Disclaimer: I am not very familiar with Aspergers and don't know many people with it, so please forgive any ignorance on my part...I'm here to learn! (I do have a brother with who is Hard-of-Hearing and has Learning and processing Disorders, so I am sensitive to those who's minds think differently.)
There is a girl in a social group I'm a part of (crafting) that meets every week. She told the group at one point that she has Aspergers as well as ADHD (which she takes meds for). I looked up the signs and from what I can tell, it looks like she's definitely is AS.
I am not very close to her (we have different interests other than the crafts that we do each week), but I am friendly with her and chat with her. However, a lot of other people in the group talk about her behind her back, sometimes in a very mean way, and I am not sure what I should do (so far, I just don't contribute to the conversation). She has often talked about inappropriate things to people who did not want to hear them and often interupts people (including one time when she interupted someone who was talking about their father's recent passing).
I think she has a lot to offer and I've had some good conversations with her before (usually when there's just a couple of us, rather than a larger group), but I'd like to find some way I can "bridge the gap" a bit between the people who are annoyed with her.
It makes me mad that people talk about her like they do, but I am not really sure what I can do to help, other than continue what I already do.
Any suggestions or advice? I'm totally lost on how I can help the situation.
Oops! Sorry for the doublepost.
The next time she isn't there and people talk behind her back, explain a little of what you have learned, so that they can understand some of the things they find difficult to understand about her are the results of her condition. The more they understand that, the more they will be able to accept it, and maybe learn to gently guide her. A true friend simply tells one when the topic they have brought up is inappropriate. Quietly and politely. If the members of the group can learn to do this, everyone will get along much better.
Many times people assume someone who interrupts or speaks innappropriately is doing so on purpose because they are rude and self-centered and as such deserve to be looked down upon.
Their concerns are valid; your friend is hurting people's feelings. Only, she doesn't realize it and she means no harm. That is the major point they need to realize. She does not know what she is doing is wrong, but the difference is, when they speak mean about her behind her back, they know exactly what they are doing... they just feel justified about it. Acknowledge their concerns, but then offer a different and more direct solution to it than gossip.
To expect sensitive people to just 'let it go' and accept her behavior when they are being hurt is almost too much... however you can also work WITH her by gently expressing yourselves when she does 'goof up'.
The biggest thing that has helped me to figure out how to interact was kind loving friends who said, "You know, when you interrupt like that and talk over me, it really hurts my feelings and makes me think you don't care about me." - My response (and I'm guessing most aspie responses) is, after a bit of processing that takes anywhere from a few seconds to a few days, is to come back and say 'oh, I didn't mean to do that - I do care... I'm sorry'. Contrary to some statements out there, Aspies DO have empathy. It just isn't always evident right away what others are feeling or how we should respond.
She may not respond right away to the correction, but it will help her in the long run if she can have a few words either in the moment, or on the side from you later as to what happened. Chances are she KNOWS about the talking, and that she's goofing up- she just doesn't know what to do about it.
One word of caution, try your very best to do this in a way that she will know you also accept her AS IS. She might not be at a place in her life where she can change right away. And if she feels she must change and behave as you want her to in order to be accepted, chances are she'll shut down. At least that's what I do...
I applaud your willingness to stick up for her and risk them turning on you. It is a possibility, but the chance that they will open up and respond to her differently is worth that risk. I could have used more friends like you when I was growing up.
Additional Note: Many people will turn on you if they feel you don't understand their pain or if you are looking down on them or accusing them. Even if they don't agree with you or want to accept this girl as she is, you'll go a lot further with them if you can not hurt them in this process... again, make sure they know you accept them 'as is' too. It will say a world about your character if you are understanding of all sides and are choosing to behave in the best interests of everyone. They may not be able to change right away either, but your saying something may go with them and help them in the future to understand people that are different.
I always have trouble interupting people because I never understand when is a good time for me to speak. Often I want to join the conversation and people seem to ignore me so I end up just not talking and feeling frustrated. Once in a while, you might ask her what she thinks about a topic during the conversation. If she says something offensive just tell her that it is in just a neutral way. "It is rude to ask someone why they have no children" or "that question embarrasses me."
Someone at work told people that I have a disability and being mean to me would be like making fun of someone in a wheel chair. I do not like the disability label but it helps some people understand that I am not trying to be a jerk and I do not try to annoy people on purpose.
I have interuppted lots of people last year and asked them many stupid questions. I was all alone 90% of the free time at school, and was embarassed to look like I have no friends. So I often tried joining groups so people don't see me standing alone. Many people accused me of stalking them, and the worst was when I followed behind a couple boys during lap time (PE). I stopped when they stopped to say hi to their other friends. I wasn't exactly a friend of theirs, but I bugged them a lot and now I'm ashamed of what I did to everyone. Now, with a little help from these two guys, i realize that all I am doing is embarassing myself even more than I would have hanging out alone. I know some people who hang out alone a lot and there's nothing wrong with it. All it means is that we're shy. Plus I do have friends. I just don't hang out with them 24/7 like all those morons out there who have nothing better to do.
aspie44.8 One of the most horrifying experiences in my jr. high days was when the person I thought was my best friend told me that I follow people around like a puppy dog. I was so confused, I thought friends hung out with each other and didn't understand why they didn't want me around. It really hurt and I spent the next 2 years terrified to go into the lunchroom where I would end up sitting by myself.
It wasn't until high school when a sweet girl a year older than me took me under her wing and I had someone to be with who would be nice to me. After that a few of (not all of ) her friends started to give me a chance too. It is terrible that in order for some people to like you, you have to have at least one person who already likes you and sticks up for you. Otherwise they are like wild animals picking on the runt.
This is why I find it so encouraging that ~M~ wants to help this girl.
The next time she isn't there and people talk behind her back, explain a little of what you have learned, so that they can understand some of the things they find difficult to understand about her are the results of her condition. The more they understand that, the more they will be able to accept it, and maybe learn to gently guide her. A true friend simply tells one when the topic they have brought up is inappropriate. Quietly and politely. If the members of the group can learn to do this, everyone will get along much better.
My thoughts exactly.