Aspies For Freedom

I can't count the number of times someone in my family yelled at me,  "You just don't say that!"

I have had a lot of people complain about my honesty, but I just ignore them now.

My speech therapist tells me its not good to be honest about how things are. When I questioned her on it she was completely stumped and said she'd have to get back to me in a week with an answer. Just told me to accept it because that is how our culture is, I live in the US.

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time there.

Here is the answer I think she should have given:

When being honest will upset someone or hurt their feelings, then it is better to say nothing.

UNLESS there is action that person needs to take, and is able to take, to correct the situation.  Then, it might be worth upsetting them.

But, to hurt someone's feelings when there is nothing to be done about, well, that does nothing but hurt their feelings.  So why be honest?

Examples:

You are in the store with a friend who is trying on a shirt.  You think it looks awful.  Be honest - she can then choose not to buy it.

Your friend shows up at an event in a new shirt that you think looks awful.  She is very excited about it, and is busy showing it off.  In this case, letting her know how you feel will accomplish nothing but bad feelings.  If confronted and forced to give an opinion, it would be best to stifle what you really want to say and, assuming you don't want to lie, choose a middle ground:  "I wouldn't have chosen that shirt myself, but I can see you love it and I am happy that you feel good in it."

Does that help?

My mom says telling it how it is isn't always wise, you have to be tactful in certain situations with regards to the way you go about saying stuff so it doesn't hurt others feelings.

Her friend who might be an aspie is very blunt, she hurts both my feelings and my mom's feelings, and so mom told her to be alittle gentler in her approach. I guess she can't help it though.

My grandma is also the "tell it how it is" type and she's not shy to say things in public to strangers, for me I'm the total opposite, if someone tells me that I'm feeling frustrated or annoyed and it's true, I'll deny it.

Maybe it's the way I've been brought up or the culture/society I've been in, I'm abit extreme with denying and always making things look "peachy" even if they aren't.   That goes for myself and towards others.

I hate when someone knows how I am feeling when I am not sure. I have no idea how my body is reacting until things just get to be too much. Sometimes that makes me paranoid so I lie to them in an attempt to decieve them. How can someone know how I am when I don't.

When a female coworker tells me that part of her two front teeth are fake I responded "Yeah I know. The coloring is different between the top and bottom. There is even a white line between the two parts, must be the cement." I have horrible face recognition too. I told one coworker of over a year that I couldn't recognize him because he was fatter and his hair was longer after he took the summer off.

Those are just obvious things that everyone can see. I just state them when they bring it up. I learned a while back not to just say those things on my own.

My speech therapy is mainly them trying to make me see that words shouldn't always be taken literal. My pragmatic language skills are about 20+ years behind they say.

Oh no, I would be horrified if someone told me it was that obvious I had some fake teeth!  I guess I would hope people wouldn't notice, or at least would TRY not to notice.  To discover that someone had paid enough attention to even see the cement ... lol, OK, an NT adult would NEVER remark on that, unless they were trying to be hurtful.

Oh well, we're all different.  I hope your co-worker was understanding.

More often than not, though, btw, I think the Apsie bluntness is refreshing.  It gives me a lot of trust in the opinions expressed.  When you say something positive, I KNOW you mean it!

My Mom said she had to teach two of her kids not to lie and teach me how to lie--the "white lie" of course.  I've had people say stuff to me like: Gee, you're pretty direct.  But at least I know where I stand."

I get criticized less than I used to.  Maybe it's that the NTs around me would think it's rude to criticize me....hmmmmm, hadn't thought of that!

I can always tell when people have fake bits on their teeth - the colour is different and the shape generally doesn't look quite right. The capped teeth on TV personalities annoy me because they look so fake and they talk with their teeth sticking out so everyone can see they've had work done on their teeth.

There was this woman I worked with who had several black and green teeth. She had veneers put on but I could still see the black and green colour through them and it looked yuuk. Mind you, I would never have said that to her but think it would have been better to get them taken out and had a plate instead.

I can see why veneers would be put on if somebody had really brown teeth but if they're just a little crooked or got some gaps, I think they look more "real" and human and not so fake.

Why people like Britney Spears had stuff done when their teeth were already fine, I don't know. It is so obvious that it's been done.

What if you can't think of an answer on the spot? I usually need a bit of time to think so I can give a tactful answer but people might read the pause as implied criticism anyway.

I think we certainly need to have more books on etiquette so that we don't unintentionally make social faux pas. The unwritten rules are ridiculous as how are you supposed to understand something that is not written down in black and white and that can be referred to when in doubt?

Being "too" honest has gotten me "in trounle" more times than I'd like to think. But good things have come from it too. My employers (when I have a job, which I don't right now) always know they can count on it. Also, many friends have told me they like or respect or envy my honesty "even though it gets you in trouble." So I realize that I'm not in real trouble and that the opinion's of my friends and employers are much more important than the opinion's of my "enemies".

All symptoms of severe depression.  

So maybe this other guy wasn't right for her anyway?

I'm very honest. I make a concerted effort not to be tactless and hurtful as well but sometimes fail. I quite often warn people prior to expressing an opinion that "I am sorry in advance if I sound tactless or it hurts your feelings but...". Those people who know me know me as a "straight-shooter", meaning I tell it how I see it. My friends who are NT suprisingly find this one of my most endearing traits. My bosses seem to trust my opinions in a funny way too, for the same reason. I am 35 and tooo old to try and change this aspect of my behaviour. I don't think it is entirely bad in any case.

At least you warn them in advance and they can take or leave what you say as they wish. I find it more upsetting when somebody says something like it's my fault with no warning and when I thought they were on my side.