12-15-2006, 11:01 AM
Hi
Well, it's a long post. For the moment I don't seek a formal diagnosis, but I don't want to fall in the trap of hypochondria. From what I can judge there is nothing outstanding, just some slight differences, nothing exagerated.
My family history is not a particularly happy one (my father was schizophrenic), so for one reason or the other I had less opportunities at socializing as a child since my home was forbidden to outsiders, and also I didn't attend kindergarten regularly because of frequent illnesses. That is, even if I really had istinctive social skills I wouldn't be able to exercise them a lot, nor I know if I have enough acceptable anecdotal evidence. Three years ago (I am 26) I rent a flat, so I got flatmates. It was my first experience living with people I didn't know before. I think I've noticed before how people were kinda different, but I didn't give it much thought. Also, since two years ago my asthma has become more frequent, so I kind of feel there was something negative increasing.
When I was in junior school a teacher actually warned my mother I could become autistic. It was the first time I heard the word, and I was frightened after I read what autism was about, but it was a stereotyped version of autism and I didn't think it could possibly be me (not to say that autism shows sign at early age). Another teacher instead mentioned in my presence support class for gifted children that would otherwise waste their talents; I consider myself discretly intelligent, although I am by no way a genius (nor I am a quick thinker). Beside that, a third teacher made me consider the fact that I expressed limited interests in what I wish I could become when grown up; in fact I never had a particular dream.
The event that changed my worldview happened the last year, at the age of 25. I was walking on my way home while imagining in my mind a scene I would like to see in an anime (Japanese Cartoons). Images were more vivid than ever, there was music and all. Suddenly I discovered myself clapping hands together, and not in response to the music in my head. I never did it before, and luckily I never did it again.
Obviously it was not a good thing to do in front of other people. I usually play a lot with my fingers: I like to make the first interphalangeal joints snap, I push index and middle fingers toward the thumb, ring and little fingers the other way, first left hand than right hand. I don't think I do it because I am nervous, at some point I just feel the fingers need it. Also I bite around the root of my nails, I started as a child after a dog bit my thumb. I scratch skin flakes. I am itchy more than other people. And yet, I reckon clapping hand was too much, I had to draw a line.
There were also some puzzling issues with my flatmates. Well, now I think of it as kind of funny when I asked a flatmate "What the heck does "How's it going?" mean?!?". I was pissed because he kept asking that question to me every day. I learnt to just answer "fine", although the conversation often ended here. Also this guy in a summer day once asked me if I was feeling hot. I answered "I don't know" because I wasn't sweating and yet I wouldn't have described it as cold. I lacked terms of comparison to define "hot". I was also puzzled about the reason of such inane question; I felt like he was either wanting to reckon that it was normal feeling hot or he'd liked been peer-pressured into feeling a bit less hot.
I also found out that he was less curious than me. Once I delved a controversial argument. I was excited by what I discovered, so I managed to mention it really offhandly in another statement. I thought he would have been like "oh, really?" or "what makes you say that?". He got angry because of the controversy. Even if I wrongly supposed contradicting old notions was to be found interesting, I at least hoped he took it more stoically. I wished a proper debate with confrontation of evidence started, I prepared myself delving deeper into details, but nothing came off out of it. He never asked me anything anymore. The argument was closed for him. I was made some nasty remarks initially, but that was all, he chose to forget everything.
(by the way, he had a very good sense of smell, although no sign of spectrum characteristics)
Well, I repaid him talking about Taoism, a passion of mine. Actually, it is more about the mystical system of five elements and Yin and Yang than proper Taoism itself. Anyway, the Taoistic system is great in that allows you to give symbolic meaning to things, it is kind of one of those non-falsifiable system, from wich sprang other systems like the Chinese zodiac signs. It can be applied to all, and indeed doing it is a good mental exercise (by the way, I consider kinda rude assuming automatically one must believe what he talks or thinks about. I don't believe horoscope, but zodiacs are interesting models of personality sets. Trying to see if a person fits his zodiacal sign help me focus on his traits). I achieved two things: first I talked about something I liked to talk (to date, I've still have to find someone who is interested by Taoism, so I have to do it by force. I do have unusual interests); second a subtle mocking, in that I think he considered these things irrational, yet I didn't find him that rational too; I talked about things that he didn't want to understand instead of things he thought he understood but failed. After him I started to screen people, but I reckon I didn't find anyone like me.
