Aspies For Freedom

Hi all.

You know, I've just been realizing how intricate the task of interacting with NT's can be for an aspie. I think I can manage pretty well, but the things that drive me crazy are family and peer bullying. I get very angry and then very depressed. Lately, it's been affecting my functionality.

Does it happen to anyone to have a mother who is a bully? This is an extreme situation, and I might be caught in it.

My observation of her is that she is truly a bully. At the uni, the people who like me treat me well, and those who don't, don't interact with me. A very few bully. That makes me think that I'm probably high-functioning, since I can interact relatively well to some people. But when it comes to my own mother, she doesn't consider any of my issues with Aspergers, i.e., sensory, talking on the phone, shyness, lack of interest for chit chat and other NT subjects such as politics and religion. Because I can't talk to her the way NT do and about NT stuff, she gets the feeling that I dislike her, and it motivates her to bully me. Truth is, I don't dislike her, I dislike her bullies and her annoying NT habits. Anyways, she might think:

- Oh well, my son is a poor hopeless junkie, who sleeps till 12 every day, has been trying to get a degree for 8 years, has never been officially hired for a job... there's no use teaching him social skills, since he constantly 'shows he dislikes me' (I just try to be myself); I'll just use my highly developed 'bullying' (social) skills for the fun of it, since many people bully me too and this is my general payback.

And that's where it drives me crazy. Our relation can be synthesized into: Whenever she needs to talk to me, I've got to be in perfect shape; but whenever I need to talk to her about my problems, she blocks me. It's like, she realizes I have issues, but somehow she convinced herself that those are only temporary, and that if she doesn't ease things for me I'll eventually learn all I need to get on with life all by myself. Simply put, I am probably an aspie who's considered to be an NT pretending to be an aspie.

And this could get on and on, but I have the feeling that I'm at the edge of a nervous breakthrough. I just can't stand it anymore, living with her bullying me almost every situation.

Let me give you an example.
Yesterday was Saturday; I was excited about it, about not having to go out on that day, not having to interact with anyone... cool, I'll just stay home online relaxing from a full week of NT classes and interactions. I don't have a phone in my room because I hate the ringing. By coincidence, a moment when I was out of my room the phone rang, I hesitated to pick it up, thinking: 'Hope it's nothing too complicated', but picked it. It was my mother. She started:

- I'm on shop X right now, beside vender Y, I thought you might get helped if I bought you new sheets for your bed.

- Oh, how cool.

- They come in colours Z, W and B, which do you prefer?

- I love W.

(Talking to seller) - Are there any on W colour?
(Talking to me) - They don't come in W colour.

(Kinda pissed already) - Alright, I'll stick with B colour then, please.

- Alright, bye.

- Bye (relieved)

3 min later:

- Hello.

- It's me again, look there are none on W colour, but we found it on Z colour, which is similar, how about that? (Note: Z and W are different colours)

(Pissed) - Hey I've already told you I was fine with B, so why do you keep on calling me about it? I just wanna be in peace on Saturday afternoon, alright?

I knew I made shit by telling this the way I did to her, but... I felt bullied. Today I tried to talk to her about the situation, but no big deal. I came to her telling that I was sorry about my lack of patience with her on the phone, and before I could thank her for eventually bringing home the B sheets she would say, in a silly way, "- Well next time control yourself, I was just trying to show you some kindness."

Is this how NT's show kindness to one another? I mean, they bully themselves up to the point one of them thinks he's gone too far and then buys the other something to 'show kindness' and compensate?

My mother is definitely a bully, in my childhood she would scream, rant, rage, etc, if we didn't do things her way.  Later on I saw her do the same things to my sisters children.   Whenever I stood up to her, she would scream at my sister for hours on end and make my sister beg me to capitulate to her point of view.  I vowed for the longest time that I would never have children because of her.  Then when I did get married and have a child, I vowed that I would never let her scream and terrorize my daughter.  Well, to make a short story long, she tried to get to my daughter at 3 years of age and tell her that her parents were evil and hateful.  In front of me no less.  But like most bullies she would not do that to my wife's face or for that matter to my sister's husbands face.  (bullies are cowards)  She has beaten my sister for not dropping a boyfriend and I know she has beaten my sisters kids.  When my sister was not around.  BBUUUUUUUUUUTTTT, my sister refuses to see or want to see what she has done to her own kids and blames me for all the family problems.  So 11 years ago this month, I cut off all relations to my mother and sister........and I haven't regretted it since!

Even though my mother still calls on the phone and leaves messages that I am going to burn in Hell.  Thank the Great Old Ones for caller ID!!!!

