A colleague keeps telling me my lack of eye contact is due to lack of confidence. She believe she knows so much about asperger's from working with adults in care homes with asperger's that I do not have it. I have plenty of confidence but have trouble communicating it. The same person said to me I'd eat my hat if you have asperger's what is your obessession I know a girl who had to buy a hat and a coat every saturday, laughed when I said music.
I am using the eye contact as an example of how people are trying to fix my behaviour that cannot be fixed by suggesting stupid reason's for it.
Is there any scientific or logical explanation for the eye contact. I often feel pained to try and give eye contact, its something I cannot control naturally have to think about it too much.
If I am confortable with someone and trusting in them it naturally improves, I have no trouble giving aniamls eye contact or my service users, except for my autistic service user as he stairs at me bless him its good cause he does not like people staring at him!
If I was trusting with someone and something changed my eye contact will get worst, to the point where I may even look at the floor or talk with my back to them.
I have noticed in my client he gives little head buts once he knows you and feels comfortable with you, does it often when he is relaxed kind of a nice thing, he smiles its kind of his way to hug.
Any ideas this has kind of bugged me, I guess I want the answer to the no your eye contact is just lack of confidence as you can see where this is come from. Lets find reasons for her behviour, had a bad life (er no not really), lack of common sense, low self esteem (had it knocked but just got it back), nervous tics - just being northern. They won't except it until I get diagnosed, I have excepted it this is who I am. Its just proving it enough to be diagnosed officially.
I have an uncanny ability to pick up on a person's tone of voice, how they react, what they say and what they do not say to accertain there moods, whether they want to talk to me. It hurts when I make an attempt and they walk away and give one word answers. I can tell if someone is annoyed with me, sometimes without reason. With one person that hurt like hell. When he found out I could be aspie he changed and was nice to me. Helped me the most then, say hello to me when I walked in the room. I hope that continues when I go back to work. I lost some people in my life, a lot I could not careless bar one person. That is his loss.
Because we don't give a damn. That's my explanation.
Actually, when I try to keep focus on one thing, whether it be the eyes or something else, for too long, I feel awkward and feel that I need to stare at something else for a few seconds. To at least imitate eye contact, I constantly switch between the features of the face. When I have to give a long explanation about something, I don't stare at the person at all. If I keep my instinct mind unconscious about the fact that a human is staring at me, it is easier for me to concentrate on what I'm saying.
When I was little, people would keep telling me to look at them. Annoyed, I would bring up my gaze (usually I stared at something on the desk/table/thing right in front of me) for a few seconds, then drop it again. Sometimes, when I'm giving an explanation, the other person (usually a teacher or social worker) might interrupt and say, "Look at me while you're speaking, please." Then I lose my train of thought and get angry because I was thrown off.
I don't see what is so important about eye contact. It's just so distracting, and breaks my chain of thought.
Can't think of a username
I have the same issue not with my close friends, 2 here where I live, 2 I have known since a child/college (the later see it more because they have known me for so long and one of them even sees it in himself). The stereotyped image you are referring to I get from one or two colleagues that work in learning dis one worked with asperger's with those stereotyped. The other more concerning has been one particular doctor and pychiatrist concerning because they have treated me as mentally ill and it has had disasterous effects. Now I am off all meds, alcolhol and cannabis I am doing much better. I am also following a strict healthy diet and going with the flow.
I spoke to a lady I know from a slimming world group I used to go to who is a retired social worker. She confirmed there are a lot of people with catatonia in mental hospitals due to the massive cocktails of drugs they are on. She also agreed that there are different severities of Asperger's just as there is with Down Syndrome. No one person is the same, regardless of there diagnosis, be it learning disability, Mental health or 'Normal'. The stereo types are true, it has affected the diagnostic criteria. You get that stereotype from only meeting the worse case senerio's, especially in adults with learning disability. Learning is a learnt skill it does not come naturally.
I think with some of these people it is quite scary as we appear very 'normal' with some issues, I think it challenges there own concept of what is normal as it should do, I have always felt different but have aimed to please tried to fit in all my life to some degree (more so after I left primary school).
As a kid I had trouble making friends girls as a child, but I had a lot of cousin's and did not have to worry so much always had someone to play with. Also where I am from we do not talk to children like 'babies' go ga gah gah. We speak properly. My mum picked up on my language delay at 2 years old, as a midwife and possible aspie she was very observant of development. Knowing her brother did not talk until 5 (also possible to have triats). The doctor recommended I be put in nursery at 2 and my speech developed quickly. My mum would not have put me in nursery at that age if it was not for language delay. Not knowing about autism back them, but knowing now she recognises the early signs from birth.