I think I was kind of lucky I happened to talk to boys. I considered girls being even worst than others on certain mental aspect. Or at least boys are taught to feign interest, somehow girls have something that tells me they are annoyed, although it must be noticed that boys and girls talk about different things, so I found it natural that what I talk about appeals more to guys. Also I heard when I was a child that European hold lot less eye-contact than American (I am Italian), so I thought it was natural not looking too much others'eyes, too. Sometimes I tried the trick of looking between nose and mouth (a hint for shy people), but ultimately I never find out on my own what eye-contact was useful for (well, males have a single-task brain, so they listen to what they look, and that's why teachers order boys, but not girls, to look at them. This is why a male not making eye-contact is weird).
I tried to talk to another flatmate, friend ot the other guy. It was the first time we talked. I choose as subject something he wasn't likely to know (related to an article of a newspaper on the table in that moment), I thought that sharing knowledge was the best thing to do. After a while he asked me if I thought being misunderstood (he actually pretended a reply), and he said I was arrogant (later I read this thing seems to happen because I chose what to talk about). Over time I managed to be kinda appreciated for my knowledge, though.
At university I kinda made some friends, but they were in a bigger group, and after a while I was thrown out. They just didn't want me near them (I had trouble inserting in a conversation, so I often just loomed around). A girl in particular said she didn't like something of my sight, he was afraid of me. Now they are not hostile to me anymore, but I still find them unsuitable as bosom friends.
Sometimes I have been reproached because of my manners, even as a child. I didn't give it that much importance until now. There were instances where someone called my mother on the phone and left a date, and I thought my memory would have being enough but then I forgot it until days later.
There was only one istance where I seriously mistook others' face expression, when I was bullied at junior school. It was a couple of brother, one of whom grew up faster. They told me I had to do a fist fight with another boy. I went. The other boy did what I reckon to be a friendly smile, yet I was afraid I was going to be hit, so I thought he was challenging me and hit him as hard as I could. In front of the headmaster I discovered I and the other boy were supposed to fake a fist fight. I was deceived, but I don't know if other boys wouldn't have been too. Lot of boys are bullied though, so I don't consider it a real qualifier. In other times of pression I just wept in front of others. I've seldom been angry in mw whole life, mostly just annoyed.
Now I took some vitamin supplements, but before that, around the time my asthma got worse, my briefs were irritating my thighs. I was hinted having a dietary problem when I noticed I indeed ate a lot of bread (I read about the glutein/casein thing, although I don't think I can follow that diet). I also kept washing my hands after touching something for too long. Once I even washed my hands again because I felt my palms moist in a sticky way. I have asthma (both work asthma and allergic) and allergies, and falling asleep is difficult (maybe because I regard pre-sleep time as free thinking time?). I have an inferior sense of smell (I ask my mother whether clothes smell), although I can smell some odor like cigarettes (I hate them), yet my nose is full of solified mucus most of the time and I also broke and bent it as a child.
I have worked in some manual jobs. The field I liked the most was metalworking. I put the piece in a press, pushed the buttons, took the piece away, and repeat. My hands don't really like when metal swarf comes inside the gloves, but beside this it left me plenty of time to think other things (like witty replies for Internet debates). I didn't like switching jobs, I mean changing what I was doing inside the factory; I was happy if I was going to do something all day and I knew I was going to do it the next day too. When bosses told me the job was varied I secretly thought they were cheating me into thinking it was better that way.
My usual (resting) face is kinda glum although I can smile everytime I want. Still, I've noted I laugh less than others while watching lame TV shows. I even despise being near a group of people laughing together. I understand humour but I don't tease (I shake hands but I don't touch people), I don't use much sarcasm, I suck at roleplaying and pretending. I do jokes but mostly word plays or contrast (though now I've been reading comedy principles, so I'll try some other stuff). No sexual jokes either (I have friends who do a lot of them), but I kind of feel I had to establish the fact I use bad words first, so with some people I used them and afterwards felt entitled keep using them (but now I fear I could keep using them too much). In one of the jobs I did I feel I had to try giving up shyness, so I start talking with a middle-age mother (my co-worker) about animal particularities, like koalas having two thumbs and well, I also talked a lot about animals' genitals and their kind of mating and such. I dunno if I really knew what I was doing
After a while though a woman who I've never spoken to before told me to stop talking about these things, so those funny facts actually spread
I've studied in two universities in different cities, but I realized I wasn't keen on exploration. I knew where the university was, the train station, comics shops and supermarkets, but aside from this nothing else interested me. In part it was because I don't socialize, maybe; I don't go to bar because I don't like alcohol and smoke; so I didn't really have a point in exploring a city, aside when I feel like walking. When I'm home I mostly sit in my room playing repetitive games while I should study. I was getting pretty anxious about this. Many years ago I enjoyed debating on internet, but now I feel I am wasting my time while I should doing something profitable, and also I am anxious about not finding a good witty reply to all the points, so I start a discussion but end up not following it.
