Aspies For Freedom

Even now, I've heard of teachers grabbing autistic kids by the chin and making them look at them. I can imagine that would be just about the worst thing to do to these kids.

Even though I was more tolerant to invasion of my personal space than other autistic children, I would have totally freaked out if somebody grabbed me and made me look at them! If I wasn't looking at them, it was probably because I didn't like the look of them!

I'd say it's the wrong way to go, as that is what was done to me.  Threats of being institutionalized, punishment if I didn't do what was expected, and on and on.  Pure hell!  I was lucky enough that I had sufficient intelligence to fight against "myself" in order to eventually conform well-enough, pretend, mimic or whatever I had to do, and I now pass as normal for the most part (as long as others don't get too close to me), but NOBODY understands the Herculean efforts that took, and still does take on a daily basis in order to keep up the pretense.  And STUDY?  Oh, man, I had to study (and still refer to the dictionary daily) EVERYTHING, right down to studying body language, emotions and how they are expressed correctly, communication, and on and on.  Even learning and practicing "self-control".  Very basic stuff, I see now, that NTs just sort of "learn" or know instinctively.  And I had to learn it all by myself.  And alone.  Thank God I also LOVED books and libraries!  The existence of the internet now has also been a life saver.  Sometimes I "forget" something I've read before, and still have to go back and refresh myself.    

I have found as I have gotten older now, that I don't have the physical stamina anymore to keep all that up (I get exhausted much more quickly), so I'm letting down that hypervigilence of watching myself to make sure I do EVERYTHING exactly correct so I'm not "found out" (plus, autism is at least well-known now, and a BIT more accepted in society than it was in my day).  The remainder of my life should prove interesting now (my older kids have noticed how "absent minded"? and confused I am now, and I laugh and just say how I've always been like that!  LOL  Which is SO true!)

Oh, I can't even begin to explain how badly that made me feel as a child.

The worst was when I got a bad score on a test I thought I'd nailed (this was Grade 4, I think, so 1978-ish) and to add to it, that teacher made us collect our tests at the front of the class. I had a small meltdown and turned to face the corner until I could collect myself.  The unsympathetic teacher grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him so he could hold my chin for eye contact. Unluckily for him, the edge of the blackboard caught me in the forehead when he did this and it broke the skin. After a very stressful 3 days of questioning about the incident that had me so rattled I couldn't return to that school, the teacher was fired without leave or pay and his teaching license in the state revoked. So I guess I 'won' that fight. Somehow. I just wish 'winning' had felt good in any way, I didn't even get to enjoy being in that school after 'forcing his retirement' which I have little doubt would have raised my standing amongst my peer group since everyone disliked him. Yeah, I won. <sarcasm> Wheeee! </sarcasm>

On the regression, I've experienced a serious regression as an adult due to several seriously emotionally damaging events. I just couldn't try that hard anymore to be 'normal' or (even just a bit odd), the energy's just not there anymore. The most marked has been a decline in my ability to communicate verbally. The big words just don't come anymore, thinking ahead before I speak wears me out so fast I find it almost impossible, all of my multitasking (which I was once very good at, 4 or 5 things at once) went away in the space of about a week. My only guess is some form of PTSD from 'the big meltdown' caused it, that or all the drugs they pumped into me over the following year did it.

Ok, now this statement just freaked me out!  I have been wondering since I found this site whether or not I should ask about "regression during adulthood."  Here is the thing I have found, but don't quite know what to make of it for certain, although I am not worrying about it, because physically and mentally, I'm feeling and doing just great!  (Believe me, my general PCP keeps my health up!)  But I am really curious about it.

I have experienced "regression", just like it is described in autistic children, more than just once.  It is more like a sudden regression (short term memory goes really haywire, motor skills take a sudden dive, searching for words becomes difficult and are REALLY hard to locate inside my brain, feels like my body is constantly trying to shut down, etc.)  I do come back (for lack of a better term), but not always up to exactly the same place as I was at before the "regression."  Man, this is hard to describe, other than to say it is what OGsama describes above, but it is a really sudden "dive".  Exactly like a computer that goes a little haywire and needs to reboot.  Once it reboots, it's ok to go again.  Or like an electrical short.  It is described in literature how some ASD children do a "sudden" regression at a certain young age, but what about adults?  With me, that sudden regression type of thing has happened at least a couple of times over the years.  (I'm thinking this sudden dive comes as a result of an accumulation of stress, but I can't point to anything specific, because nothing unusual or different happened in my life at the time - or maybe there was and it's a "trigger" that isn't being or can't be recognized.)  That is why I've had such intensive neurological workups (always finding that I'm basically healthy as a horse!)  NO neurological diseases of any kind (only the oddities they found via the evoked potentials that didn't mean much clinically speaking.  Other than I'm sort of "built" differently, is all.)  No strokes, no mental illnesses, it's not a nervous breakdown, etc. etc. etc.  Healthy as a horse!  Skills just regress.  Only tangible skills.  

And then, yes, there is also what I have noticed lately and would describe again as basically the same thing, but in even MORE exact terms as OGsama has just outlined.  This I attribute is just due to age (just as even NTs "slow down" as they get older), and due to my being too tired and having the lack of the same stamina as I had when I was younger to continue hiding who I really am, I also notice exactly what OGsama has said.  (I bet I'm being redundant here, as I tend to do that I've noticed.  But there is a difference between the sudden dive and the gradual one that I have noticed lately due to age.)

