Aspies For Freedom

I can tell you exactly what it was about, after years of being married to an NT male in the past. :roll:

He was making a sexual comment about the girls boobs, she must have had a revealing top, he was ogling her as he found it sexy/fascinating. He therefore assumed that you must be jealous about it. He is using typical NT behaviour and applying it to you erroneously.

If he likes to look at girls and you don't mind, then he should just be honest about it and look. (I dont feel jealously, I dont know if you do)

If you do mind, then he should be discreet and not look, or not comment and stare.

Either way, you are having problems communicating because you each have your own way, though no doubt he would assume his NT way is the right way, and your's is wrong.

I agree with Amy, but I want to add that he might be confused about you not being jealous.

Depending on the age and social group one is in, the reactions can be expected to be quite different. The older and "richer" you get, the less jealousy/emotions would be shown and expected especially in public. And the more discreed the men usually will be while watching other women than the one they are dating.

Sibylle

And yes, a partnership between a NT man and an AS woman can happen and can be happy for both of them.

I found that my bf really wants to understand my point of view - well, except for sometimes, but I think that's the same the other way round and nothing to worry about. I know he does not understand me very often and I know a lot of my habits really disturb him - so do his to me. But as long as both sides really do want to understand each other, it will work out. (yes, he knows I am Aspie)

I mean, there's a hell of a lot of NT partnerships that do not work out, so why should it be better with Aspies or Aspies and NTs?

Sibylle

It is actually rather strange that he specifically made comments about the other girl which were obviously sexual while being with you - and yet aspies are supposed to be the ones not to understand social rules  :roll:

Most would see it as rather logical (i hope) that commenting on other girls will make you jealous.

The role of jealousy in a relationship: it should not be purposely induced by one of the partners and is generally something to avoid.

Keez, I'm a NT married to another NT.   I do have an autistic son though.  

I completely agree with Gareth -- It's not good to make your parter jealous.  However, NTs (men and women) sometimes do deliberately try to make their partner jealous.  When we feel jealous, we are (usually) afraid of losing our partner to someone else.   When NT are jealous they can show a wide range of reactions.   Sometimes they react by becoming more affectionate towards their partner.

For example, if a woman sees her man looking at other women, she might think to herself, "Oh no, he's looking at other women.  He must not be satisfied with me.   Maybe if I try to be sexier, more affectionate towards him, and/or more accommodating to his needs, I won't lose him to someone else."  

You can probably see how people might like the idea of making their partner want to be sexier, more affectionate, and more accommodating to their desires.   So, some NT men and women try to make their partner jealous in the hope that he or she will react as I described above.  

In my opinion, it's still a very bad idea to try to make one's partner jealous.   No matter how good a person may be at understanding other people, no one can ever predict with absolute certainty that their partner will respond to jealousy in the way that I described above.  Sometimes, when people are jealous, they get very angry or may even choose to end the relationship because they are tired of their partner making them feel bad.  

In my opinion, it's also a betrayal of trust.   I think about it this way: when my wife chose to be with me romantically, she essentially made a decision to trust me not to do something to hurt her.  If I were to then deliberately make her jealous, I would be betraying her trust.  

As someone else said, it might be that he wanted you to wear a top like the one she was wearing.  If he had just been looking at her *JUST* to gawk at her, he probably wouldn't have pointed her out to you like he did.   The fact that he deliberately directed your attention to her top makes me think that he probably wanted you to wear a top like that.   It sounds like the top she was wearing may have shown a lot of the woman's breasts, and he probably really liked that.   He might have been fantasizing about how sexy you would look if you were wearing that same top, and pointed it out to you in the hope that you would wear something like that in the future.  

He might have been expecting you to figure out that he wanted you to wear a top like that, and misinterpreted your confusion as an unwillingness to do that.  If so, then it sounds like he doesn't quite understand aspies that well.   (That's very common -- I'm not sure most NT have even HEARD of Aspergers.)

I don't think that's way of thinking is specifically an aspie thing.  I think it has more to do with maturity and wisdom.   I'm as NT as they come, and I  think about jealousy the same way you do.  If I am out in public with my wife and I see another woman that I think is beautiful, I will usually look away from her very quickly.  I care more about making my wife happy than I do about getting whatever small amount of enjoyment I might get from gawking.  

However, I have found that there is a wide range of beliefs among NT about whether or not it is acceptable to look at other attractive people when you are in a relationship with someone.  Some people think that it is never acceptable.  Some people think it's ok if you are by yourself but not when your partner is with you.   Some people think it's ok to look when you are out with your partner as long as you are not obvious about it.  Some people think it's always ok to look as long as you don't actually have a romantic involvement with someone else.  If it bothers you for him to look at other women, I would suggest telling him.   He might apologize and try not to do it, or he might get angry.  But, if it bothers you for him to do that, he certainly isn't going to stop doing it if he doesn't know that you don't like it.  

It sounds to me like you have a far more mature understanding of jealousy than most NT do.  

The other thing that I thought about when I read your post was this:  It doesn't sound like your partner really understands autism all that well if he found your confusion surprising.  Does he know that you are an aspie?  If he does know, how well does he understand how you look at the world?  If he doesn't really understand the differences between autistics and NT, that might lead to a lot of problems between him and you.   It might help the two of you understand each other better if he understands the differences between aspies and NT better.  

