I am convinced that my boyfriend is an aspie, however he's never been diagnosed. The more he has learned about it, the more I think he is thinking the same thing. I love him incredibly, but sometimes the things he says are hard to accept - and arguments can escalate very quickly, even when we have been having a great day together.
My little bro was diagnosed at a young age, and is now applying for colleges. I grew up with him, and am very familiar with what being an aspie is about. I love it, I love him, it has been a learning process for the family, but not a bad one! But the more I got to know my bf, the more I realized that he may also have a.s.
However, being in a relationship is totally different from a family member. What are peoples' views on an aspie/NT marriage? Can it work? Sometimes I feel like I'll be giving up something, because he is never very interested in me or my life. I know that's not true, but I like to be asked "how was your day" or "how did that make you feel". He never does that. I don't see/feel/hear the unconditional love, but I know it's there. I trust and believe him 100% that he loves me. Maybe it is my problem to overcome? We have been together a year, and I am his first major relationship, minus a few botched attempts he had in the past. I just wonder if I'm going to be let down by investing so much time and emotion into a relationship that he may not be capable (?) of having. Maybe I should just stop typing and see what people have to say about this...
Oh that is definitely possible. I don't think for a minute that I'm anywhere near the level of my brother, or bf, or even my Dad possibly for that matter. I have either learned to be tolerent and understanding, or yes maybe I have some of it too. But I won't pretend to have the challenges that they have had socially. That's something I didn't experience very much, and it would be insulting to them to say that I'm the same way.
So yes, maybe it would work out wonderfully. Who knows. As my bf likes to say - 50% of marriages end in divorce, the other 50% end in death! Hehe
I just worry that my emotional needs won't be met, and that it will end up driving me crazy and I will feel alone later in life.
I need to think about that question. My first thought is that I have lowered my needs to accomodate what he can give.
I am convinced that my boyfriend is an aspie, however he's never been diagnosed. The more he has learned about it, the more I think he is thinking the same thing. I love him incredibly, but sometimes the things he says are hard to accept - and arguments can escalate very quickly, even when we have been having a great day together.
My little bro was diagnosed at a young age, and is now applying for colleges. I grew up with him, and am very familiar with what being an aspie is about. I love it, I love him, it has been a learning process for the family, but not a bad one! But the more I got to know my bf, the more I realized that he may also have a.s.
However, being in a relationship is totally different from a family member. What are peoples' views on an aspie/NT marriage? Can it work? Sometimes I feel like I'll be giving up something, because he is never very interested in me or my life. I know that's not true, but I like to be asked "how was your day" or "how did that make you feel". He never does that. I don't see/feel/hear the unconditional love, but I know it's there. I trust and believe him 100% that he loves me. Maybe it is my problem to overcome? We have been together a year, and I am his first major relationship, minus a few botched attempts he had in the past. I just wonder if I'm going to be let down by investing so much time and emotion into a relationship that he may not be capable (?) of having. Maybe I should just stop typing and see what people have to say about this...
My wife married an aspie. We have been together since (I should remember the date!!!) 1980. We have had a few rough spots- communication disconnects and a few (I have read later) emotion-sharing and the "space" issues of some AS-NT couples. I am fortunate because my wife saw past the AS when we met. What made us both more at ease was recently reading a book called "Solutions for Adults With Asperger Syndrome". I've known I was 'different' since age six; suspected AS the last 5 years but reading the book and AS websites like this one have helped. I'm not so sure you should see your differences as just something you have to overcome (your full responsibility or a herculean task) My view is, AS or NT behaviors are not wrong or bad; both just need to be understood. Maybe both of you can make it a project to read about AS and NT behaviors- (though I'm not so sure how receptive I would have been to getting an AS book from my wife ten or more years ago).
Wow, well thank you everyone for taking the time to really respond to my post. For fun, we both took the 50question aspie test by Dr. Baron Cohen.. my bro scores a 39 on it. My bf got a 31, which is about what I'd predicted. Of course the questions are kind of goofy, but it was interesting to talk about.
Anyhow, I think that we have a good future ahead of us, and your advice was much needed and will be taken seriously. I'm really happy to know that many NT/AS couples thrive on their differences. I think that a relationship that takes a lot of communication would have a better shot at lasting, and that is one thing that I love about us. We are always talking, and he is not afraid to ask me questions, or let me know when a situation or conversation is uncomfortable to him. I have never dated a guy that did that! lol
My aspie husband never asks me such questions, and he never gives compliments either, and that's just the way I like it. If he started asking about my feelings or giving compliments it would make me wonder what he was "up to", I'd possibly feel manipulated, I'd feel like I was being watched or scrutinized for some reason, and I'd possibly wonder if he were turning gay!