Overall, though, I'm finding that I'm just more like I was as a child and not really any "worse" at all!  And I haven't lost any "knowledge" or intelligence at all.  I keep "learning" just fine, etc., and am retaining everything I have learned up to now.

OGsama, I also wondered if PTSD might have something to do with it, but after MUCH observation of this phenomena, I ruled that one out personally (and surprisingly, I'm sure.)  So have physicians.  I attribute it to, if anything, as I have gotten older now, I am becoming or have become MORE relaxed about it all, so my true personality is once again emerging.

(Oh, and my typing is getting atrocious, in comparison to my usual standard and quality.  I noticed that at work first.  Some days much worse than others, even when I physically feel exactly the same.)  Everything just takes longer, but then again, is it really longer?  I've been accused in the past of my skills being really FASTER than normal.  (Another strange paradox.  I guess it depends on which skills we are talking about.)

Here is what I think I am beginning to notice (as far as differences between aspies and auties, because I do feel different that aspies in general).  Emotions.  (Ok...how to put THIS into words!)

I don't appear to have the fuller range of emotions that aspies have, describe and/or exhibit.  And/or nor are they "applied" or utilized (?) in the same manner, under the same circumstances, recognized in others as well or as often as aspies, etc. etc.  (Man, hard to explain.)

I know I have and can feel and express emotions, but do I have to even "intellectualize" my inner emotions first before I can show them appropriately?  (Appropriately is the key word there.)  Is THAT why most times I don't know WHAT it is I feel?  I have to try and "search" for them in my mind in order to try to make sense of them?  (Hard to explain.)  Ewwwwwwww....really odd, huh?  No WONDER I appear odd to others!  Jeez, that's only logical.

Ok...wait a second....I'm going out to the web to do a search.........

Oh, how uncanny!!!!!  The first two items that came up from a Google search are (can we use quotes taken from the web?):

The second one is from Temple Grandin (although she is talking about communicating feelings through the eyes - which I can relate, I took that eye test and had NO clue):

Ok...now I'm at a loss for words.  All I can say is "yep."

Ok...here come my "connections".....Temple says "...information stored in memory can be scanned at will without emotion."  My immediate response is "well, of course!", as yes, that is what I do, doesn't everybody?  

That might indeed explain why memories of my past "abusive" circumstances haven't resulted in any long-lasting damage to my "psyche", for lack of a better word.  See it?  There is a disconnect, which IS protective in a weird way, if we have experienced past abuses or bad experiences.  That explains why I can experience it (including emotionally) at that moment in time, file the memory away WITHOUT the emotion attached, and go back and search or talk about the experience objectively if I want.  That's why I can just "get on with it" after such things happen.  

Well, that also explains why I was told that I am or have not or do not have PTSD at all.  

Wow.................... (I want to chuckle about this for some reason.)

Enlightenment..........what a bizzarre and interesting phenomena!  (And I could have a wider range than I think I do, but I may have been accidentally correct when I said I don't utilize all of them or maybe haven't had need for all of them during my individual lifetime so far.)

I DO find, though, that I use sympathy a LOT.  I think I rely on that to make up for my lack of empathy (although I don't see empathy as an emotion, but that again would make sense, as I sometimes have to intellectually replace what I lack with an emotion or vice versa.)

  

Hey, it looks like I could possibly be replaced just like in "Stepford Wives"!  HAH!!!  

  

tenaciouscj:  What I had to learn was to reverse the order between showing emotion and/or intellect.

I tend to react "emotionally" first (hence the autistic child's emotional reactions instead of intellectual verbal ones?)  Still as an adult, I'd PREFER and have the "urge" to react or exhibit behavior emotionally first.  

NOW, as a conscious effort, I try my best to keep whatever emotional reaction that I feel first (which I can't always identify) from coming forward, and search and find a replacement for that emotion in and from my "intellectual" files.  (I think I'm going to utilize Temple's manner of explaining.)

I don't always exceed, though, even now.  If an emotion comes forward FIRST, I also have the ability to then separate it from the intellectual information about the experience, and file them BACK away in separate files.  If and when I utilize my memory, I can then decide which files I want to connect....I can remember and neutrally explain the emotion I felt at the time OR I can remember and neutrally explain the actual details of the event.  Or I can decide to explain both.  BUT, what I felt THEN isn't going to be what I "feel" NOW while remembering it.  That was then, this is now.  

Hard to explain............But certainly interesting!

Oh...and then I had to consciously "learn" how to express both of the above correctly, for lack of a better word, as my behavior (as Cousin explained in another thread) is "assumed" by NTs as being something other than what it is.

So, again, in addition to THOSE two so-called disconnects, there is the additional disconnect of HOW to exhibit any of the above behaviorally-speaking.

Again, I have to say, no WONDER I'm tired and like to be left alone a lot!!  

Not to mention, learn "language" and communication, physical skills, etc. all at the same time.  None of which I learned completely up to norm.

Man........how DID I do it?  Because I never had ANY kind of special education, etc.  None.

No wonder I regress from time to time.  Logically speaking, all of that has GOT to take a toll on a "body"!

This thread sparked me to surf on the topic.  I dont recall which link but it was helpful to me to find material about adults regressing after something traumatic in their life.  That is the boat I've been in since my father passed away 4 years ago.  I am 50 and had lived with Dad all my life. He was my hero, anchor and best friend. I won't go into the painful details but yeah, I'm having a struggle now.  When I told my sister this she said "Well, you had the rug pulled out from under you."  Somehow it helped to read some acknowledgement that, yes, this can happen. Makes me feel less confused and embarrassed