I've always percieved sustained eye-contact to be very aggressive. Because I can rarely maintain it with those outside my narrow circle of comfort, I'm often accused of "ignoring" people or being "cold" (same old song and dance there). If I try to maintain contact I have to really focus on it and I often come off as being strange because I glance around while trying to get my eyes to settle down-- or I squint. I've also noticed that if I make forced contact I lose control of my facial expressions and they sometimes do not synch with what's going on-- this includes laughing. I think the laughing is my body's way of trying to let the stress out rather than thinking anything funny.
According to this site on eye contact:
http://members.aol.com/nonverbal3/eyecon.htm Eye contact causes strong emotions in EVERYONE. So it makes sense to me that NT's might just be good at naturally shutting down those emotions, or putting up with them in a culture where it is expected to make eye contact because they value social interaction more, or are just wired to be more social.
Maybe Aspies have the same emotional experience, or something more intense and also have more difficulty placing this social expectation above the personal emotional experience. But I don't think that means Aspies aren't able to decide to do it, it just doesn't feel right. Those emotions are there for a reason and why should we ignore them?
I learned about eye contact in college, I didn't know it was important... but my parents said they didn't notice anything different about my eye contact, it was an aquaintence who pointed it out. Once I started doing it intentionally I had a lot easier time making friends.
The thing about eye contact and animals and dominence fascinates me. It is a sign of dominence in animals to stare someone down, and looking away indicates submissiveness. Animals don't have words, they use non verbal cues including eye contact to communicate their 'position' as well as if they trust each other or not. I think humans lose a lot of this 'natural' communication process because we are SO social now that a lot of instinct is ignored in order to fit in.
In the book, "The Secret Language of Dolphins", Patricia St. John was able to communicate with severely autistic children by taking a submissive position (sitting on the floor while they were in chairs or sitting just down a bit from them) and she did not look directly at them, but looked in their direction until THEY initiated the eye contact. Then she would look in their eyes and maintain the eye contact. After that they often would stop some of the repetitive non-communicative behavior in order to interact with her, let her touch them, hold them and some would even interact with her in a way that showed her they understood what she was trying to communicate.
She learned this behavior from her interaction with dolphins... letting THEM lead HER rather than what normally happens when adults interact with animals and children - forcing themselves and their will upon the other with aggressive eye contact and demanding expectations and words.
IMO, eye contact may be something that those who have difficulty with it actually know how to do, but in a different more MEANINGFUL way that others who ignore the emotions connected to it could really learn from.
I don't feel uncomfortable making eye contact with people I love, but I've just noticed this past week that if I have something against someone because they have done something to hurt me, I have a strong desire to withhold eye contact from them. I'm not nervous about it or uncomfortable I just don't even want to look at them.
Normally I work hard to resolve such disagreements, but this situation is complicated and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. The other person doesn't think there's a problem and is acting like she did nothing. It's hard.
I can look at eyes of strangers if they are not looking at me or are at a distance, but close up, I seem to naturally have to look away after seconds. Sometimes, it is because I worry what they will see in my eyes, other times I just dont understand what is in their eyes. I find eyes too deep. Tho I can manage to look in eyes of someone I have feelings for for longer periods. I like the eyes of some people, but not many, They have to have an intelligence about them and an intelligent intensity for me to deign to loook in them lol.
I can look someone in the eye at any distance, but If I do it is a sign of agression... An interesting thought would be how an aspie would do in the japanese cultures where the eyes comunicate facial expressions more than the mouth.
I don't feel overstimulated or anything by eye contact, it's just that I naturally perceive sustained eye contact to be a threatening behavior (as a few others have mentioned before). When people stare at me in the eyes, it feels threatening. When I have to maintain eye contact (because it's the "normal" thing to do apparently), I still feel like I am being threatening. This is the rule for pretty much all species in the class Mammalia, and I don't understand why humans are the exception. Even in our closest relatives, the Chimpanzees, sustained eye contact is considered an aggressive behavior.
I don't have so much of a problem maintaining eye contact with family and close friends, it's more just people I don't know or people I don't know very well.
The only time I make eye contact is usually with my teachers when going over my grades, again it is used as a threatening gesture but I guess my teachers dont mind since to them its a symbol of respect, gotta love it. Its kinda like cussing someone out in another language and saying that you are complementing them...
In some cultures it's seen as rude to look someone straight in there face all the time when you're talking to them.
It's seen as a challenge in some animals.
