I have long suspected that my partner (male, aged 30) might be an Aspie, but was always put off by the fact that he is very social, loves people and people contact. At a personal development workshop he went on recently (at my insistence, because of the problems myself and the kids have with him) the facilitators told him they suspected he might have very mild AS, and introduced him to another guy there who does have AS. They found they had a lot in common - the way they think, the way they process information, awareness of all the patterns in the room, etc. So now we are wondering whether to go and get him assessed. He has lots of Aspie traits - the way his brain works, very black & white, can be quite obsessive, has obsessive interests that take up almost all his time, very task orientated, lack of empathy, does not understand the emotions of others, can't read between the lines, can't pick up subtle signs/expressions, can't read fiction, sensitive to light and noise, and plucks the hairs out of his back on a daily basis because he says they drive him crazy with itchiness (dunno if that is an Aspie trait, but it sure ain't normal!) and many more. He functions very well in everyday life outside the house, but his relationships with myself and the children are very difficult and I relate to so much that is written in the book "Aspergers in Love" about relationships between AS/NT couples. Until the workshop he did, he thought he was always right and we were always wrong and could not understand why we thought he was so rude/insensitive. Even though he is very social, I notice he usually dominates the conversation, and loves to inform and instruct whoever he is talking to. He usually does this appropriately, but I feel it is a bit strange that he does not usually want to know anything about the other person unless it relates to how he can help them or inform them. He has never asked me a single question about my past during our whole relationship. Any feedback? Are there any super social Aspies out there?
Yes, I think it is possible for someone to be very social and still be an Aspie and they will behave in a similar way to how you described ie. dominating the conversation and talking about their particular interests even when others might want to talk about something else after a while.
There is certainly a real diversity in autism.
I am sporadically gregarious. When the mood strikes me, I am extremely sociable. However, once I get into the social situation, I'm more of a spectacle than a participant.
I think people with an Aspie brain are likely to have certain difficulties in social situations, but that doesn't mean that (a) they can't still love to be social, (b) they can't learn to compensate, and © they can't actually be socially popular (I'm finding lots of Aspies to have wicked senses of humor).
It sounds like your partner enjoys social situations more than others enjoy having him in them. And he is oblivious to that difference. Sounds very Aspie to me.
Yes, I think it is possible for someone to be very social and still be an Aspie
I think so too
Thanks everybody for the helpful replies. It is interesting to hear your comments. I'm still not convinced he can wear the full Aspie title though. To answer DW a mom, when I think about him socially, isn't accurate to say he enjoys social situations more than others enjoy having him in them. His friends adore him and love going out with him, having him at parties etc and even though he can dominate conversations, he seems to have a gift of knowing what the other person might want to talk about, so he doesn't come across as inappropriate. I would go so far as to say he is very adept socially and people find him interesting. When doing all the AQ quotient test (he got 35, which is apparently a likely Aspie score) we talked about this and he said he has never felt uncomfortable in social situations, not as a kid or at any age. He can get on with just about anyone and can even do social chit chat. And he has a great sense of humour. BUT he cannot chit chat or hold a normal conversation with my children aged 13 and 10 - he comes across either as a silly competitive older sibling, or bossy and obsessive telling them what to do. He is doing better with this since finding out about the possible AS - the bossy and obsessive part anyway. His brain seems to work on previous programming - and he seems to have had very good social skills programmed in from his parents. His Aspie traits socially seem to show far more when he is under pressure, for example when he has come home from a hard day at work and is tired.
Sorry to write so much but he is such a complex character and I could go on describing him for hours! What do you all think - is is really possible to be completely socially comfortable and come across as normal AND be an Aspie?
Roselady, are you sure we are not in a relationship with the same person? Well my husband is 27 and we live in Australia, so obviously it can't be! There is no point describing my husband at all, you have just done that!! EXACTLY.
After finding out that my son has ASD, we did a lot of reading on that. My husband came across so many articles and other info on websites about Aspergers's and he feels that he fits in very well. The only thing we have been skeptical about is that he can be quite social. Although he prefers his own company, he doesn't have problems socially interacting except that he doesn't know when to shut up.
For example, if I want to ask him ONE small question about something that is of interest to him, like engineering (he has a PhD in electrical engineering), I usually don't bother asking because I know I am going to get a full oral presentation about it, to the point where I actually start rolling my eyes to show him I am bored sh!tless. This still does not make him stop, and he may even get pen and paper out to draw something to better explain it, even though I tell him "please, enough".