I don't vary my dress. At home I always wear the same things. Years ago I noticed I wore summers and winter clothes a bit longer even when the temperature started changing. I look younger than my age, which should mean I have lower testosterone levels. I have a bad calligraphy, but I noticed I also often spell words incorrectly, and mid-writing a word I have to correct it; it's like thinking to write two things at the same time (dysgraphia?).
I had some trouble concentrating later: I start reading a webpage and halfway I switch to another thing. I've never had real routines. I never order my room (since nobody was supposed to came in I had no reason to do it), but I noticed I like to close things, like doors, windows, drawers, bottles, lights. There are perfectly logical reason for this, of course: an open bottle can be tipped and spill; when I watch TV an open door may bring noise; when I have an allergy a close window protects me from pollen; a light turned on when a room is empty wastes energy. Closing a drawer left open in the house of a friend shows there is something more, though. I also like to have a blanket over me when I sleep.
Overall nothing seemed exagerated until I clapped hands, and somehow it may be coincidences:
-A poor parenting environment where I couldn't learn social skills
-asthma ruled out athletic activities and forced me to intellectualism with its issues
-asthma is usually related to disorder like insomnia
-poor smell sense may be related to asthma or asthma drugs
-likely dietary disorder which may have caused some other health disease until the clapping
-habit of snapping fingers may be a forgivable idiosyncrasy
It's just that when I put it all together I start to see a pattern. Yet I don't have real compulsions, and I think some bad traits may be simply psychological and somehow I may overcome them. It may be more of a PDD-NOS or ADHD than AS, but obviously these labels are just constructs and the diagnosis is kinda arbitrary. Anyway, it's not like the world ends.
MM
Well, it's a long post. For the moment I don't seek a formal diagnosis, but I don't want to fall in the trap of hypochondria. From what I can judge there is nothing outstanding, just some slight differences, nothing exagerated.
My family history is not a particularly happy one (my father was schizophrenic), so for one reason or the other I had less opportunities at socializing as a child since my home was forbidden to outsiders, and also I didn't attend kindergarten regularly because of frequent illnesses. That is, even if I really had istinctive social skills I wouldn't be able to exercise them a lot, nor I know if I have enough acceptable anecdotal evidence. Three years ago (I am 26) I rent a flat, so I got flatmates. It was my first experience living with people I didn't know before. I think I've noticed before how people were kinda different, but I didn't give it much thought. Also, since two years ago my asthma has become more frequent, so I kind of feel there was something negative increasing.
When I was in junior school a teacher actually warned my mother I could become autistic. It was the first time I heard the word, and I was frightened after I read what autism was about, but it was a stereotyped version of autism and I didn't think it could possibly be me (not to say that autism shows sign at early age). Another teacher instead mentioned in my presence support class for gifted children that would otherwise waste their talents; I consider myself discretly intelligent, although I am by no way a genius (nor I am a quick thinker). Beside that, a third teacher made me consider the fact that I expressed limited interests in what I wish I could become when grown up; in fact I never had a particular dream.
The event that changed my worldview happened the last year, at the age of 25. I was walking on my way home while imagining in my mind a scene I would like to see in an anime (Japanese Cartoons). Images were more vivid than ever, there was music and all. Suddenly I discovered myself clapping hands together, and not in response to the music in my head. I never did it before, and luckily I never did it again.
Obviously it was not a good thing to do in front of other people. I usually play a lot with my fingers: I like to make the first interphalangeal joints snap, I push index and middle fingers toward the thumb, ring and little fingers the other way, first left hand than right hand. I don't think I do it because I am nervous, at some point I just feel the fingers need it. Also I bite around the root of my nails, I started as a child after a dog bit my thumb. I scratch skin flakes. I am itchy more than other people. And yet, I reckon clapping hand was too much, I had to draw a line.