I think a lack of confidence may have something to do with it in some cases, going on the "it's a challenge" thing.
You don't like confrontation.
I've made a point to at least keep glancing over towards someone if they're speaking to me, to show them I'm paying attention.
I cant remember much before I started taking my meds 5 years ago but I do remember hating to look people in the eyes. I think I was literally scared of doing it, it freightend the hell out of me but I cant remember why. My teacher in grade 0-3 always wanted me to look at her but I just couldnt, in about grade 3 she gave up on it & just dealt with it. My teachers in grades 4-7 didnt ask me to look them in the eyes, I think my old teacher told them not to bother lol. My friends in Primary school never complained though, I think they just new thats how I was so they learnt to deal with it. My parents also stopped asking me to look them in the eyes when I was quite young, I think they realised it scared me half to death & the only way for them to talk to me without getting freaked out was to not worry about it. I always found something to look, never look at the person always the ground or a window or something, anything to not see their face.....
even though I can do all that now thanks to mind-bending drugs I still dont understand when people talk about the emotions in their eyes. I can look into a persons eyes but if I want to know how their actually feeling I need to look at other parts of their body, like their mouth & arms. I still miss the little gestures people do with their body though, I know a guy from Primary school, were not friends or anything & I saw him down the street. I thought he was a complete jackass he didnt even look at me, then my friend pointed out he nodded his head slightly??? When did that hapen?? apparently some people that arnt overly-confident do that to say hello instead of smiling or waving............... Well he probably thought I was the **** for blowing him off. How was i ment to notice he nodded his head by like 1 cm?????
Reason why I do not parttake in eye contact so well-
a) Perhaps it's tension- depends on the person and their body language (mainly energetic body language).
b) I can get put off what I am trying to say if I have to keep looking at a person all the time.
c) They already know that I am talking to them so why do I need to give eye contact? In fact, I had a conversation with an NT today without using much eye contact and it was a very good conversation (however, I was busy doing art work while we were talking).
I think I am ok with eye-contact, but I never know how long to look and when to look away. I find while people are talking to me I feel I need to stare at them, but this is uncomfortable, but when i'm talking I need to look away otherwise I don't remember what I was going to say.
I was often accused of staring at people in school, but what happened is that I had been listening but then drifted of into my thoughts but was still staring in their eyes.
So now I try to look away and back.
It's been a very long time since the last time someone demanded eye contact from me. As far as I'm concerned, that's a form of harassment. If someone did that to me at work, I would report it. I think some people just make that demand to intimidate you or to "show you who's in charge."
If they're concerned with eye contact, maybe they're paying too much attention to your body language and not enough on what you are saying. If it was up to me, I would wear dark glasses all the time so that others cannot tell whether I am actually looking at them or not, then they won't be so distracted and also won't have the advantage from being able to "read" my eyes when I cannot "read" theirs.
i usually dont look at people, or fix myself on a detail around the eyes, and then i block everything else out, so i tend to stare ppl in the eyes cos of this.
so i fix on a detail around the eye, and then in the conversation i think "*** ive been starring to long now" and i move my eyes.
its totally thought through, not natural at all.
i remember doing this as a kid cos i experienced that others looked me in the eyes when they talked to me and stopped talking if i did not look them in the eyes whilst having a conversation.
so i mad a "hack", i just look at a detail,
BUT
you cannot look ppl on their nose, or other things, cos some ppl dont like that.
I can look people in the eyes now. I couldnt when I was younger but I guess I learnt how. Though alot of the time I will be using the computer when people talk to me so I can just say yes or agree with what their saying without even looking at them. & alot of the time the people I talk to r using a computer them selfs so they dont look at me either cos their busy which just makes it easy.
I can look most people in the eyes for quite a while now but I tend to get board after a while & just look at them to be polite. Im going to my friends Birthday party next weekend & her & myself will be the only Aspie's there. im going to be VERY 'out of my comfort zone' cos it'll basically be me & 5 15 year old girls in an unfamiliar house with a bunch of strangers.
She wont be looking anyone in the eyes & I can already hear people telling her to do it in my head. On the rare occassion we're together she never looks me in the eyes & I dont care. I know thats how she & most ppl on the spectrem as well r heck I used to be the same way until I learnt how to do it. So I just keep talking like I do to every body else & she appreicates it.
i dunno why i cant really look people in the eyes that i dont know very well, all i know is that i get really stressed out if i make eye contact with people im not good friends with. people i know well, i can look them directly in the eyes and it doesn't bother me.