Even if he does understand aspies, he will still make mistakes sometimes.   After all, it's hard for anyone to fully understand another person, particularly when the other person is different.   When I am angry at my son, I sometimes find that it really annoys me that he won't look at me when I am telling him why he shouldn't do whatever it was that made me mad.   I have to consciously remind myself that his lack of eye contact doesn't mean that he doesn't care about what I am saying.  I have to consciously remind myself that he is autistic and just doesn't like looking at my eyes.   I know this, of course, but when I am angry I don't always think things through logically.   I don't know if aspies have this problem or not, but we NT often become illogical when we are experiencing strong emotions.  

You might talk to your boyfriend and ask him if he would like you to wear an outfit like the one that woman was wearing.   He might respond by saying something like, "Yes, that was why I pointed it out to you".

It took a while for this conversation to get to it, but I thought your boyfriend was trying to point out that this woman was a hooker.  I agree with those who floated that idea.  NT's like to people watch, and make comments about the people around them.  But, it would go against social code to say, "I think she is a hooker," which would be why your boyfriend stopped short of explaining his line of questions to you.

Along those same lines, I think your boyfriend would be a bit embarassed if you asked back, "so you think she is a hooker, then?"  Maybe you could use a line a friend of mine once used, instead, "so, if you throw her a dollar you think she'll respond?"

NT men, btw, will look at other women.  The saying, "just because I've placed my order doesn't mean I can't look at the menu" represents the general NT attitude.  Look, don't taste.

I notice other men when I'm out with my husband.  But I've learned not to share my observations with him.  Save that for when I'm with the gals!

Most NT's are fascinated by things they find slightly distasteful ... there is a bit of a fine line, there.  If it's downright offensive, of course you look the other way, but if it's just a bit embarassing or tasteless or odd ... that's interesting.

And the menu analogy ... well, I didn't invent it but, no, it wouldn't necessarilly mean you want to order something different next time.  It could be a way of assuring yourself you didn't miss anything, or it could be simply a way of living vicariously without actually sampling.  I almost always order exactly the same thing every time I go to a favorite restaurant, but I still look at the menu anyway.  Hard to say why, exactly, but I do ... and then I order the same favorite.  90% of the time.  So, I guess, the analogy only goes so far ... with a partner, I may continue to check the menu, but there is zero chance I would change my order.  To do so wouldn't fit in with my value system.  My "tasting" experience won't go beyond reading the ingredients.

Ultimately, even though your boyfriend may enjoy making a few jokes and remarks about something like how that woman was dressed, he probably doesn't want to look too far into his own behavior.  I agree that he was probably getting uncomfortable with the conversation, as you continued to ask questions, and commented on you getting uncomfortable so that he wouldn't have to keep talking about it.  Again, when drawn to things that are a little distasteful, there is only so far one will go.

Ah, there is where NT's are different from Aspies.  We don't hope to learn anything.  It's more like moths to a flame ... nothing to understand, really.  Just an odd thing about most NT's.  I don't think NT's always have the same purpose driven thinking that Aspies do.  Not everything we think or are interested in has any purpose to it at all.  I know, at least, that is true of me.  And it doesn't bother me in the slightest.  While I love to learn, not everything is about learning.

PS - glad you found the previous post helpful.  :grin:

  Most NTs figure it out very quickly when someone is looking at them.   Some NTs, in fact, are so good at this that many people wrongly think that people have a "sixth sense" that allows them to know when someone is watching them.  

Yes, most men do notice attractive women.   I love my wife and would never even consider cheating on her but I do notice attractive women.  Men tend to be very visual about that sort of thing -- I highly suspect that most male brains are wired to notice attractive females.  It doesn't mean that we actually want a romantic or sexual encounter with the woman.  We just tend to notice.  

Some men make a conscious effort to avoid looking at other women when they are with their wife or girlfriend.  Others look but try to be unobtrusive about it.  Still others think it is ok to look and be really obvious about it even when they are with their wife or girlfriend.  

I have a friend in that last category.   He is married and actually subscribes to Playboy magazine.  

Personally, I think that each couple should decide for themselves what is acceptable and what isn't.  I don't think that there is a single rule that applies to every relationship.  It just depends on the man and woman involved and what they are comfortable with.

He's probably rather immature and maybe he got weaned too early so that's why he's so fascinated with boobs. Some men do have a boob fetish too. I personally think if you're with your girl or boyfriend or spouse, looking at other attractive people should be very discreet. Ogling is rather bad manners and looks tacky.

D-W, I don't know about this "gals" stuff as I don't have the sort of female friends I would discuss those kinds of things with. Nearly all my friends are male and I suppose I am mostly like a big sister to them.

I'm not sure but it almost sounds as if he was deliberately trying to make you jealous, which is a bit mean

Nice one, that was something (the asshole realisation, LOL that sounds weird) I experienced as well with my ex, with hindsight it is horrible how much he used to use my quirks against me

Is it possible that this is what he was trying to hint at, e.g. comparing her "exposing herself" (I have just thought of something else, the moving in and out bit, could he have meant that her boobs were 'spilling' out of her top?) and how it made people stare to how he feels you sometimes appear to others when you dress what he terms "too sexy"?

Indeed, although he wasn't always as subtle, e.g. he would sometimes simply use them to insult me and blame me for stuff.

The only problem with my current partner in that respect is that he is verbally gifted and he knows of my problems in this area, so he can usually 'win' any argument and leave my brain in knots.