Peace

My mother isnt a bully so I voted What? Never!


But sometimes she gets frustrated with me like when I'm asking too many qestions or I'm not getting soemthing so she has to go through a huge duscussion about it to expain to me about it. Back when I was still living with my family, she sometimes get mad at me for having senseory issues like the time in December 2004, we were all down in Mexico at this Senor Frogs place in mazatlan (spelling). The restaurant was packed and real noisy. I was fine at first and then my sensory issues started to break in so the place seemed louder and I felt everyone was close to me. These guys who were walking aroudn the restaurant, I hated them blowing their whistles and when they lean over at out table, they be right in my face touching me. It bothered the hell out of me. My ears were even hurting too from all the cheering and the talking amd the guys blowing their whistles. Their jobs were to go to each tables and perform silly tricks and they make balloons for people at the table and they also sold stuff like blinking pacifiers. My dad got me one. I handled it well by leaving the restuarnt by going out to the senor frogs store that was attatched to the place but it got loud in there too so I went outside but it was real uncomfortable because I couldn't find a comfortable place to sit so I can read and listen to my music and my family was done eating but none of them wanted to leave so I decided to take a long walk back to out condo even though it was like 8 miles away but at least it give my family some time to chat and enjoy the torture but when I left, they left too and they picked me up in one of the taxis they were taking and Mom was mad at me for leaving. I tried to explian to her but she refused. She told me I was selfish and all I cared about was myself. I tried to explain to her the next day but still shut me off.

Raphael: I've seen NT mothers do crap like that for years. It annoys NT kids too, but she seems to be raging on you because she somehow thinks she has a defective kid. Also, NTs are terrible at treating anyone 'different' decently, even other NTs who just happen to be more on the neurodiverse end of their own spectrum.

Ozymandias: I seriously wish you weren't married. I'd tell you to call your mom up and be like "Hey mom, just calling to let you know I'm off to have a night of crazy rampant premarital sex. Have a great day!". I would pay good money to see the look on her face.

My own mom was never a bully though. I got most of my positive aspie traits from her, of that I'm positive. She and I don't have all that much in common otherwise, but we get along well. My dad, on the other hand, only seems to be able to communicate in degrees of tantrum. Socially, he even makes me look good. I don't know what his parents did wrong but I'd rather not repeat the mistake (although now I'm not even sure if I want kids, nothing to do with asperger's I assure you, in fact my condition is the main reason I'm even considering not getting a vasectomy)

LOL,  Years before I met my wife, I had a relationship with someone who shall be forever nameless.  Anyway, my mother asked me if we were having sex.  I said yes, and she shrugged it off and said, "I sort of figured you were."  Now if my sister (who is older than me) had said "yes" my mother would literally have killed her or disowned her.  Double standard??? Oh yes, big time!  I was always the maverick, at least within the limits I was allowed.  I was always out on a very short leash.  My sister was kept in a "cage".  She was always the "good girl", got straight A's, married the man my mother approved, etc, etc.  Years later it came out of her that she always resented the "freedoms" that my mother "allowed" me.   She could never confront our mother over the abuse that was aimed at her, instead she took it out on me and allowed the emotional abuse to be done to her own children.  All the while blaming me for the family problems.  As I said earlier, I had to disown them both 11 years ago this month.  No regrets!

As for being married, sorry, but, a woman who can appreciate and love me for who I am, is something very rare, very rare indeed.  15 years later.........NO regrets!

Peace

My mom was sometimes a somewhat bully, but nothing beyond normal.

I just hate it when mom shout at me to do the homework, so I voted the 'bully sometimes'. She might mean it good ofcourse. I think my father is however rather bossy and conservative which is a larger problem in my family. My big sis almost hate him. Once he killed her hamster because he meant it was animal abuse to keep a sick hamster alive (hamster's ribs were somewhat destructed, and the hamster possibly suffered pain). This was after my big sis had moved out of the house. The hamster was killed when she was at a visit.
My father often make fuss of things he doesnt think is right (in his very conservative way of thinking).

Whenever I think about how overbearing my mom is, I think about the people at the other extreme--parents who ignore them.
I think I got the better deal.

Mostly with family---some of my relatives still consider me to be the village idiot,
And wonder why I don't have anything to do with them.

My mother is a bully only because she will not leave me alone, she just keeps on coming, Me and my father (bipolar disorder) both find it extremely painful having her do this. Our only difference is that my father goes into meltdowns and I don't unless severely pushed, though I have gotten very close.