11-05-2006, 04:09 PM
Indeed, this is yet another "Do I have Asperger's Syndrome?" thread. I suppose the most appropriate place to start would be how I came to believe I might have Asperger's.
I saw a post on Gizmodo.com a while back about some kind of cellphone service with a voice analysis feature that can supposedly determine whether or not the person you're having a converstation with loves you. Sadly, the author used that feature to poke fun at aspies.
That, of course, was the first time I've heard of Asperger's syndrome, so I read the Wikipedia entry to see what it is. As I was reading through it, my first thought was, "Well, that's mean of Gizmodo. What have people with Asperger's ever done wrong to warrant being the punchline of a joke?" I thought it sounded somewhat familiar, so I read on, thinking I may know someone with Asperger's.
I'm sure most of you can see where this is going. As I read through the different symptom categories, it became more and more clear that perhaps the person I'm thinking of is me. At first, I was stunned and didn't know what to think, so I kept it to myself for the most part for a long while.
I had been previously diagnosed with ADD and given amphetamines for the reason that I simply couldn't focus on my homework (though I generally did very well on tests and quizes). When they saw that the amphetamines helped, they assumed the diagnosis was correct. (Well duh, of course they'd help. You don't need ADD for amphetamines to work in helping you focus. There's a reason they're called the smart drug!) I personally quit taking them, because I was starting to feel paranoid, and because they really didn't improve my grades in the long term.
Keeping those two things in mind, when I went for a physical, I mentioned to my doctor that perhaps my supposed ADD was misdiagnosed and that I really had Asperger's Syndrome. She stood there for a few seconds and looked like she was sincerely thinking about the possibility, but finally told me that she doubts I have it, since she has had patients with Asperger's before, and all were supposedly rather impaired. She added that I could have a psychiatric evaluation arranged if it was really bothering me. Out of fear of my parents, I declined, and shut up about it from there on out.
And that's where the self-doubt started. I was wondering if I was just plain abnormal, nothing more and nothing less. For every symptom of Asperger's I thought I might have, I came up with a reason as to why it doesn't count. But the question lingered, and the answer seemed more and more likely to be yes as people would more and more frequently reminisce as college approached closer and closer.
First, my mother was telling me about how my first grade teacher raised hell because I hardly ever did homework, with my reason being that I already know how to add and how to read. My mother also mentioned that I was always wierd, but that time, instead of saying I should go to a psychiatrist and get treatment, because "I'm not normal," she mentioned another kid I knew that was in some ways similar to me and told me that perhaps all smart kids were at least a little weird.
(On a side note, my parents never once told me how I'm weird. Just that I'm a worthless freak who thinks he's smart every time a lackluster report card would come home. Never mind that I always try to downplay the supposed intelligence often attributed to me.)
After that, I met an old rival from elementary school. Rival in the sense that he was the son of my parents' friends, and was everything you could want in a child: smart, hard-working, sociable, pro-actively doing chores, etc, etc. I was frequently compared to him by my parents, to the point that I hated his existence with every fiber of my being. But I digress.
Though I was wary of anything he had to say, he did at one point mention that the best memory he had of me what from the 3rd grade. Our teacher was starting a unit on magnetism, and I was talking to another outcast kid about some videogame. The teacher noticed, scolded us for talking in class, and then asked the other guy what he knew about magnetism. Upon sheepishly saying that he knew nothing, she proceded to ask me the same question. I responded with an explanation that could be expected of a student many grade levels higher than me. When I heard that, a voice in the back of my mind hissed, "Aspie!"
From there on out, I've been looking at myself, trying to see what my current quirks are, and trying to scrape together old, painful memories of elementary and middle school.
Among the things I found:
- I used to repeat the last few words I'd say, under my breath. It was driving my friends and my sister crazy, so I ultimately forced myself to stop. Though I don't particularly do that anymore, I do occasionally catch myself whispering the last thing I said under my breath.
