Aspies For Freedom

I agree, we share between my SPD/HFA daughter and my NT son but there has to be permission from the owner first. I found reverse psychology sometimes works. Ever told your son he CAN play with the toy? Bet he wouldn't want it if you did!

First of all, please don't take this as I am talking to just you, Phil.  My son and I thought of these five things that we wish non-autistic folks would keep in mind when talking with us.  The use of the word "you" is not a personal one.

1.  No Eye Contact with you does not mean I am not listening or that I am being dishonest with you.

2.  When I say something or tell you something, that's exactly what I mean - there is no hidden meaning or agenda inferred - I would like the same from you too, please.  If you want me to do something, just say so.

3.  Just because you have a short attention span when it comes to the details I see and know, it's not my fault.  Please don't act as if I'm taking too long to tell you what you wanted to know. Have a little patience and maybe you'll learn a little something in the process.  If you want a quick answer to something, ask someone else!

4.  You always seem to want things done your way.  When I try something in a different way, please don't think that I'm stubborn or unwilling to work well with others.  Give me time to work out the best way for me to do what you want done.  

5.  You fail to understand that our way of navigating through the world is not a right way or a wrong way, but just a different way from yours.  Please respect my right to be different.

We can think of many other things too but these are the most important to us.

Yeah, this must've branched off somehow... Where is that other thread?

I agree with:
"If you want a quick answer to something, ask someone else!"

I would like to add:
"If you want it done your way, do it yourself."

PhilCommander firstly thanks for posing the question in such a way as not to offend. I read monastic's reply and was thinking "Yeah right on...what next...yeah very good point...what else....yep!", etc
Basically they have nailed some very good policies for dealing/understanding austitic people.
I have mentioned this in another thread but I will mention it here.
My closest friends know about my Autism. I am 36 and high-functioning, which in effect means that I have had 36 years to develop useful strategies to hide or mask my Autism. I also compete in the "Neuro-typical world" quite well. What this means is unlike my childhood, teenage years or even young adult years, I respond better from learnt experience to certain situations better than I used to. I am and will always be Autistic. I make no excuses for it.
1. I am autistic and will always be autistic. There will be times that my behaviour will be not "normal". This will not be through lack of effort on my part - I assure you.
2. I am not looking for sympathy or even empathy of my condition - understanding is nice but tolerance is appreciated.
3. I am not stupid if I don't get an abstract concept. I studied at university level, creative writing - I excelled in the art, but not in the appreciation of the finer concepts of subtlety. I know what sarcasm, irony, analogy, similies and the like are, I just don't get them in practical application.
4. Understand that an awful lot of communication is through either body language, inflection of the voice, recognition of social cues or conventions or visual cues (doubly important for courtship!) - Autistics get barely any of this. I personally get very little of this if any of it.
5. We feel the world differently to non-autistics (very literally). We are more than not hypo or hyposensitive to various stimulous that a non-autistic person is not. Personally tactically I am weak (Hypo sensitive). I require a lot more stimulous to feel the same as what a non-autistic person. Example - pain. I have a high pain threshold. In fact I think to equate hyposensitivity to pain as having a high pain threshold is probably a little incorrect. I do not really register most incidental pain. I do in no way, and have never, viewed this as a positive - macho, blokey, tough thing, but rather as a weakness - in a kind of clumsy, brutish and oafish way. Kind of too stupid to realise that you are bleeding from a wound you ought to have been smart enough to realise you had sustained. (Not fair - its not my fault I know - but grow up in ridicule and the self-talk...)
6. OK you said 5 but this is important. No two autistic people are alike.
you have:
1 - different clusters of different traits (and some of these traits may even be hypo- or hyper- <as above>
2 - different levels of intelligence, from mental retardation to genius
3 - Different forms of autism
4 - Different levels of functioning (eg. high or low)
5 - You can also be severally autistic, moderately autistic or midly autistic
6 - Autistics quite often have co-morbids (Dyslexia, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety Disorder or other disorders)
7 - Different life experiences and Cultures.

Hope this helps!

Absolutely Packrat! How often have have you started explaining and well meaning folk say something stupid like "Yeah Autistic people are just like Rainman" or "Yeah Autistic people are not really good at most stuff but they are geniuses in one particular area. Not sure what you call it?"
"Savant abilities?" you suggest
"Yeah they are Savant!"
"Oh God" you exclaim weakly before changing the subject completely.
Well I get this all the time.

I think I am the opposite of a "savant" in that I have good skills in a number of areas but rather abysmal ones in others, such as time management. Because I don't act like rainman, they don't believe there is anything wrong with me and hence have unrealistic expectations about what I can cope with.

Please don't tell me I am not really autistic. Don't tell me I don't have AS. I know myself better than you know me. I know much more about AS than you do. You go ahead and be the expert on everything else, okay? You cannot call yourself my friend and call me a liar or think I'm too confused to know who I am. Nothing makes me feel more alone than this.

Oh don't be afraid in being forward about things. I have as much sublety as a sledgehammer and prefer this from people I interact. Just say what you mean, don't infer.

If I don't smile a lot, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means I don't smile a lot.

1.Scratching your head, sighing, batting your eyes, grinning, tapping your feet, rapping your fingers--that may work for everyone else, not so much for me. Sure I understand them on an intellectual level, but not in real time. If you want to get something across, SAY it.

2. Those annoying habits of mine? Tell me what they are and I'll see what I can do. 'Cause no amount of body language (see item 1) will get me to stop. Please. Tell me. I have thicker skin than you think.

3. I have a kick-*** sense of humor. After all, life is.....pretty hilarious when you think about it.

4. If I seem lost in thought, or distant....I am. I'm probably thinking about something far more interesting, to me anyway. Try again later.

5. Asperger's disorder still isn't terribly well understood. Until it is, neither you, nor I have any business making hasty generalizations about its etiology.

Drum roll please!

1.  How I feel.
2.  What I know.
3.  Why I act the way I do.
4.  Why I am the way I am.
5.  How hard it is for me to comprehend things.

Well said gaurdian - just because I don't show affection as much as Gemma does does not mean I am not an affectionate person, I just don't see the need for reassuring things ie holding hands, hugging etc, sometimes it's nice but not all the time.

Hmm. Some people might laugh depending on how you sound when you say it. However, mimicking someone's voice sure is a rude thing to do.

In the programming world, Edsger Dijkstra once said:

Program testing can be used to show the presence of bugs, but never to show their absence!

I say this applies to autism as well.  

Testing can be used to show the presence of autism, but never to show its absence.

There are some that do not have behaviours that are unacceptable to society.  Some may also know how to cover them up.  Some may know through experience how to detect sarcasm, joking and other nuances.  There are people you interact with that you will never know they are autistic.  It stands to reason that since autism is on a spectrum, that there are some that have more behaviours, some with little and some with none that are recognisable (and hence don't or do not want the diagnosis), but these last ones are definitely not NT.  And yes, some do not know they are autistic even if they show some classic behaviours.  Some also learn to know what behaviours are expected by NT's.

So even if autistics learn to act 'normal', they are still autistic (and still acting).  I'm the best damn actor the world has ever seen.