Keez, as I was reading your post, it screamed out to me exactly what I think was going on. He was looking at her because he thought she was a hooker, and that she had fake boobs, they were probably so obviously fake that they nearly touched her chin, lol, that is why a)he made a comment on the top, b)he was watching her go in and out, was observing her promiscious behaviour that suggested she was one, c)was trying to tell you this and got upset because he felt that you just ignored what he was saying by replying with comments regarding the temperature which to him was totally irrelevant to the point he was trying to make. Simple as that. I am 99% sure.
If he was looking at her because he "wanted her" he would not do it in front of your face and would not make comments to you. Men make comments about other females to their parter usually when they have something negative to say. It is soooo obvious (to me) that this is what he was doing.
By the way, an expected response from an NT girlfriend would've been something along the lines of "yes, she does look like one" or "ergghhh, they are soooo fake/ugly" or something similar because he wants you to be on the same wavelength as him and go along with him. These are things that may cause you communication problems, you perhaps see logic behind things, he sees something and makes assumptions. I hope that explains things better, I am not good at saying what I mean to say.
Even if I was comfortable looking at others I would not want to attract their attention as I am unavailable and because I would not want to inspire jealousy in my partner.
This is not NT way of thinking, we enjoy seeing the other half a little jealous. It is our twisted way of getting reassurance that they lust/like/love us. Men do it and women do it. It is something that we cannot help unfortunately. My husband somewhat enjoys it when other men look at me, he just pulls me closer to show them that I am with him. It is a territorial thing and a "tough luck, she is mine" kinda thing. When females look at him, I get a little jealous and makes me want him more.
What you wrote (quote above) is too logical and we don't often think logically. Unfortunately.
Yeah, thanks DW that one had me stumped.
He could have told her after when at home though so she wasn't confused.
Its called being nosey and I am severely afflicted :oops:
People are usually generally interested in each other's goings on. Particularly it is different from our own lives.
I usually don't look at people unless I find something interesting to look at on them. But I was taught that staring is rude so therefore when I find something that draws my attention I turn my head away.
I usually don't look at people unless I find something interesting to look at on them. But I was taught that staring is rude so therefore when I find something that draws my attention I turn my head away.
When we are told not to look at something, we straight away do the opposite because when you are told not to look it makes us wanna know what not to look at. Make sense?
But Keez, don't worry about that at all, if it resulted in eye contacted, you would probably be the only one uncomfortable about that. People wear these t-shirts so that people could read them, they want you to read them. Eye contact may not feel natural to you but it is natural for NTs therefore they won't think "OMG she looked me in the eyes, how could she?!"
I am an AS female with a male NT partner and I would like to know what is 'normal' behaviour in the following situation.
I have been trawling the net in search of the answer to this and have drawn a blank.
My partner wanted us to be able to go out somewhere 'spontaneously' so I made sure we had some cash on us so we could. We went to a pub. He kept looking over my shoulder. Then he pointed out a girl (who I thought was pretty) who he said was wearing 'an adventurous top'.
I dont like looking at people in public places, rather just scanning the crowd, you know? It felt weird but I looked at her but she had her back to us. The top fastened around the back with three sets of thin ties so her back was exposed. Rather like a modern sari blouse. I thought he wanted me to comment so I said 'That's nice, as along as she isnt' cold' because that's what I thought.' He said I couldnt see the front.
He carried on watching her. I was confused and uncomfortable because I didnt understand why he was with me but watching another girl and I didnt understand what it was about her top that was important.
Then he muttered a sentence I couldnt hear in its entirety just something about 'her boobs'. I asked what about them? He said 'never mind'. I wondered if maybe he didnt approve of her top. But surely he wouldnt have expected me to agree because he knows I never disappove of people's clothing - I think everyone has the right to wear what they want. And I probably would have worn it myself if I'd had it and could and the weather was hot.
Then he said, 'She is going in and out' (of the pub) I thought he was wondering why she was doing that. I saw she was holding a mobile phone. So I suggested that she was waiting for someone and that perhaps they were lost and she was giving them directions on the phone. He said 'What?' I repeated myself. 'Why are you saying that?' I told him I thought he was looking for a possible explanation for her behaviour. He said 'You dont understand why I told you about her, do you?' I said no. 'You dont like it that I said something to you about it, do you?' I said no and asked him to explain. He said he wasnt going to explain and 'Sometimes I cant communicate with you'.
