Aspies For Freedom

I have been dating R (I will refer to him with the first initial of his name) for 2 ½ years and for 1 ½ years I have known of his Asperger’s.
A couple of years ago he had asked if I wanted to live with him. We looked at several houses and one day he told me he could not do it because he finds it difficult to live with someone. So he said he would continue to live in his current condo. I told him I wanted to go ahead and buy a condo myself and he offered to help me with a bigger down payment in which I declined the offer. Later that summer he told me had been house hunting and was going to buy a house anyway without me. I was crushed and broke up with him. We still kept in contact (more me) and eventually mended our differences and became a couple again. I live in my new condo and he in his new house. I come over every weekend to his house and sometimes he does come over to mine.
I have tried to be understanding and let him be who he is. BUT his cruel comments; although he is visibly remorseful after these outbursts and he does apologize, with no coercing on my end; I could not continue to tolerate.
I recently broke it off with him (again) after his latest outbursts. I had some belongings at his place and quietly packed my things and left. That was about a month ago. We have been in contact a couple times and I explained to him I was very tired of our living arrangement and wanted someone who wants to share a life together not just on the weekends. He said he needed to think over how he feels about me and he would contact me in a few weeks. I do miss him terribly and have not picked up the phone to call him in a couple of weeks. From all that I have explained my question is …. If he does call me back and he does not want to compromise should I give this relationship another chance?
Thanks for advice given …….

If he's not willing to compromise in any way, I'd say no.  However, it may be that he's very concerned about his personal space or a need for privacy, and if that's so, maybe you could work things out by having separate rooms or something.  

As for cruel comments, I don't know exactly what you mean.  If it's a matter of his being oblivious, that's one thing.  If it's a matter of his refusing to control his temper, that's another.  Tolerance is one thing...putting up with verbal abuse is another.  Just because someone is an aspie doesn't mean he or she doesn't have to practice self-control in a relationship.  A diagnosis isn't a free pass to treat your partner like crap.

You sound like you're willing to go a long way to make this work, and that's admirable, but it has to come from both sides.  If he's trying, and you can tell, then it might be worth another go.  But if you're the only one willing to give a little to work things out, it's probably not worth the heartache.

I hope you hear back from him and it's good news.  Good luck.

lrg, forget the aspergers, this could be any man who doesnt want to live with someone.
He is not going to change.

You want him, you want him back, and you want him to change.

For HIS sake dont go back with him. He deserves someone who can accept him as he is, not someone who wants him to change, then leaves, comes back and all that.

Leave him alone and forget about him, it sounds like you have issues that you need to deal with yourself.

Elanivalae,

It has been verbal and with all the adapting I have done enough is enough.
I dearly love this man and do except who he is as a person.We have talked about having our own bedrooms and the need for personal space and that is ALL okay with me.We could have a nice life together.
Whatever the outcome, all I know is that I have to stand my ground on this one and I am not asking him to change at all.
BUT there does need to be SOME compromise.
Thanks.

Amy,

Yes it could be any man who does not want to live with someone not just an AS person.
This about compromise NOT change. I am an adaptable person and have gone to far and I have had to change.
And for MY sake I should have the best thing for ME.

Yeah, there does.  Just...don't make the mistake a lot of women do and assume that someone's that unwilling to compromise just  because of his AS, or that all aspie guys are like that.  We as a group get a lot of hate press and a bad reputation for the actions of certain people who aren't willing to compromise, or who aren't ready for a relationship like that, and it contributes to the pervasive idea that people on the spectrum can't have a love relationship.  And that idea hurts everyone.

It's good that you're standing your ground...all manner of things are negotiable in a life together, but respect certainly shouldn't be one of those things.

Then you know it is to not go back with him.

Because he won't change, nor should he have to.

R emailed me and said he wanted to meet and talk. It maybe good , it may not but I want to hear what he has to say.
Just a bit of a background on how I ended up at this website.
I have a 26 year old nephew who is Autistic and my sister has been very active in Autistic Society on a local and national level. (So my family has the A gene too!)
One day about a 1 ½ year ago my sister and I were talking, telling her the difficulties I was having with R. It was a light bulb moment when she said he has all the traits of a person with Asperger’s Syndrome. I began to read through all the information I could find on the subject and concluded this is R. It all made perfect sense to me.
He has been diagnosed over a year now and for him it is somewhat of a relief and also a bit of a let down that he not as "individual" as he thought.
But he is to me and hope it will turn out for the best for both of us whatever that may be.Thanks

Hey Good luck! Just chill and relax and he'll feel betetr too and enjoy every moment you'll spend together...
I'm sure you'll find the solution or decide the right thing...and if it doesnt turn out so well in the end, well you tried! which is more than what most people would do for love.
I wish you two the best!

Asira:

Well we met and talked and he asked me for my hand in marriage!!!!!!!
We are both so happy!!!!!!! I am THRILLED!!!!!!!!! LRG soon to be LRH

:grin:  OH MY! Thats lovely!... I wish you all the best! congrats!...

It may not be easy but then life was never easy...and love is very worth it...it'll be a long journey but very special too...