He sometimes also mistakes small social chit chat with having to explain things thoroughly.
He did one of the Aspergers tests that I found on this forum and he scored quite high, not AS but almost there. I think he scored 28. :?: :?: :?:
It is also possible to have MOST of the genes involved in Aspie wiring, but not all of them. You'll see me describe myself at times in this forum as more NT than Apsie, and that is because I see pieces of myself in the Aspie traits, but have become comfortable that I am NOT Aspie. I did have enough genes for them to get together with my husband's genes and create a true Aspie child, however.
My son is somewhat social by nature, but it is taking training for him to learn to do it "right." He does have my husband superb sense of humor, though, so once he learns to control his more annoying bad habits, he may well become popular. We'll have to see.
My husband is more Aspie, but while others adore having him around, he isn't comfortable in social situations.
All in all, I do think it's possible but not likely, to have a very social Aspie. One key that has helped me realize that while I may have some Aspie traits, I am not Aspie, has been reading posts around this forum. People here THINK differently than I do. The method of processing and sharing information is different. I read and I know I'm not like that.
It won't really matter at this stage of your boyfriends life, but it could be interesting to read more.
PS - what draws my son to want to be social, I think, is that he is a senosry seeker in this area. I don't think he wants the emotional closeness as much as the physical and mental stimulation that comes from interacting with others. As a baby he always crawled right up to the other babies and started "exploring."
More interesting replies. Firefoxy, it was awesome to hear your hubby is so similar - how fascinating! From what I have read, they come under the category of "Spielberg" AS. Does your hubby have difficulty with spelling and grammar? Mine can hardly handwrite and only in capitals.
Since I last wrote, I have read "Aspergers in Love" by Maxine Aston about a million times and scribbled a million notes in it. After reading it I was left with not a shadow of doubt that my partner has AS. It does mention that an Aspie can appear to have one of the triad of impairments missing, though more likely that it is just less affected and you have to look harder to see the impairment. I have thought carefully and asked a couple of our friends and they have commented about how he can go on and on about a topic without picking up that they have long switched off. And I can see this myself. What you described Firefoxy about regretting asking him something because the intense, lengthy reply is just not worth the trouble, my man does this too. Hey I would love to connect with you more, is it the done thing to exchange email addresses on this forum and would you be willing? I am finding things pretty difficult to come to terms with especially given that his parents are unsupportive at the moment - they are convinced we just have Venus & Mars issues (um, if that is the case why are the worst problems to do with how he relates to the KIDS????). We are getting counselling shortly on managing the AS in the family, and will seek a diagnosis soon too - the person we want to do it is overseas at the moment. I am sure it will all work out - but right now I feel like going on a permanent holiday.
Empathy: 8
Systemising: 44
AS Quotient: 32/35 (he did it twice)
Mind in the Eyes: 22
And me, a definite NT:
Empathy: 71
Systemising: 18
AS Quotient: 8
Mind in the Eyes: 33
When I was in my mid-20s I made a concerted effort to learn how to do social interactions better--took classes in basic listening skills, and put myself into situations that exposed me to unfamiliar and potentially embarrassing contexts (e.g., like skinnydipping). This was all beneficial to me. Now, 30 years and tons of practice later, I actually have people comment to me about how adept I seem with people. This makes me very secretly amused. So...I can do the social thing but it exhausts me, except for when it's with friends, one at a time or a small group. I opt out of invites to bars and parties generally.
Can aspie be social? Sure. Talkative? Yeah. But sometimes it can wear you out much easier. Sometimes I am in parties etc and with everyone else talking around me, I just want to hide in a corner somewhere for a while before perhaps coming back again. That's just the way it is, but I can still talk to people about stuff.
I think that it is definitely a more "information-based" interaction, though, because... I dunno. Just because. Also, get me onto an interesting subject, and JUST TRY AND STOP ME!!!
DW a mom wrote "People here THINK differently than I do." I'd be interested to know some examples of how.
I think it's possible for us to be social but just with people we feel comfortable with.
At the least hint of a censorious attitude, we tend to retreat back into our shells.
I think this Venus/Mars thing is mostly rubbish. I read the book but the guy who wrote it impressed me as having very male chauvinistic attitudes. At least he saw the light in his second marriage and did something about his attitudes. For that, he is to be commended.
Meh I love all that NT stuff nowerdays ;p makes my heart sing lol