Can you consider this possibilty - AS is genetic and as you have a brother with it, you could have AS traits yourself, and this is what attracted you to your boyfriend.
He may be aspie and you part-aspie, so a marriage could work really well.
And remember the NT-NT divorce rate is around 50% anyway.
Is he meeting your emotional needs at the moment? He should get to know you more as time goes by.
Amy has asked some good questions.
I am more NT than Aspie, albiet with some Aspie traits, and am married to a man that is far more Aspie than I am.
I think the question to ask is how much he is willing to grow and change to allow you to flourish in the relationship, and how much are you willing to grow and change to allow him to flourish?
He can learn to ask things like, "how was your day?"
You can learn to accept a more quiet affirmation as the expression of love you need.
My husband I balance out pretty well on those things. And we've both learned to adjust a bit. He has a large need for personal space; I have to accept that. I don't argue with him; it's useless, it will just escalate into abuse. I quietly state a few points and allow him to chew on it for a few days. When he's ready, he'll come back to the discussion. And we'll reach a calm, rational decision that meets both our needs.
He's had to learn to control his temper. He was willing to engage in counseling for that. I really appreciate his willingness to say, "this one thing about me is not very good, and I'll work on it."
He loves my confidence and business sense. He leans on that a lot. He's done things with me he never would have tried on his own, but that he always wanted.
He does most of the laundry; I quietly close all the cupboard doors he always leaves open.
Like anyone else, NT or Aspie, he's a bundle of traits, many of which I didn't see clearly until after a few years of marriage. But, he's a work in process, and so am I. What makes it work is
(a) A strong sense of shared values
(b) That each is willing to adapt and adjust
© We talk
Anyway, best of luck to you.
Aspies can make great partners, but if he isn't capable of filling your unique needs (as v. wants), then neither one of you will be happy. Only you can decide that.
I need to think about that question. My first thought is that I have lowered my needs to accomodate what he can give.
What is/would be his reaction to specific requests for more demonstration of his feelings in ways you can recognize?
For example, my husband being both aspie and hispanic, he would think nothing of telling me when I get fat. But when I explained to him that gringas, even aspie ones such as me, do not like to be told that in that way, well, he was sorry and tries to remember not to tell me something like that.
However, being in a relationship is totally different from a family member. What are peoples' views on an aspie/NT marriage? Can it work? Sometimes I feel like I'll be giving up something, because he is never very interested in me or my life. I know that's not true, but I like to be asked "how was your day" or "how did that make you feel". He never does that. I don't see/feel/hear the unconditional love, but I know it's there. I trust and believe him 100% that he loves me. Maybe it is my problem to overcome? We have been together a year, and I am his first major relationship, minus a few botched attempts he had in the past. I just wonder if I'm going to be let down by investing so much time and emotion into a relationship that he may not be capable (?) of having. Maybe I should just stop typing and see what people have to say about this...
If he loves you, and you love him, and you are both willing to compromise to meet each others' needs, you have nine tenths of a successful relationship there already. Hell, most of the NT/NT couples out there can't manage to achieve that.
It's about balance, compromise, and communication. My husband, who is NT, has had to learn the difference between my being uninterested in his life and my not knowing how to express interest. He has had to learn to deal with my sensory issues and the bafflement that arises when he tries a joke or funny anecdote on me that any other woman would probably get in an instant. I have had to learn how to be less bullheaded and inflexible. I have had to learn how to express interest in something that doesn't necessarily interest me because he finds it interesting and it means a lot to him to share interests with me. I have had to learn to apologize sincerely for things that I can't imagine why someone else would be bothered or offended by.
A serious aspie/NT relationship is hard work, at least until you hit your stride. You have to be willing to define your boundaries, your difficulties, and your strengths, even if it takes arguments, tears, and rude awakenings. He has to be willing to meet you halfway, and you need to be willing to not patronize him. He needs to learn to communicate his emotions in ways that will make you feel loved, and you need to give him the kind of honesty and respect that make a strong relationship.
Is all the effort worth it? We think so. Every day of my life I have the supreme joy of knowing that someone loves me for who I am and not "despite" my being an aspie. He says that every day I bring him a fresh perspective on life that he would never have had any other way. Struggling with issues arising from our differences has given us a more mature, secure relationship than most people our age have, and we are able to weather external difficulties with a lot more confidence.
I guess it all comes down to a rather simple, if kind of cruel, question: do you love him for him, idiosyncracies and all, or do you love him for what he might be like if only? If it's the latter, it's not worth putting either of you through. If it's the former, it's certainly worth a try. I don't believe for a second that aspies are incapable of having fulfilling long-term relationships...I just don't think that always means the exact same thing for us that it might for the typical NT person, and both people have to keep that in mind.
Good luck.
Coconut4me wrote
Sometimes I feel like I'll be giving up something, because he is never very interested in me or my life. I know that's not true, but I like to be asked "how was your day" or "how did that make you feel". He never does that.
I think it's interesting that people assume that it can only be a beneficial and desirable thing to be asked such questions. I think it shows how much the feminized, neurotypical way of thinking about relationships dominates our cultures (western NT culture and aspie culture too).
