unfortunate people. I know several cutters who are NOT bpd.

I came out with 162/200 on the aspie quiz, and 41/50 on that other one. only 42/200 NT or something like that. I shall have a look at the bpd criteria again.

No, they do not fit me. I do not need to make efforts to avoid being alone lol, as I am alone all the time anyway and in fact, do not like anyone being near me for long periods. The mind boggles. I did used to have a hard time, I would act out a lot, I would get rages where I would self harm as I couldnt express my emotions, but aside from that, the rest of the bpd criteria just doesnt fit.

162 out of 200 and 41 out of 50----
Puts you right in the ball park, doesn't it!
I would recommend getting an official diagnosis if this is at all possible for you.
But in the meantime, you may wish to apply the old DUCK TEST:
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, then there is a high probability that it is a duck.

And don't worry about that bpd diagnosis nine years ago. Hardly anybody knew anything at all about Aperger's Syndrome then.

I guess, it is just... I had always assumed, because I am pretty proficent in language and writing etc, that this couldn't be me...yet last night, I was reading a large book on aspergers by Attwood and everything resonated...it almost all sounded like me, right down to the fact that as a child, I had the odd younger friend, and an old lady as a friend, but not my peers...and was horribly bullied. In fact, after reading it, I couldnt sleep.. I was lying there for hours talking to myself and tossing and turning with my mind racing like mad. My mother says i am not aspergers as I hugged everyone as a child, but from the age of 8 or 9, that changed...and I also remember as a young child, spending much time in my room with my collections, and my books and my music, escaping into my own world.

I had a major issue the other day in a store here in London. It was a bookstore and very busy..people were milling about all around me, going in all directions and some were nudging me as they passed, and I froze and my mind became confused... I couldnt seem to move. It was like some kinda shutdown. That has happened before, but not sure why it happens. I can manage in theaters now...think I have learnt a way to block out the other people.

I found out about AS in a (shame on me for reading this kind of stuff) Robert Ludlum book in which one of the characters was an Aspie. Before this guy was introduced and somebody was only describing him, I felt that they could have been talking about me. By the time I finished the book, I had an odd feeling that somebody had been following me around.

Go with your gut feeling on this one, and especially your scores on the Aspie Quiz and the wired quiz.


BTW the name of the book was "The Hades Factor" written probably more by Gayle Linds than Robert Ludlum.

Hmm, thanks, I will look for that, though it isn't my kind of book usually. I have just finished that dog in the nighttime book, which is meant to be about an aspie, but to be honest, I thought a lot of his traits were more classic autism than aspergers...they just seemed too severe for aspergers to me.