And a mambo dogface in your banana patch, too. I do ask my wife about how she feels--its' the only way I'll know. I also compliment her, although I've been told that what I choose to complement can be a bit idiosyncratic. I haven't "turned gay". That's just plain STUPID. Since when is it "gay" to pay attention to such things in a woman?
I believe that Aspergians are more capable of a strong, longlasting bond of love than NTs, because we like things to remain the same, and we get obsessive about the same subjects over and over. Since your brother is Aspergian, you could have a couple of Aspergian traits, and your boyfriend is thought to be an Aspergian, too, so I guess the love bond there is strong enough for a lifelong marriage.
The reason why I think so is because I am Aspergian, and the only real crush I have had lasted for 4 months and still thrives to this day. The crush of an NT only lasts for a week to a month, right? That has to count for something. It isn't a love for his appearance (Even though he's somewhat chubby, making him look cute) or his pants (which are awesome), but for his personality and the kind of person he is.
Oh, and the amount of divorces in Aspergian marriages are really low.
Wouldn't it be hard to marry many Aspie women if many Aspie women are asexual and like the woman in that Psychology Today article report difficulty with "love"? I have also read here from some women that they play with their children- I have read that many Asperger girls do not want to become teenagers, teenagers do not want to become women, difficulties with physical maturation, even some difficulties with, ummmmmm, s_x. It would be hard to find them if they are one in 150 women.
On the other hand they are often strikingly intelligent.
I might as well come out and suggest some Aspie women might have issues with maturity. I am not sure if I read that in the Psychology Today article or on this blog. A teenager wishing to stay a child, woman wishing to stay a teenager, and so on. The asexuality may be part of that, and yes it does concern a healthy heterosexual guy, although probably a lot less at 40 than it did at 20.
This sounds too much like Monty Python The Meaning of Life, and the Protestants. "We have two kids, and........ we could......"
I might as well come out and suggest some Aspie women might have issues with maturity. I am not sure if I read that in the Psychology Today article or on this blog. A teenager wishing to stay a child, woman wishing to stay a teenager, and so on. The asexuality may be part of that, and yes it does concern a healthy heterosexual guy, although probably a lot less at 40 than it did at 20.
This sounds too much like Monty Python The Meaning of Life, and the Protestants. "We have two kids, and........ we could......"
And I could say that some* Aspie men have a much bigger issue with maturity. Like refusing to recognise it in others and refusing to apply it to their own lives. Blaming their lack of success with relationships on the general failings of the opposite sex instead of getting their own life in order and taking a big dose of humility.
I know nothing whatsoever about gay, lesbian or bi love. So I say/write absolutely nothing on the subject.
I know that I am capable of intense love and affection, as are all my Aspie friends and relatives. But I had to start from the premise that all people are intrinsically loving and lovable, and take it from there. Of course, I know I'm wrong and that there are some truly horrible people on this planet but I don't assume that the next person I meet will be one of them.
Stop making "Women are..." statements and start seeing us as people.
Individual, wonderfully different people!
*OK, one.
Hey! Welcome!
Yep, I have to say that most of the happiest, most long-lasting marriages I have known have had at least one Aspie partner.
Different isn't wrong.
That's OK, I reckon I'm pretty braindead too!
Which morning? It's twenty-five to one on Tuesday morning here...
On Monday? That must be the USA, I suppose? I'm in Australia; AEST (Australian Eastern Standard Time) is fifteen hours ahead of you.
Don't worry about detours - all the best threads on AFF have quite a few! And sometimes, a thread becomes an extremely interesting one on a totally different topic that goes for several hundred posts!
But I can see that this detour is a dead end!
Off to PM-land we go!
Back to marrying an Aspie -- which is something I'll be doing in less than a week... And the Aspie will be marrying an ADDie.
I'm a big believer in therapy and coaching and classes and such. Just struggling through without support and resources is just unnecessarily difficult and painful and unlikely to be successful.
last week Erich and I had one of those moments when his Aspieness collided with my ADDieness and we decided to talk to a couples counselor. I did some online research, some e-mailing with a couple of "experts" and was able to find a couples therapist with specialties in both asperger's and ADHD.
We met with her yesterday and I was really pleased. It was great to talk to a therapist where we won't have to spend the first nine sessions teaching her how ADHD and Asperger's work. Why pay HER $125 x 9 for US to be doing all the teaching?)
A "regular" therapist constantly misinterprets what I do or think, and what Erich does and thinks, because they don't understand what is a result of our neurodiversity.
I would really recommend finding someone with particular training and experience with asperger's for any NT marrying an Aspie. And training in ADHD for anyone marrying an ADDie.