I thought I better make an effort to understand. I said I thought perhaps he pointed her out so that I could comment on her top and I thought she looked pretty and I had said so.' He said forget it.
So what was all that about? He has told me it is normal for guys to look at girls. Is this normal behaviour when with gf though? I mean when I was single and was out and had met someone for a one-night stand, I would still keep looking for the next man and I expect the guy to be doing the same, looking for the next girl - making mental notes, you know? but discreetly. But I am not looking for the next man now I am with my partner. And I dont like looking at people anyway.
So can anyone tell me, please, if is this normal NT behavior? What would have been the expected response from an NT gf?
And what possible explanations are there for a) watching the girl and b) pointing out the girl and her top to me? Because I didnt get it and its really bothering me.
That isn't normal behavior; it's immature behavior. He's your partner so he shouldn't talk about other women or girls like that because he has you. I personally can't take guys that have a girl of their own and hit on other girls. Those guys are immature jerks.
After only reading the first post: Maybe he was making a negative comment on her top. Saying she should cover up. I also read a line where you said you asked if he wanted you to wear the top and he said no and that also makes me think what I said. If anyone's said this before, sorry.
Still, there is no need for them to be so rude about it.
It's funny... people use clothing almost as a sort of language. When people choose the clothing they wear, they're making a statement about themselves, rather than just keeping warm. Clothing can say a lot of things... "I'm into the latest trends"... "I'm a rebel"... "I'm a sexual person"... "I'm athletic"... "I'm rich"... "I'm easy-going"... "I like to party"...
It's like a code. People send signals to each other through the clothing they wear. A girl wearing a revealing top--especially if she's not wearing a bra, even more so if her nipples are visible through the cloth--is "broadcasting" the signal that she considers herself alluring to men. (The more naive girls may not realize they're broadcasting, which is when their girlfriends ought to tell them.) And a man who looks at her is telling her that, yes, he does find her alluring... Though, as your boyfriend evidently was, he may be a little uncomfortable about being unable to take his eyes off the girl just because of her looks. It's a sort of cognitive dissonance: He likes you; but he can't stop looking at the other girl, and that makes him uncomfortable because he's got two opposing ideas bouncing around his brain.
I haven't quite cracked the clothing code myself, but I know it's there--people (especially girls) are always talking about each others' clothing; and they wouldn't do that if clothes did nothing more than protect us from the elements.
SoccerFreak would grab her boyfriend's face and turn it facing her and say "KISS ME!!!"
You would kiss her boyfriend?
Yes, it was clear to me in the initial post that he was speculating on the girl being a hooker, and even I (gay) would have watched the girl just because I enjoy reading behaviors in public/social situations and speculating what the back-story might be.
But the part of your post that bothered me was this:
He said 'You dont understand why I told you about her, do you?' I said no. 'You dont like it that I said something to you about it, do you?' I said no and asked him to explain. He said he wasnt going to explain.
I'm pretty much NT, and I would never talk to my aspie boyfriend that way. "You don't get it, do you? You don't understand what i meant, do you? You don't know why i said that, do you?" God, how obnoxious.
It's like a bully taking the short kids's hat and holding it up too high for the kid to reach it, "It's right here! Don't you want it? Just take it! Jump higher!"
If Erich and I were in the same situation, I might say to him -- "Look at that chick over there with the boobs hanging out. I think she's a hooker." And he and I would talk about things that would lead me to that suspicion -- but we'd be sharing the observations; I wouldn't be playing an obvoxious game of "I can read situations like this and you can't -- nyah, nyah, nyah." And then "He said he wasnt going to explain."? Oh, hell, no.
If you dump this guy one day, tell him "The fact that I'm not NT perhaps kept me from noticing that girl was a hooker, but maybe it also kept me from noticing you're an ***-hole... for a while."
"he used to use my quirks against me"
Good way of putting that. I think there's a particular sort of NT -- with a somewhat predatory streak -- that does exactly that. For example, it works to the NT's advantage (if it's an NT that wants to take advantage) that Aspies are usually very direct and honest, but don't always pick up on the NT when he's being deceitful.