There were also some puzzling issues with my flatmates. Well, now I think of it as kind of funny when I asked a flatmate "What the heck does "How's it going?" mean?!?". I was pissed because he kept asking that question to me every day. I learnt to just answer "fine", although the conversation often ended here. Also this guy in a summer day once asked me if I was feeling hot. I answered "I don't know" because I wasn't sweating and yet I wouldn't have described it as cold. I lacked terms of comparison to define "hot". I was also puzzled about the reason of such inane question; I felt like he was either wanting to reckon that it was normal feeling hot or he'd liked been peer-pressured into feeling a bit less hot.
I also found out that he was less curious than me. Once I delved a controversial argument. I was excited by what I discovered, so I managed to mention it really offhandly in another statement. I thought he would have been like "oh, really?" or "what makes you say that?". He got angry because of the controversy. Even if I wrongly supposed contradicting old notions was to be found interesting, I at least hoped he took it more stoically. I wished a proper debate with confrontation of evidence started, I prepared myself delving deeper into details, but nothing came off out of it. He never asked me anything anymore. The argument was closed for him. I was made some nasty remarks initially, but that was all, he chose to forget everything.
(by the way, he had a very good sense of smell, although no sign of spectrum characteristics)
Well, I repaid him talking about Taoism, a passion of mine. Actually, it is more about the mystical system of five elements and Yin and Yang than proper Taoism itself. Anyway, the Taoistic system is great in that allows you to give symbolic meaning to things, it is kind of one of those non-falsifiable system, from wich sprang other systems like the Chinese zodiac signs. It can be applied to all, and indeed doing it is a good mental exercise (by the way, I consider kinda rude assuming automatically one must believe what he talks or thinks about. I don't believe horoscope, but zodiacs are interesting models of personality sets. Trying to see if a person fits his zodiacal sign help me focus on his traits). I achieved two things: first I talked about something I liked to talk (to date, I've still have to find someone who is interested by Taoism, so I have to do it by force. I do have unusual interests); second a subtle mocking, in that I think he considered these things irrational, yet I didn't find him that rational too; I talked about things that he didn't want to understand instead of things he thought he understood but failed. After him I started to screen people, but I reckon I didn't find anyone like me.
I think I was kind of lucky I happened to talk to boys. I considered girls being even worst than others on certain mental aspect. Or at least boys are taught to feign interest, somehow girls have something that tells me they are annoyed, although it must be noticed that boys and girls talk about different things, so I found it natural that what I talk about appeals more to guys. Also I heard when I was a child that European hold lot less eye-contact than American (I am Italian), so I thought it was natural not looking too much others'eyes, too. Sometimes I tried the trick of looking between nose and mouth (a hint for shy people), but ultimately I never find out on my own what eye-contact was useful for (well, males have a single-task brain, so they listen to what they look, and that's why teachers order boys, but not girls, to look at them. This is why a male not making eye-contact is weird).
I tried to talk to another flatmate, friend ot the other guy. It was the first time we talked. I choose as subject something he wasn't likely to know (related to an article of a newspaper on the table in that moment), I thought that sharing knowledge was the best thing to do. After a while he asked me if I thought being misunderstood (he actually pretended a reply), and he said I was arrogant (later I read this thing seems to happen because I chose what to talk about). Over time I managed to be kinda appreciated for my knowledge, though.
At university I kinda made some friends, but they were in a bigger group, and after a while I was thrown out. They just didn't want me near them (I had trouble inserting in a conversation, so I often just loomed around). A girl in particular said she didn't like something of my sight, he was afraid of me. Now they are not hostile to me anymore, but I still find them unsuitable as bosom friends.
Sometimes I have been reproached because of my manners, even as a child. I didn't give it that much importance until now. There were instances where someone called my mother on the phone and left a date, and I thought my memory would have being enough but then I forgot it until days later.
There was only one istance where I seriously mistook others' face expression, when I was bullied at junior school. It was a couple of brother, one of whom grew up faster. They told me I had to do a fist fight with another boy. I went. The other boy did what I reckon to be a friendly smile, yet I was afraid I was going to be hit, so I thought he was challenging me and hit him as hard as I could. In front of the headmaster I discovered I and the other boy were supposed to fake a fist fight. I was deceived, but I don't know if other boys wouldn't have been too. Lot of boys are bullied though, so I don't consider it a real qualifier. In other times of pression I just wept in front of others. I've seldom been angry in mw whole life, mostly just annoyed.
