Aspies For Freedom

Honestly, there are codependant people who seek out Auties/Aspies to try and harness for mind games-- they want you to chase them after they have a blow up and blame yourself when they cry. It's like a dance for them and hell for us. I've been through several "friendships" that turned out to be stuff like that. An autistic is a perfect target because we are already at a social disadvantage of having to watch our behaviors to fit in with the NTs and are often self-conscious.

I remember I guy who did that to me all throughout elementary school... ruined a large portion of my life he did... Although at that age I guess he didn't know better... and thus I will not name him...

I find ppl also never seem to understand what I am saying either.  They always take it the complete incorrect way to what i said it... and then when they do understand... (I swear everyone does this exact same thing to me when this happens) they say: "What do u mean?" and if i just dont say anything a second later they say "Oh ya, I know what you mean" and start chatting bout what i talked about... that fustrates me to no-end!

So many NTs automatically read their own meanings into what you say and do, without ever stopping to consider it may mean something totally different...
And they say WE'RE the ones unable to empathize with others' points of view....
Oh, the irony.

My voice isnt blurry so much but i talk abit to fast & people dont catch everything I said so I have to make myself slow down, that started happening when I was around 14, but about 2 years ago when I start talking about things I'm really into I get to like "Hyper" speed & even I stop understanding what I'm saying lol. That doesnt happen very often only when its a topic im REALLY into which dont happen very often cos none of my family & most of my friends aren't into Anime.

I've had one those relationships too, and it really hurt me in a short time, I was always back peddling and apologizing. I realized that my emotional well being simply wasn't worth it and I moved on. We still converse on occasion, but I usualy just keep it to chit-chat. Since then, I've found a wonderful man that I don't have to explain myself too when I say things. He just gets me. That is priceless.

As a NT who has been a friend (and sort of a mentor) of an autistic since the early summer, here's my advice:

• Make sure that s/he understands you by checking occassionally.  It's easier to correct a misunderstanding earlier on.
  
• Always remember that the other person WANTS to understand you.  I disagree with those who say that some people are trying to twist your words.  It most likely only appears that way because they are frustrated and, to them, it's extremely clear you said something and that you're now contradicting it because you didn't express yourself fully or in a way that they could understand.  Regardless, in the case of friends, this would NEVER be the case.  
  
• Don't just think of it as two people misunderstanding each other or being confused with what the other is saying.  Think of it also in terms of interpretation, For example, when persons A, B, C, D, E, F, G make the statement M, a NT might assign meaning X to the statement M each time.  If G is autistic, then it's possible that s/he meant something different, which we can call Y.  For the NT interpreting M, the correct meaning IS (not just can be) X because that is what it means commonly.  Interpretting a statement cannot be accurately completed by only looking at the dictionary definitions of the words -- there are connotations and socially constructed meaning surrounding words' usage.  Such peripheral meaning may not be apparent to an autistic.  Furthermore, people (at least NTs) do not make distinctions about where the meaning is derived from: They know that when someone says M, they can draw X from that statement.  The denotations and connotations of the statement that help the NT draw the meaning is irrelevant.  When G (the autistic) says M, however, G may not be aware of the connotations of M and therefore might be drawing Y instead of X.  The NT, however, assumes X because they are aware of the connotation surrounding the word.  For both, meaning is prescribed for the word automatically.  It's a matter of interpretation.  
  
• For that reason, it's most useful (for me and my HFA friend) to explain ourselves in a new way -- don't try to clear up the misunderstanding by explaining what you meant, but restate it in a new way.  Use different words, use a different analogy, etc.  
  
• Don't dwell on whose fault it is.  The blame game doesn't have a place in friendships.  The important thing is that you're communicating effectively and at the end of the confusion you both understand one another.  it is not important to establish who was "right" and "wrong."  It is, however, worthwhile to clarify WHAT went wrong.  This will facilitate communication in the future.  For you (the autistic), this will help you know what others mean when they certain things or types of things and areas that you should be cautious about assuming what someone might be trying to express.  For the NT, it will help him or her understand you better in the future, know when s/he should be asking for clarifications and to understand how to adapt his/her own way of communicating so that you can understand him/her.
  
• BE PATIENT.  This applies both to the NT and autistic person.  In my case, successful communication requires A LOT of asking "do you mean...?"
  
• This might be completely specific to my experiences, but in case it's not, I think it's worth sharing:  When my autistic friend or I get frustrated, my autistic friend's flight instinct takes over and he will just sign offline or hang up.   This makes me livid because it's usually after me taking 2 hours of my day to try to understand him just for him to give up on me.   If/when he returns he usually forgets what he was trying to say.  For me,  discussing what I think he is saying and him trying to help me understand is not an argument in the least bit and I'm only upset when he actually leaves.  He's gotten much better at making that adaptation for me.  He was able to do that, in part, by me being careful to make sure he didn't feel like he should be scared/frustrated/panicked/[whatever emotion that would raise one's heart rate...].  I guess the "lesson" here is that it's important to be clear on what makes communication comfortable on both sides.
  