I read recently that when you look in to the eyes of a person your are in love with it secrets levels of sertonin. According to article, as I remember it, this eye contact released a pleasure giving chemical in your brain that effects endorphians causing the IN LOVE feeling. It also said that eye contact pleasure is re-routed after about 18 months because the brain becomes de-sensities to it and moves on, hence the honeymoon is over phase. So if science can detect chemical releases in the brain when lovers make eye contact wouldn't just regular eye contact be effected chemically as well. Maybe the seretonin levels in an N.T. brain don't release when they look into the eyes of a stranger. I also think body language can be learned and plenty of insecure, low self-estem people can come across as confident and secure with a walk, strut or flick of the hair when underneath it all their just a scared as anybody else. They just learned to hide it with a little acting, bravado and word dancing.
Noooo! Philosophical thought and the maximity of the emotion love! All ruined!!! I hate you, science!
The same person said to me I'd eat my hat if you have asperger's what is your obessession I know a girl who had to buy a hat and a coat every saturday, laughed when I said music. Â
Tell her it would taste better if she were to add tomato sauce. 
As for the eye contact thing. My boss was always asking me to look at him. So I did for a split second and then looked away. Nowadays I just say, "I can look at you or I can listen to you."
All bluff, of course, but naturally they choose the latter.
Wait, I learned (really figured out) that the eye is the feature of the face with the most prominent emotion. The reason why NTs look at the eyes is so they recognise emotion better, and maybe get a grasp of what they're thinking simply by emotion.
Pretty much the eye IS the window into the soul!
Now we need to learn the language of the eyes a little bit more.
Too bad some of us can't recognise emotion and speech at the same time.
Eye-contact is aggressive in cats, too.
I feel very uncomfortable looking into someone's eyes, but only if they are looking at me. I can look at someone's eyes if they are looking away.
I focus on the mouth nowadays; I used to look over the person's shoulder or at their necks. So I'm getting better.
<nodding>
I would love to know for sure why I have problems with eye contact...I can't maintain it for more than a split second, not even with my parents. I just know that looking into someone's eyes is overwhelming, like I'm getting too much of them in that gaze, even things they'd prefer to keep secret. Yeah, that sounds right. It feels intrusive.
Similarly, I worry that people looking at my eyes will see more than I want to show. Anyone familiar with "Faces", a poem by Sara Teasdale? That says it quite well.
<hugs>
Athie
The thing about eye contact and animals and dominence fascinates me. It is a sign of dominence in animals to stare someone down, and looking away indicates submissiveness. Animals don't have words, they use non verbal cues including eye contact to communicate their 'position' as well as if they trust each other or not. I think humans lose a lot of this 'natural' communication process because we are SO social now that a lot of instinct is ignored in order to fit in.
In the book, "The Secret Language of Dolphins", Patricia St. John was able to communicate with severely autistic children by taking a submissive position (sitting on the floor while they were in chairs or sitting just down a bit from them) and she did not look directly at them, but looked in their direction until THEY initiated the eye contact. Then she would look in their eyes and maintain the eye contact. After that they often would stop some of the repetitive non-communicative behavior in order to interact with her, let her touch them, hold them and some would even interact with her in a way that showed her they understood what she was trying to communicate.
She learned this behavior from her interaction with dolphins... letting THEM lead HER rather than what normally happens when adults interact with animals and children - forcing themselves and their will upon the other with aggressive eye contact and demanding expectations and words.
It's the same with cats. If you allow some cats to initiate social contact, they can be far more friendly even to strangers.
A colleague keeps telling me my lack of eye contact is due to lack of confidence. She believe she knows so much about asperger's from working with adults in care homes with asperger's that I do not have it.  I have plenty of confidence but have trouble communicating it.
They won't except it until I get diagnosed, I have excepted it this is who I am.  Its just proving it enough to be diagnosed officially.
I guess you could ask yourself why it's any of their business.
Humans still
are basically animals, really. And in some situations even NTs find prolonged eye contact threatening.
(I saw a documentary that showed why cats sometimes go for the laps of cat haters -- because cat lovers stare them down and cat haters narrow their eyes and look away!!!
)
I'm generally good with cats and dogs -- if you lower your eyes and pass them by, most (
most) of even the unfriendliest dogs won't attack.
I've trained myself to look 'towards' a person when they're talking to me but I still have a big problem when I'm talking to someone, or answering a question they may have asked.. interviews are the worst.
I'd agree with what a few others have said, that it's much easier for me to focus on what someone is saying if I'm not looking at their face and I have a much easier time talking with teenagers then adults. Not sure why that is, though.
my family is okay with me not making eye contact, we don't do it too much. and in fact, in eastern cultures, eye contact is disgrouaged. eye contact i think is ovrerrated.
Absolutely! As far as I'm concerned, it's not natural. Other animals don't do prolonged eye contact, except as a threat.
(Sometimes if I'm forced to make eye contact with someone, I feel like they're stabbing me in the eyes. Like some kind of imagined pain. Anyone else find that?)
Good point, Trish...animals don't ever have that glaring, probing look that human beings do. Animals observe you gently...there's something simple and uncomplicated about making eye contact with an animal. I know it's much easier to look my guinea pig in the eye than it is to look my parents in the eyes.
<hugs>
Athie