Now I took some vitamin supplements, but before that, around the time my asthma got worse, my briefs were irritating my thighs. I was hinted having a dietary problem when I noticed I indeed ate a lot of bread (I read about the glutein/casein thing, although I don't think I can follow that diet). I also kept washing my hands after touching something for too long. Once I even washed my hands again because I felt my palms moist in a sticky way. I have asthma (both work asthma and allergic) and allergies, and falling asleep is difficult (maybe because I regard pre-sleep time as free thinking time?). I have an inferior sense of smell (I ask my mother whether clothes smell), although I can smell some odor like cigarettes (I hate them), yet my nose is full of solified mucus most of the time and I also broke and bent it as a child.
I have worked in some manual jobs. The field I liked the most was metalworking. I put the piece in a press, pushed the buttons, took the piece away, and repeat. My hands don't really like when metal swarf comes inside the gloves, but beside this it left me plenty of time to think other things (like witty replies for Internet debates). I didn't like switching jobs, I mean changing what I was doing inside the factory; I was happy if I was going to do something all day and I knew I was going to do it the next day too. When bosses told me the job was varied I secretly thought they were cheating me into thinking it was better that way.
My usual (resting) face is kinda glum although I can smile everytime I want. Still, I've noted I laugh less than others while watching lame TV shows. I even despise being near a group of people laughing together. I understand humour but I don't tease (I shake hands but I don't touch people), I don't use much sarcasm, I suck at roleplaying and pretending. I do jokes but mostly word plays or contrast (though now I've been reading comedy principles, so I'll try some other stuff). No sexual jokes either (I have friends who do a lot of them), but I kind of feel I had to establish the fact I use bad words first, so with some people I used them and afterwards felt entitled keep using them (but now I fear I could keep using them too much). In one of the jobs I did I feel I had to try giving up shyness, so I start talking with a middle-age mother (my co-worker) about animal particularities, like koalas having two thumbs and well, I also talked a lot about animals' genitals and their kind of mating and such. I dunno if I really knew what I was doing
After a while though a woman who I've never spoken to before told me to stop talking about these things, so those funny facts actually spread I've studied in two universities in different cities, but I realized I wasn't keen on exploration. I knew where the university was, the train station, comics shops and supermarkets, but aside from this nothing else interested me. In part it was because I don't socialize, maybe; I don't go to bar because I don't like alcohol and smoke; so I didn't really have a point in exploring a city, aside when I feel like walking. When I'm home I mostly sit in my room playing repetitive games while I should study. I was getting pretty anxious about this. Many years ago I enjoyed debating on internet, but now I feel I am wasting my time while I should doing something profitable, and also I am anxious about not finding a good witty reply to all the points, so I start a discussion but end up not following it.
I don't vary my dress. At home I always wear the same things. Years ago I noticed I wore summers and winter clothes a bit longer even when the temperature started changing. I look younger than my age, which should mean I have lower testosterone levels. I have a bad calligraphy, but I noticed I also often spell words incorrectly, and mid-writing a word I have to correct it; it's like thinking to write two things at the same time (dysgraphia?).
I had some trouble concentrating later: I start reading a webpage and halfway I switch to another thing. I've never had real routines. I never order my room (since nobody was supposed to came in I had no reason to do it), but I noticed I like to close things, like doors, windows, drawers, bottles, lights. There are perfectly logical reason for this, of course: an open bottle can be tipped and spill; when I watch TV an open door may bring noise; when I have an allergy a close window protects me from pollen; a light turned on when a room is empty wastes energy. Closing a drawer left open in the house of a friend shows there is something more, though. I also like to have a blanket over me when I sleep.
Overall nothing seemed exagerated until I clapped hands, and somehow it may be coincidences:
-A poor parenting environment where I couldn't learn social skills
-asthma ruled out athletic activities and forced me to intellectualism with its issues
-asthma is usually related to disorder like insomnia
-poor smell sense may be related to asthma or asthma drugs
-likely dietary disorder which may have caused some other health disease until the clapping
-habit of snapping fingers may be a forgivable idiosyncrasy
It's just that when I put it all together I start to see a pattern. Yet I don't have real compulsions, and I think some bad traits may be simply psychological and somehow I may overcome them. It may be more of a PDD-NOS or ADHD than AS, but obviously these labels are just constructs and the diagnosis is kinda arbitrary. Anyway, it's not like the world ends.
MM