We've been living together for nearly 2 years. His friends and family think I've been good for him. I also have DID (which his family dont know about) ME/PVFS and food allergies. He says its a lot ot cope with, for him. Except I think I deal with it all myself pretty much and pretty well. I have medical help for it all.
But I read that NT partners can have a tendency to feel responsible for the AS partner - overly so.
Maybe I should pre-empt and tell them all myself and let them say to him whatever they want. If they are like the NTs who did that to AMY, so be it.
End of game.
I think he loves me and I love him, I think we could be happy long-term. I wish I could develop the confidence to have a thick skin and not feel like a sick dog that has to be put down because nothing can be done for it or with it and its no good for anyone, every time he mentions all the things that are wrong with me.
Yes, I have been thinking about this for a long time. It came to a head today. I think I did get across how absolutely vital it is for him to address his issues as a special opportunity has come up for him to do so. I think he IS going to do something about it as our relationship is now on the line. His issue is an illness and his actions towards me are not personal.
It may be that in the course of the help I think he intends to get it will emerge whether it is best to tell his family and friends about me or not.
The children and genes point could be valid as although we have said we dont want any children as we each have one - neither lives with us, are grown up more or less - we are still young enough to do so and my partner's mother would like us to do so. My partner did have a reservation about it because of my genes but he may well have been joking I just have no way of knowing Im absolutely hopeless at telling when he is joking. His close family may well feel the same, yes it possible.
Omg I hate this feeling of damaged goods :/
You've helped me DW
I think your son is lucky to have you as his mum.
I feel ok now. Just take it as it comes. There are no guarantees in life are there. People either want to change or they dont.
Alone here, having a drink and eating Mango Chilli Kettle chips, doing some work on the PC with a movie in the background. Feels good, calm. Wish I could hand round the crips to all on the forum.
Glad you're on line DW
Keez
Oh SOJAW, out of everything you said what struck me most is your post about your son. I've just read it and Im sitting here crying. Bless you both for being just what you are. That is how my mother thinks about me
She said she wouldnt want me to be any different
I forgot that.
I have just as many faults as you do -- it's just that someone has come up with a name for the particular pattern of strengths and weaknesses that you have.
That was very reassuring It helps a lot to look at it that way.
NT tend to be very scared of things they don't understand
Yes I understand that. If I dont understand things in that I cant make sense of them I get confused and then scared but then I will seek an explanation, more information from people or the internet or books. But I understand the reaction.
So it makes sense what you say, that I would need to explain all that. They do know that I love their son/brother/friend but once they hearing the aspie word they might get worried, mightnt they. My partner is right that it would take a lot of effort explaining it all to everyone. But he has made a start I think.
THough he says its not just the aspergers although this is the thing that causes the most difficulties in the relationship. Its also DID and ME (which means I am physically limited to a degree). I am very wary about telling others about the DID - its just that I want him to have one or two other people to talk to, like I have this site. I read that's really important for NT partners of aspies.
I wish I could develop the confidence to have a thick skin and not feel like a sick dog that has to be put down because nothing can be done for it or with it and its no good for anyone, every time he mentions all the things that are wrong with me.
This is the part that bothers me, when you talk about your relationship. The part that makes me wonder what kinds of issues HE has.
Spot on! Sounds like this "boyfriend" has found a punching bag.
Remember - "forever" is a long, long, long time.
When I was younger, I thought that just being in love with someone was enough to build a strong relationship. After the infatuation wears off (sometimes a matter of months, sometimes years), you should be able to look across the breakfast table into the face of your best friend. The one who knows all about you and loves you anyway. Who always would pick you first for their team. Who would defend you always, even if they don't necessarily agree with your opinions. Who turns to you first - not parents, siblings, other 'friends'.
This person would put you ahead of anything else. You would be of the most value always. No one person is perfect, but he would think that you were the closest thing to perfection. If he doesn't, then you haven't met the "right" person yet. Enjoy what you can for this moment, but probably don't count on the long term with him. Each and every one of us has unique strengths and weaknesses - that is what makes each of us different. Our true friends accept us, 'warts' and all.
We all have aches and pains in life - including relational. None of us are worthless. Sometimes we are just in the wrong place with the wrong person. We never have to be alone. There are so many ways to reach out. But you might have to make the first move.
I promise not to tell you to "smile". However, it never rains forever.
Look for the sunshine. It's nice to be content.
Ahhhh (long sigh) - experience is quite the teacher!
Fortunately I am not opposed to learning.
Omg I hate this feeling of damaged goods :/
Nobody deserves to feel like that. Not ever. However I fear that feeling is what drives many aspies, including myself, into co-morbid conditions. All I can say is, if he knows that's how you feel but lets it continue, then he's not worth a second of your time. "Love", as we typically consider it, is technically known as 'agape', and refers to unconditional and absolute caring. If he doesn't want to reassure you that he'd sooner tell his family to go to hell and that you aren't damaged goods, then I have a word for that, too. "Eros."
Its been a while since i've been on the site as my being on the site seems to be another issue. I just wanted to say it helps to be among people on line who care about my problems.
My clothes and my past seem to be recurring issues too. I guess that happens with NT couples too.
I was feeling down and alone, trying to see my way forward. I dont know yet what to do but thank you guys.
Keez