What do you do about NT's who just won't listen to what you say and read into everything their own meaning? I think I've lost a friend because he kept misunderstanding me and taking everything wrong.
I really care about this person to the point of aching at losing him, but at this point, I feel if I dare sent one more email to clarify it'll just make things so much worse - and I can't BEAR not getting a response again.
I used to chase people down and try to force them to understand me, which never worked so now I just say my peace and try to back off, to the point of being afraid to say anything at all... especially when it seems pointless.
Anyone else have any support or words of wisdom? Not about this specific case, because I'm not free to give details, but in general... do you find yourself being taken wrong and feel powerless to make yourself clear?
Sometimes it feels like they are PURPOSEFULLY not understanding me and putting words in my mouth, just so they can make me wrong and they can feel right. But that seems kind of paranoid.
"Sometimes it feels like they are PURPOSEFULLY not understanding me and putting words in my mouth, just so they can make me wrong and they can feel right."
There are people who have a sick need to do exactly this. Some of them are known as borderline personalities. They are not worth knowing.
I feel that is true in some situations, but with other people who I have gotten along with in the past, I just don't understand what happened to make the change... or how to change it back.
It's almost as if you cross a line and they can never look at you the same again. Maybe I should just cut my losses, even though I really want to 'fix it'.
And after thinking about people I've had problems with in this area in the past, I'm not sure all of them are NT - so maybe this is in the wrong place? Maybe there's something else going on.
I used to chase people down and try to force them to understand me, which never worked so now I just say my peace and try to back off, to the point of being afraid to say anything at all... especially when it seems pointless.
I can relate to this as I have this problem as well. I learned a few years ago to just let them go. It seemed that the more I tried to explain, the more they disliked me. I decided to save face and just let them go. Now I've reached a point where I just don't let people get too close to me personally. I keep them at a distance. I do have friends that I will have lunch with about once per month just to continue my social skills but I find it much easier to have no close friends. In my profession, I have a social skill set for working with the public and I find that many clients want to continue on as a friendship. They want to continue to learn from me. I haven't quite found a way to turn that into another aspect of my profession, but I am getting closer to it. My advice to you is to try to maintain a handful of friends, and be extremely selective of who you let in to that close circle. I wish I had figured that out years ago.
The trouble is that most people are insecure in some way, and it is their insecurity that forces them to read negative implications into things that weren't meant that way. So many people are taught to beware, don't be made a fool of, and so on. They end up way over-reading as a result.
You can't really change it. You do your best to be clear and concise, and then leave it. Overexplaining just adds more sentences which can be missread and missinterpreted. Plus, it seems pushy when someone goes on and on. Simple, short, and clear statements are best, and the least likely to be taken wrong.
As people get older, they learn to let go. They stop reading so much into every little thing. Most people, anyway. Look for more mature friends with more self confidence.
If someone thinks I've slighted them, I would rather they just tell me, instead of stewing about it. Then I can apologize for giving the wrong impression. Note that I do apologize, rather than clarify why they got it wrong, because we are dealing with hurt feelings, and an apology is what they are looking for.
Too often people are so determined to not be wrong, that they can't apologize for saying or doing something that was open to misinterpretation. It's such a simple apology to make, and it really does fix things. Who ever knows who was right and who was wrong? Long run, it doesn't matter. What matters is moving beyond it.
I realize I've rambled a bit, but hopefully you will find something useful in it.
I often decide to stop talking to people at all for long periods of time because of this.
This might be a bit off-topic but I often have difficulties speaking clearly. Before I had a very clear voice, but after I aged about 14 my voice began to become quite "blurry" (don't know if thats the right word). So people often misunderstand me, and shows of how paranoid they are. I try to clearify once, and if they don't understand after that I'll just ignore them.
Yeah, I've had that happen and it's not fun.
This might be a bit off-topic but I often have difficulties speaking clearly. Before I had a very clear voice, but after I aged about 14 my voice began to become quite "blurry" (don't know if thats the right word). So people often misunderstand me, and shows of how paranoid they are. I try to clearify once, and if they don't understand after that I'll just ignore them.
I get what you mean by that, so many people say to me pardon or ask me to repeat what i say, I do speak quietly and not very clearly on a regular basis.
I used to be considered a quiet speaker until I started working with a man in 2001 who had a very loud and commanding voice ( I used to call him the ring master ( like in a circus )). I learn't myself how to talk that way and just be a little bit louder than everyone else. It was hard at first as I am a shy person. These days I talk like that all the time when I'm at work or socialising. I can sound a bit pompous at times ( as he did ) but it does work. Being quite tall also helps in getting listened too.
Yes, maybe that is why women are often not listened to as much as they generally tend to have softer voices and be shorter than men. Of course, there are exceptions as some women can be quite tall and/or have deep or loud voices and some men are short and/or have soft voices.
I speak very quietly, i'm not sure why that is though.
It's very common for people with Aspergers and HFA to speak softly. I don't know why exactly, but of the people I know with these conditions, nearly all speak softly.
That would explain why I do it then
I'm usually quiet but really hate being "shushed" and it one sure way to get me in a bad mood very fast. I'm not entirely sure why but maybe it is in part because it interrupts the train of thought and then I can't get back on track later on due to short-term retrieval issues.
Unfortunately with "misunderstandings", my reaction is "fight or flight" too (usually flight) - I might hang up or say someone is at the door or the cats are fighting or ... whatever. It gets too overwhelming emotionally to stay with the situation, even if it is frustrating for the other person.