Aspies For Freedom

My partner seems to think that his family and friends would tell him to dump me, 'run a mile' as he put it, if they knew how my AS affects him.

I said he had told me that whatever they said would make no difference to him. But he said he didnt need that stress right now, which I understand.

But is it true? Has this been other people's experience? That NT friends and family of the NT partner have advised the NT that is close to them and they care about to leave the aspie the NT is invovled with?

My partner told his doctor about me and the doctor didnt advise my partner to leave me. But that is a doctor, of course, who does have experience with aspies.

I dont know what to think. Am I so bad? So difficult? At other times my partner has said that everybody loves me (except my family (not including my mother)). But then they dont know about my 'problems'. Is it true that if they did they wouldnt like me anymore and would think I am bad for my partner? Are we really such an anathema to NTs? I find that hard to believe reading the posts from NTs here, including the ones who have helped me with their posts.

I feel really scared and alone now because I only have my mother who I cant see very often and one friend or two friends I dont see that much either. They rest are my partners friends and family who I thought had adopted me. But on false pretences I guess, if what my partner says is true.

Can anyone help me with this please?

I think your boyfriend may have issues that have nothing to do with you.

He communicates what seem to me to be odd things ... like in this example.

It seems easy for him to get evasive, based on the other thread.

No one that I know what advise someone to dump someone based on AS or non-AS.  What a parent is going to look at is how the relationship benefits or does not benefit their child.  Is it adding stress?  Or is the adult child growing as a person?  Is the adult child getting what they seem to need?  Is the adult child behaving appropriately towards the gf/bf (I wouldn't want to see my son abusing someone)?

But, it is also possible he has a superficial or disfunctional family that can only accept you if you have the same religion/nationality/interests that they do.

How long have you been dating?  I'm inclined to say not to worry about it all at this point in the relationship, but that will depend on how long you have been together.  People do evolve and grow together.

BUT, if he is making you uncomfortable more often than not, and this has been going on past the first few dates, I wouldn't stay with him.  No fault needs to be assigned to either of you, you just may then not be a match.  A good relationship makes you feel good, more often than not.

I cant agree with DW.

I think his relatives might tell him to dump you. I have had similar experience, NTs like people the same as them, and can be nice outwards, but privately act very differently.

He's keeping you on your toes, maybe intentionally.  Play it cool for a while, then if he gets needy you know he was playing (and you should consider whether you want those games), otherwise maybe he really wants away.  People rarely make decisions to please others, though they do use that as an excuse.

But it still wouldnt be end of game, because even if they told him to dump you it doesnt mean that he would do it.

He must love you to be with you.

This is the part that bothers me, when you talk about your relationship.  The part that makes me wonder what kinds of issues HE has.  There is a possibility of emotional abuse in these types of actions by him, if I'm going to be blunt about it.  You shouldn't need a thick skin to shield you from your partner's comments.  He should be accepting you, in reality, not saying he is accepting you while trying to control you by pointing out all your weaknesses.  This is tough to get a handle on from a few posts, obviously, but I hope it is something you will consider.

Is he making you feel confident and strong, more often than not, or making you feel weak or unsettled, more often than not?

From what you've said, I expect his family to accept you.  It seems they already have.  Adding a title to your uniqueness should not change that, once you've had a chance to fully explain to them what it means.

But a man who encourages you to keep secrets, and keeps giving you reasons for them, well, that concerns me.  Only you can decide if that concern is valid.

I've been thinking more about the original question and realized there is a different angle to it that I haven't been considering.  Which is, that there can be a difference between a person's willingness to accept a girlfriend or boyfriend as a person, and their preference to have that person's genes present in their grandchildren.

If a family has seen a lot of negative publicity on autism, and has read how it could be genetic, they might worry that having one of their children marry someone on the spectrum could increase the likelihood that one of their grandchildren would be severely autistic, and that this would be difficult for their child, as a parent, to deal with.

It isn't that parents want only "perfect" grandchildren.  It's just that they know raising children is difficult, and that raising children with unique needs is even more difficult.  They would, of course, love any grandchildren they receive, but what someone will accept and what someone will hope for are not usually the same things.

My father always cracked me up, because he decided early on in my dating life that since he wasn't likely to "like" anyone I dated, he was going to screen my boyfriends solely on the basis of how their physical looks genes might mix with mine, on the basis that he may as well hope for the cutest grandchildren possible.  It seems the genetic factors are something that enter a parent's head, when considering mates for their own children.