- I used to - and still frequently do - flex and wiggle my toes. When I was little, it would annoy my mother to no end, because it would wear away my socks quickly.
- I tend to have a completely neutral facial expression. Even when I think I'm smiling or frowning, I only minimally move my muscles, so it appears that I'm uninterested in what's going on.
- When I was young, during an intense moment in a videogame, I'd tend to grab the controller and jump around.
- I have trouble getting into conversations, with the exception of subjects I find interesting, in which case I tend to ramble on in a ranty monologue.
- As soon as I was allowed to go into a library, I was almost supernaturally drawn to books on science, invention, and computers. I never cared much for mathematics, and I only started to appreciate fiction and poetry in high school. As such, I was always well ahead of the class in any science course, with the painful exception of physics.
- I tend to be a bit introverted, and I never consider someone a friend until they call me a friend first. I've been burned far too many times to recall when I was young by jerks masquerading as friends, only to use me as a verbal punching bag.
- I found in a summer camp I went to once, that if I force myself to smile when everyone else is (regardless of whether I think I'm smiling or not), I tend to get a long much better with people. To be honest, I still don't quite understand why that is. I always thought actions mean more than appearances.
- Although I can force myself to be sociable in new situations, I can never keep it up and always find myself withdrawing from everyone but my friends. Now that I'm in college, a lot of people often ask me why they never see me at any of the parties or clubs anymore.
- I can usually pick up a joke when someone makes one, but I never feel it. Generally, I respond to jokes as if they were meant seriously.
- When I was in high school, people in my English classes (teachers included) would often comment about my unique insight into things, and how they'd never think of the things I think of. According to my senior year teacher, I also have the ability to see into a book, no matter how much I hate it, and that I'm also proficient at writing strong, beautiful stories. (Can't say I necessarily agree with that last part.)
I think that pretty much covers most of it. Reading over it, it seems like I might indeed be an Aspie, but I just need some kind of answer - affirmative or negative - from some source knowledgeable on the subject to finally put the question to rest. I fear seeing a psychiatrist and the stigma that might be placed upon me for that, so who better to ask than a forum for Aspies?
I saw a post on Gizmodo.com a while back about some kind of cellphone service with a voice analysis feature that can supposedly determine whether or not the person you're having a converstation with loves you. Sadly, the author used that feature to poke fun at aspies.
That, of course, was the first time I've heard of Asperger's syndrome, so I read the Wikipedia entry to see what it is. As I was reading through it, my first thought was, "Well, that's mean of Gizmodo. What have people with Asperger's ever done wrong to warrant being the punchline of a joke?" I thought it sounded somewhat familiar, so I read on, thinking I may know someone with Asperger's.
I'm sure most of you can see where this is going. As I read through the different symptom categories, it became more and more clear that perhaps the person I'm thinking of is me. At first, I was stunned and didn't know what to think, so I kept it to myself for the most part for a long while.
I had been previously diagnosed with ADD and given amphetamines for the reason that I simply couldn't focus on my homework (though I generally did very well on tests and quizes). When they saw that the amphetamines helped, they assumed the diagnosis was correct. (Well duh, of course they'd help. You don't need ADD for amphetamines to work in helping you focus. There's a reason they're called the smart drug!) I personally quit taking them, because I was starting to feel paranoid, and because they really didn't improve my grades in the long term.
Keeping those two things in mind, when I went for a physical, I mentioned to my doctor that perhaps my supposed ADD was misdiagnosed and that I really had Asperger's Syndrome. She stood there for a few seconds and looked like she was sincerely thinking about the possibility, but finally told me that she doubts I have it, since she has had patients with Asperger's before, and all were supposedly rather impaired. She added that I could have a psychiatric evaluation arranged if it was really bothering me. Out of fear of my parents, I declined, and shut up about it from there on out.
And that's where the self-doubt started. I was wondering if I was just plain abnormal, nothing more and nothing less. For every symptom of Asperger's I thought I might have, I came up with a reason as to why it doesn't count. But the question lingered, and the answer seemed more and more likely to be yes as people would more and more frequently reminisce as college approached closer and closer.
