I've studied this in myself.
It seems that I can't process the emotional signals coming from the other person's eyes AND the meaning of his words at the same time. It's actually painful. Can do one or the other, but not both. So there's a tendency to process the words only and look away from the eyes.
Seems that it may be a monochannel versus multichannel issue.
What works for me is to:
1. Take my eyeglasses off when talking one on one closeup.
2. Not force eye contact, but just go on automatic. I usually go between the eyes and the mouth, switching back and forth.
I agree that the appearance of lacking self confidence is very deceptive, as many of us Aspies are not as "shy" as we appear.
I don't see the point of eye contact. This is something I've been told to do since I was very young, "look at me when I'm talking to you". I used to get in trouble in school for not paying attention, when in reality I could pay better attention if I didn't give eye contact. So, although it is something that does not come naturally for me, I still have to continually force myself to look someone in the eye when I talk to them.
The obsession with eye contact is a cultural issue. Some cultures actively discourage it!
In the animal kingdom, it means that you are spoiling for a fight.
In my opinion, if NTs want us to look them in the eye, the chances are they are looking for fear in ours.
Zed
Because we don't give a damn. That's my explanation.
Actually, when I try to keep focus on one thing, whether it be the eyes or something else, for too long, I feel awkward and feel that I need to stare at something else for a few seconds. To at least imitate eye contact, I constantly switch between the features of the face. When I have to give a long explanation about something, I don't stare at the person at all. If I keep my instinct mind unconscious about the fact that a human is staring at me, it is easier for me to concentrate on what I'm saying.
When I was little, people would keep telling me to look at them. Annoyed, I would bring up my gaze (usually I stared at something on the desk/table/thing right in front of me) for a few seconds, then drop it again. Sometimes, when I'm giving an explanation, the other person (usually a teacher or social worker) might interrupt and say, "Look at me while you're speaking, please." Then I lose my train of thought and get angry because I was thrown off.
I don't see what is so important about eye contact. It's just so distracting, and breaks my chain of thought.
Dx'd about four years ago at age 66----always had a strange feeling that maybe people could read my innermost thoughts if I made eye contact. A lttle paranoid maybe. I look at people's mouths. I can, if necessary, tell them that I am a little hard of hearing and am trying to learn how to read lips.
My parents used to think I was lying to them-- I especially hated it when they said, "Look me right in the eye and say that"
It strikes me funny now, but before I was diagnosed, I was once gently chided by a Navajo woman who told me that it was O.K. to make eye contact with her or any other Navajo person because eye contact is not a taboo with Navajo people.
Interestingly enough, although I naturally had severe gaze avoidance, over time I've become known for a very intense gaze and perceived as a very good listener. Maybe my key to this change might help you I hope - once I realized that I had significant power / ability to perceive the person's thoughts, feelings and emotions (even if their words belied the truth) via close visual observation, this changed my behavior immediately. It also helps give you a sense of power and self worth, as difficult and uncomfortable as it might be at times (esp when you try it the first few times!). Give it a try!
I read recently that when you look in to the eyes of a person your are in love with it secrets levels of sertonin. According to article, as I remember it, this eye contact released a pleasure giving chemical in your brain that effects endorphians causing the IN LOVE feeling. It also said that eye contact pleasure is re-routed after about 18 months because the brain becomes de-sensities to it and moves on, hence the honeymoon is over phase. So if science can detect chemical releases in the brain when lovers make eye contact wouldn't just regular eye contact be effected chemically as well. Maybe the seretonin levels in an N.T. brain don't release when they look into the eyes of a stranger. I also think body language can be learned and plenty of insecure, low self-estem people can come across as confident and secure with a walk, strut or flick of the hair when underneath it all their just a scared as anybody else. They just learned to hide it with a little acting, bravado and word dancing.
haha true that! Maybe that's what I have - I'm known for my intense gaze...
Well, not every Aspie has poor eye contact, some have staring problems.
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I don't mind looking into someone's eyes for a little while but find it hard to understand speech and continue to look into their eyes for a longer time.
Yeah, head-nodding can be an easy one to miss. Sometimes, I will give a small wave and I tend to give covert glances at the person first to see if they are looking my way.
I feel overwhelmed and unable to concentrate when I look directly into someone's eyes.
I have developed a trick for this--I don't look into their eyes. I look at the bridge of their nose, or their eyebrows. So, I'm making some contact that's easier (I'm still anxious) for me, and at least fulfilling some part of an NTs needs to have some kind of eye contact. It's not perfect-they know they aren't fully connecting, but it's the best I have.
Probably the only people I
can have direct eye contact with are small children. Not as threatening, I guess.
Metta, Jaye
I feel overwhelmed and unable to concentrate when I look directly into someone's eyes.
I have developed a trick for this--I don't look into their eyes. I look at the bridge of their nose, or their eyebrows. So, I'm making some contact that's easier (I'm still anxious) for me, and at least fulfilling some part of an NTs needs to have some kind of eye contact. It's not perfect-they know they aren't fully connecting, but it's the best I have.
Probably the only people I
can have direct eye contact with are small children. Not as threatening, I guess.
Metta, Jaye
I feel overwhelmed and unable to concentrate when I look directly into someone's eyes.
I have developed a trick for this--I don't look into their eyes. I look at the bridge of their nose, or their eyebrows. So, I'm making some contact that's easier (I'm still anxious) for me, and at least fulfilling some part of an NTs needs to have some kind of eye contact. It's not perfect-they know they aren't fully connecting, but it's the best I have.
Probably the only people I
can have direct eye contact with are small children. Not as threatening, I guess.
Metta, Jaye
I find it too intense sometimes but usually do my best to keep up with eye contact with the person I'm talking to. Trying to talk to several people at once is something I find quite difficult though.
One thing to much to concentrate on, I think. 4 inches of water is enough for drowning. Eyes are much deeper.
Came to think of my habit of watching and noticing what type of foot wear people have. If the boots are of a kind that I've had myself or that they look comfy and interesting I would tend to linger at the thought and thus stare at them or even start to talk about them. If they seem out of context to what other clothes the carrier are wearing, I guess I'd be slightly irritated.
Poor eye contact, otos. What's that supposed to mean?