• I find that my friend often does not express what is going on in his head in a way that I can understand it, especially when we are talking in person.  Sometimes it seems like he is arguing in opposition to the conclusion he claims to be supporting.  It might be helpful in these cases of confusion for you to map out your argument and present it to your friend fully so s/he can understand you.  
  

I hope some of that helps.  

As far as the volume issue is concerned, I've had some difficulties with that.  In person, my friend has the opposite "difficulty" of many of you -- he is way too loud in many instances.  He never intends to and claims that it's because he has volume control issues (e.g., he might think he's practically whispering but could be actually talking at a volume appropriate for an in-class presentation).  It makes me nervous (since it can annoy others and is sometimes in violation of the rules, like a dorm's "quiet hours") and him embarassed, since it draws attention to him and because people think he's misbehaving (and he's 18 and looks like he's maybe 12-15, so his seemingly childish behavior does not help)

I can also get quite loud without even knowing it... usually when i get excited or am just really into what Im talking about. My mother is used to it but my sister is always asking me to lower my voice & I'll end up lowering it a bit to much so then she has to ask me to talk louder, it can be confusing & the fact that I dont even realise when Im getting loud doesnt help at all..

In Mindblindness, Simon Baron-Cohen accounts autistics' inappropriate/ineffective volume, tone, pace, etc. when speaking to lack of (or underdeveloped) theory of mind -- that autistics are not considering what  they say in terms of how his/her audience will receive it.  It seemed to be a hypothesis though, since he didn't provide any research as evidence that this explanation was better than anything else.  I think that hypothesis is a good one, but I have to wonder if the differential (and often heightened) senses in autistics isn't also at least part of the story.

I speak softly. I guess it's our auditory sensitivity that does it. We like the world to be quiet and expect others to feel the same way.

Amen! This is all very wise. To anyone struggling with this, listen up.

I went through a terrible falling out with a friend over an ex-girlfriend. All I wanted was some acknowledge that wrong had been done. It never came, so we stopped talking. Years later, this friend made the move to re-establish contact and apologize. Things are wonderful again. I'd long forgiven him, but it was important that he came to it on his own. Sometimes you just have to wait for other people to come around.

Yup.

I call it "pruning".

Sometimes you gotta clear out the dead weight. The rule of thumb is pretty straightforward: Don't hang around people that make you feel bad about yourself.

Wow, SO TRUE. *Be careful* I think ASers may gravitate toward NTs with strong personalities because it's somehow something to be fascinated with. It may be something of a "dream" for an AS to be "accepted" as a friend by a strong NT. It makes an ASer feel "normal". But so often, these "strong" NTs are really actually quite parasitic in their sociability - they won't hesitate (and may even take perverse pleasure) in using others as a means to feel better about themselves. The ASer may not recognize that they are subtlety being abused.

The best example I can think of is Mira Servina's character (the blonde girl) in "American Beauty":

"Jenna, you're not going to leave with this psycho, are you! Why won't you listen to me? I'm your friend!"
"She's not your friend. She's just someone you use to feel better about yourself."
"Yeah, well, at least I'm not ugly."
"Yes, you are. And you're boring. And you know it."

I had a falling out with a friend like this who I finally realized was just using me for my car and (over) patient company on self-indulgent shopping trips. We didn't relate at all, and I only chose to hang out for the company. She'd only do things if it was in her interest (i.e. have to go pick up something, needed a lift somewhere) and would never call/message/contact otherwise. I called her on it and she blew up, attacked me for "expecting" things (like a thank you?). This happened online, and got really messy... I asked her to meet me to talk it out, and she refused. I asked her how she expected to solve our problem if she wouldn't meet to talk about it. She literally said, and I quote, "You could chase me down with a knife."

I'm sure it was a joke. But even "jokes" are telling of certain truths. She didn't want to solve anything - she just wanted me to chase her around for this drama. Bullies and abusers never tolerate their victims to resist or talk back.

I decided then and there I don't need people like this in my life anymore. I sent a final cordial email wishing her the best of luck in life, and dropped contact.

You can't always "fix it".  With my ex I used to think that if I could just make myself understood, that if I could just keep explaining it different ways, that he would see my side and comply with what I wanted.  Turns out it wasn't lack of communication. He just didn't want to.  Guess it was my own ego that had me convinced he would see the light (agree with me) if it was explained properly.

^ Trying to figure out if the other person sincerely doesn't understand and would "get it" if only you went about it a different way, or if they CHOOSE not to try to understand because they get something out of remaining oblivious.....that has to be one of the worst things about social interaction, ever.

I had a couple of bosses who were like silky's ex in this respect.