My aspie husband never asks me such questions, and he never gives compliments either, and that's just the way I like it. If he started asking about my feelings or giving compliments it would make me wonder what he was "up to", I'd possibly feel manipulated, I'd feel like I was being watched or scrutinized for some reason, and I'd possibly wonder if he were turning gay!
Coconut4me wrote
Sometimes I feel like I'll be giving up something, because he is never very interested in me or my life. I know that's not true, but I like to be asked "how was your day" or "how did that make you feel". He never does that.
I think it's interesting that people assume that it can only be a beneficial and desirable thing to be asked such questions. I think it shows how much the feminized, neurotypical way of thinking about relationships dominates our cultures (western NT culture and aspie culture too).
My aspie husband never asks me such questions, and he never gives compliments either, and that's just the way I like it. If he started asking about my feelings or giving compliments it would make me wonder what he was "up to", I'd possibly feel manipulated, I'd feel like I was being watched or scrutinized for some reason, and I'd possibly wonder if he were turning gay!
Expressing emotions or interest in emotions or giving compliments has nothing to do with sexual orientation, and besides which, people don't "turn gay". Some people enjoy those kinds of interactions, and others don't, and that's all it is.
I think the main thing is that Lili and her husband communicate in a way that works for them, and that the rest of us do, too... or if not, we need to figure out how to.
Communication styles have to be personal preference, and each couple has to agree on what works for them, whether it makes sense to outsiders or not.
Fructose wrote
I congratulate you for finding such an understanding husband, Lili.
He isn't "understanding" or a martyr of especially worthy or kind, he's just compatible, my type, an appropiate choice of partner for me. I didn't "find" him, we found each other.
If I (for some crazy reason) had to live with and NT partner that situation would require me to show an extraordinary amount of patience and understanding of his trying and irrational ways. I'd have to make an effort not to lose my patience when putting up with a lot of unnecessary chatter and silly questions and idiotic assumptions, and I'd have to endure many long and tiring hours of having our home invaded by his noisy and uninteresting friends, who I'd have to pretend to like. I'd never have a moment's peace, and he's think his unwanted attention was doing me a favour. All this for a man who is too much of a girly-man to be really appealing to me. I do know what living with an NT male is like, I've done it before.
Yes, well that is what some people forget. They think it is bad for Aspies to get together because they "won't be able to sustain a caring relationship". :roll:
My unofficial aspie parents are getting their divorce final today. My husband and myself (also unofficial aspies) plan to stay together forever.
I think that just as in NT/NT or NT/AS (etc.) marriages, there are some people, like my father, who should never have gotten married in the first place because they are not up for that commitment. Sure his selfishness and irresponsability played out in certain stereotypical ways becos he is aspie, but I think if he were NT he could have just been selfish and irresponsable in different ways.
While I have problems with the idea of personality types either inside or outside the spectrum, I do think that there are some personalities of aspies who are incompatible with each other, just as there are some personalities of (anybody) who are incompatible. I wonder if my parents would have gotten along with someone, if they had found the right kind of person. They were together for almost 40 years, but only about the first half of that time were they happy and getting along. On the other hand if they had found other people early on, I might not exist... which seems simpler, somehow... but, things being as they are I am pretty happy to be alive (unlike the half-depressive sound of this post).
I might as well come out and suggest some Aspie women might have issues with maturity. I am not sure if I read that in the Psychology Today article or on this blog. A teenager wishing to stay a child, woman wishing to stay a teenager, and so on. The asexuality may be part of that, and yes it does concern a healthy heterosexual guy, although probably a lot less at 40 than it did at 20.
This sounds too much like Monty Python The Meaning of Life, and the Protestants. "We have two kids, and........ we could......"
And I could say that some* Aspie men have a much bigger issue with maturity. Like refusing to recognise it in others and refusing to apply it to their own lives. Blaming their lack of success with relationships on the general failings of the opposite sex instead of getting their own life in order and taking a big dose of humility.
I know nothing whatsoever about gay, lesbian or bi love. So I say/write absolutely nothing on the subject.
I know that I am capable of intense love and affection, as are all my Aspie friends and relatives. But I had to start from the premise that all people are intrinsically loving and lovable, and take it from there. Of course, I know I'm wrong and that there are some truly horrible people on this planet but I don't assume that the next person I meet will be one of them.
Stop making "Women are..." statements and start seeing us as people.
Individual, wonderfully different people!
*OK, one.
Yes, got it in one! Shrek, I sense in you a great deal of ambivalence about commitment. If only you could be honest with yourself and others that you have these mixed feelings instead of blaming women for not liking you because you are plump (I have seen some really obese men or women with obviously loving relationships) or for whatever other reason.
I suppose it's similar to a totally NT couple getting together. I am aspie and my husband is NT, but he is my soul mate!!!! he puts up with my shenanigans, and he gets the pleasure of having my devotion!!! I am very lucky to have a man like him in my life that NEVER saw me as weird....because he's weird. So aspies and NT's can mix, and get married just like anybody!!!
7. Oh, I'm sure he will be all right.