Aspies For Freedom

Hi everyone,
I am sort of newish to the forum, I have posted a few replys though before I have come up with the confidence to ask a question.

Bit of background now...
I am mum to 3 kids, Tilly who is 13 and has Dyslexia, Ellen who is 10 and Josef who is 8 and has Aspergers.

With Tilly and Josef, I seem to fight the education system alot.  It was a long hard fight for my daughter.  Josef is a little easier now I have found a school that understands his needs.  The problem is with Ellen, she gets on fine in school, doesn't suffer any problems, and I know she see's this as a problem because I don't have to go in there and fight her cause.

I try to give my kids all the same attention, I think the only thing that I am guilty of is asking Ellen to help me with something first before I ask the others.  Tilly finds instruction hard because of her Dyslexia.  I guess I just know with Ellen that I only have to ask and she understands what to do to help me.  Ellen becomes frustrated, she doesn't fully understand Josef's Aspie nature and I guess she thinks he gets away with a lot sometimes, yet at other times, she is his biggest help.  

Ellen can become very moody and will say things such as "I wish sometimes I had something wrong with me too"  You see, even I have got 'something' that makes me a bit different in her eyes as I have MS.  I know maybe alert signs will spring up in some minds there because maybe you think I look on her in a carer role, but thats not the case, I am very well with the MS and one promise I made to myself when I was diagnosed was even if it became really bad, I would not have my children as my carers, I am their carer and thats the way it will always be.  

I would just like to know if anyone on the forum has this sort of problem and what I can do about it.  It isn't all the time, just when she gets frustrated, but then she can say some hurtful things to Tilly and Josef in regards to the Dyslexia and Aspergers but please don't think her bad because this isn't so.  I guess thats the time when she needs my help the most, but then she clams up and I don't know what to do.

If anyone can give me advice I will be really grateful.
p.s. Just want to say thank you to all that post on this site because it has been a huge, huge help to me.

Jane

perhaps you could reassure her that she does have something wrong with her.  99.99999999999% of humans do.

sorry, this is slightly cynical.  

but aren't the other 2 good at some things that your "normal" daughter is not good at?  isn't there anything they can help her with?

very few people, if any, are actually "normal", which is why i put it in quotes.  many ppl say normal doesn't exist at all and it's a social invention...

i don't mean to be unfriendly in this post, although i think it is coming out that way as i am grumpy today.  they are probably great kids, all of them.  
but everyone has something wrong with them, really.  just as all people also have some strengths and/or good points.

Is there anything you can do together with just her? That might make her feel a bit better. It could also be a bit of "middle child syndrome". There was a very good example of that with the Brady Bunch movie where Jan got upset because she thought the other girls got more attention than her.

My NT daughter can be similar, although she is the youngest, and it can be difficult for her to understand why we seem to cave in on certain things for our son but not for her.  Mostly we explain that everyone is different and that when she needs us to, we'll accomodate her as well.

And, actually, she gets accomodated a lot, as the youngest.  She just doesn't realize it.

I think it's natural for syblings to get jealous, and the disability accomodations in our cases have simply become the hook for it.  If they weren't there, it would be something else.  All you can do is your best, to help your child see the benefits she gets that the others don't, to understand better the benefits they get that she doesn't, and to realize that you do your best equally for all of them.

Hi,

I just want to say thank your for your feedback. I agree with all of you with what you say.

I do think Ellen is sometimes jealous, and suffers from middle child syndrome.  I also know that the majority of the population has something wrong with them and that 'normality' is something that society dictates.  All I can do with that though is carry on with what I do and teach my kids to accept everyone as their own person and that everyone is different and its ok to be different.  

I know Ellen struggles with the way I handle things with Josef, maybe it is me that is at fault there, maybe I should actually explain why I do that.  I guess Ellen does not yet fully understand Aspergers, but it is her that reads Josef a story at night, when he is unable to sleep.  I guess time is going to help her understand.  

In reply to the question asked by natalia, yes there are lots of things that the other two can do that Ellen can't.  They do help her and for that she is grateful.

I am going to try the one on one time that tenaciouscj suggested, I am going to try it with all of them.  Maybe I focus too much on doing things as a family all the time, when maybe I should take time out with each of them.

Natalia, DW-a-mom and tenaciouscj thank you so much.  Sometimes a small concern can turn into something that worries you so much.  I guess I just want to make all my children happy, whether they have Dyslexia, Aspergers or not, and by typing a post today helped me vent out my concern and welcome the feedback it received.

Thanks again
Jane  :grin:

No worries. I think sometimes there is too much emphasis on doing things together as a family when one on one time might make some of the kids happier. I just suppose it can be tricky to organise.

I actually wish people would do this more often because kids are taken shopping and get really cranky when it might be better for one parent to take one of the kids shopping and the other/s be minded at home by the other parent.

I realise if there is a one parent family this is impossible and especially if there is no one else to watch the child or children who act up in the shops or church or wherever.

Hi
   Yeah one-on-one time is really good. Do you own a car? Do the kids all finish school at the same time and do you drop them off for soccer practice or other activities individually? Are they all in the house at the same time? Thats the best time, my mum used to take me out to lunch in between school and tuition.
   If you havent already it would be really good to talk to Ellen about why her brother seems to 'get away' with things. I have a feeling she may have this vicious cycle of getting upset at Josef, then feeling guilty because shes normal. Also let her know that her work is appreciated.
   I think in your context, she's the "odd one out" in the family so its important to let her know that she too is special. she doesnt have to have "special needs" to be special.
   It must be stressful considering that you have MS too but I guess all you can do is do your best. I'm sure youre probably aleady doing al the things I said but any way just my thoughts :grin:

Hi tenaciouscj and can't_think_of_a_username,

Thanks for posting your thoughts.

I have mentioned the one on one days out to the children and they are so excited about doing this sort of stuff.  They said they love the days out as a family and walking Bob (the dog) but they would love to spend some time on their own with me.  Yes I do drive, and I love to drive so getting out and about is easy.  As for the 2 staying at home for that day, I have a really supportive family and patner who will only be too happy to help.

I agree with you 'can't-think-of-a-username' that Ellen probably feels guilty straight after being upset with Josef, and I think your right that in our situation, she does feel the odd one out.  She is very special and I tell all of them that all the time, somehow though I think it will show more and be understood more when we have that one on one time.

I guess my having ms isn't easy on any of them, Josef doesn't understand, he just thinks that I get a bad back from time to time, or when I have to use crutches, he tells everyone I have broken my leg.  Ellen tends to be the scared one out of them, we fondly call her forrest gump because if she gets spooked, she just runs and runs.  Tilly my eldest quietly watches and jumps in if needed.  For the most part though my ms doesn't interfere with our day to day life and I haven't got any lasting effects from the relapses.

Your right, at the end of the day, all I can do, is do my best.  As long as my kids grow up happy and secure then thats the most important.  Sometimes I guess that when you hit a slight problem then you can't really see the full story, but thanks to this forum and all of you that have replied to my question, I have been able to see it from various sides...  

Thanks all  :grin:  :grin:
Jane