I do think there are ways to address this with potential in-laws, if it ever becomes clear they have some unspoken concern.

This doesn't change anything I've said before; it's just a different layer.

You are NOT damaged goods.

On the rest of it, I hope things improve as your boyfriend gets help with his medical problems.

Now THAT sounds like a unique flavor!  Don't think we have those here.

Enjoy your "you" time.

As for me ... I have a horrible work deadline coming up and I'm totally panicked so, of course, I'm wasting time on the internet instead.  Totally logical, right?

Sigh.  Better sign off.

Oh, I consider myself the lucky one, to have my son

Keez, please don't think that you are "damaged goods" or that you are a defective person because you have Aspergers.  

  ALL of us (NT, autistic, whatever) are good at some things and not good at others.   I can often look at a perfect stranger and tell what he is thinking and what emotions he is feeling from nothing more than a brief glance at his face.  If you have Aspergers, you probably can't do that.   I can read poetry that is very highly nonliteral and symbolic and figure out all sorts of cool things that the author is trying to communicate.   Big deal.  All that means is that I have certain abilities that you lack.  
  
BUT!  There are many things that I am not good at either.   I have a terrible memory, I have a poor eye for detail, and I am often so worried about what others think of me that it sometimes makes my life difficult and unpleasant.  

If you have Aspergers, that means that your pattern of strengths and weaknesses is different from mine.  But it's important to realize that NT have problems, failings, and weaknesses too.  I think it's important to keep in mind the things that you are good at, and help the NT you know to understand that your Aspergers makes you very good at certain things.  

I have just as many faults as you do -- it's just that someone has come up with a name for the particular pattern of strengths and weaknesses that you have.     

I think DW_a_mom is right -- your boyfriend's relatives might be scared that a possible future child will be severely autistic.  They may have heard news reports about 30 year old autistics with IQ's of 20 that have no use of language at all, aren't potty trained, and are prone to violent outbursts.   They may be quite scared that you will have a child that will be like that.  

They may also have misconceptions about autism -- for example, they may think that persons on the autism spectrum can't feel love.  If that's what your boyfriend's parents think, then they may be quite scared that their son is in a relationship with someone that they think can't love him.  I know that persons on the autism spectrum can feel love -- my son is autistic but he loves his family more than most NT children do.  However, if your boyfriend's family doesn't know this, it might be helpful to make sure they do understand.    

I don't know if this is true of Aspies or not, but NT tend to be very scared of things they don't understand.  Many NT react to things they don't understand by filling in the gaps in their knowledge with nonsense.  Unfortunately, most NT know virtually nothing about Aspergers, and they have lots of completely wrong ideas about it.

Heh I'm at work right now, and instead of doing the job I'm getting paid for, I'm posting on the internet.   :wink:

I'm very happy to have my autistic son.  I'd much rather have him than any of the NT idiots I went to school with!

Wow.....I do believe you have summed it up perfectly!

Dixie

After reading all your posts about your BF, i am hearing a noise,  It's the winching of a big red flag up a pole in the back of my head.

I don't like that he is saying things to make you feel guitly over the "difficulties" you cause him.

My father was verbally abusive and much of this sounds somewhat familiar. Even the part about getting medical attention.

When my Mom first seperated from him he started seeing a pych for his problems. Depression and all. Eventually this conviced my mom to go back to him. a few months later he dropped off going to the pych. A few years later he was back to his old ways. Even worse he was bitter about the seperation.

Mom moves to seperate again. And sure enough he back to the pych. this time he goes on anti-depressents. this time he really does change thanks to the drugs. And my Mom back off again. A year later when it is safe, he goes off the drugs without telling anybody and goes back to his old ways.  And he is even worse.  

Then my mom has had  it now and goes for seperation a third time. And he goes back on the drugs again(Or so he claims, I never believed that he did). My mom's says to the effect "I glad your getting help but I am still leaving". And now we are in our own house (Me with my own basement aprtment) and he is in his own apartment.

I going off topic.  I am not saying this is the case with your bf. I am not there, and I can only judge by what you say. I guess I am just trying to say that you shouldn't feel obliged to stay with him just because he is undergoing medical treatment. I don't know. Perhaps I am just warning you of a possiblity.

Nice to hear from you again, Keez  :grin:

Surely these things shouldn't matter if he really loves you?