First, my mother was telling me about how my first grade teacher raised hell because I hardly ever did homework, with my reason being that I already know how to add and how to read. My mother also mentioned that I was always wierd, but that time, instead of saying I should go to a psychiatrist and get treatment, because "I'm not normal," she mentioned another kid I knew that was in some ways similar to me and told me that perhaps all smart kids were at least a little weird.
(On a side note, my parents never once told me how I'm weird. Just that I'm a worthless freak who thinks he's smart every time a lackluster report card would come home. Never mind that I always try to downplay the supposed intelligence often attributed to me.)
After that, I met an old rival from elementary school. Rival in the sense that he was the son of my parents' friends, and was everything you could want in a child: smart, hard-working, sociable, pro-actively doing chores, etc, etc. I was frequently compared to him by my parents, to the point that I hated his existence with every fiber of my being. But I digress.
Though I was wary of anything he had to say, he did at one point mention that the best memory he had of me what from the 3rd grade. Our teacher was starting a unit on magnetism, and I was talking to another outcast kid about some videogame. The teacher noticed, scolded us for talking in class, and then asked the other guy what he knew about magnetism. Upon sheepishly saying that he knew nothing, she proceded to ask me the same question. I responded with an explanation that could be expected of a student many grade levels higher than me. When I heard that, a voice in the back of my mind hissed, "Aspie!"
From there on out, I've been looking at myself, trying to see what my current quirks are, and trying to scrape together old, painful memories of elementary and middle school.
Among the things I found:
- I used to repeat the last few words I'd say, under my breath. It was driving my friends and my sister crazy, so I ultimately forced myself to stop. Though I don't particularly do that anymore, I do occasionally catch myself whispering the last thing I said under my breath.
- I used to - and still frequently do - flex and wiggle my toes. When I was little, it would annoy my mother to no end, because it would wear away my socks quickly.
- I tend to have a completely neutral facial expression. Even when I think I'm smiling or frowning, I only minimally move my muscles, so it appears that I'm uninterested in what's going on.
- When I was young, during an intense moment in a videogame, I'd tend to grab the controller and jump around.
- I have trouble getting into conversations, with the exception of subjects I find interesting, in which case I tend to ramble on in a ranty monologue.
- As soon as I was allowed to go into a library, I was almost supernaturally drawn to books on science, invention, and computers. I never cared much for mathematics, and I only started to appreciate fiction and poetry in high school. As such, I was always well ahead of the class in any science course, with the painful exception of physics.
- I tend to be a bit introverted, and I never consider someone a friend until they call me a friend first. I've been burned far too many times to recall when I was young by jerks masquerading as friends, only to use me as a verbal punching bag.
- I found in a summer camp I went to once, that if I force myself to smile when everyone else is (regardless of whether I think I'm smiling or not), I tend to get a long much better with people. To be honest, I still don't quite understand why that is. I always thought actions mean more than appearances.
- Although I can force myself to be sociable in new situations, I can never keep it up and always find myself withdrawing from everyone but my friends. Now that I'm in college, a lot of people often ask me why they never see me at any of the parties or clubs anymore.
- I can usually pick up a joke when someone makes one, but I never feel it. Generally, I respond to jokes as if they were meant seriously.
- When I was in high school, people in my English classes (teachers included) would often comment about my unique insight into things, and how they'd never think of the things I think of. According to my senior year teacher, I also have the ability to see into a book, no matter how much I hate it, and that I'm also proficient at writing strong, beautiful stories. (Can't say I necessarily agree with that last part.)
I think that pretty much covers most of it. Reading over it, it seems like I might indeed be an Aspie, but I just need some kind of answer - affirmative or negative - from some source knowledgeable on the subject to finally put the question to rest. I fear seeing a psychiatrist and the stigma that might be placed upon me for that, so who better to ask than a forum for Aspies?