I have been on this forum a lot since I joined, and I just want to say that I really enjoy everyone's honesty. That's why I like chatting with you all. I am sick of always been told what I want to hear, or things being said not to hurt my feelings. I think you guys say it like it is, and it is a great quality to have. Does it ever get you in trouble?
Nobody ever gets mad at me. They used to when I was a kid but as I got older, everybody just laughs. I haven't been told like in maybe 8 years that what i said was hurtful. in high school i got was "That was a little inappropiate" and at work I got told that is rude when I was asking people if they got stretchmarks on their tummy from pregnancy. That shocked me because no one has said it to me like since I was 12 years old but she still wasn't mad when she told it was rude. She was just laughing. Then she told me half of the things I say is rude and I said then why doesn't anybody tell me it is when I am. Then an aspie told me online when your're an adult, people don't tell you anymore what is rude and what isn't.
My bluntness makes people giggle. I guess that's good, I'm not sure.
I think most NT's are just plain uncomfortable with bluntness or rudeness. Their first reaction is probably a facial expression of shock or distain of some sort, which an Aspie doesn't recognize or pick up on. As the NT continues to watch the Aspie's lack of comprehension of the situation, the NT could "giggle" with discomfort, or state "That was rude", or walk away (possibly shaking their head in disbelief that the Aspie could say such a thing).
I would imagine that the lack of understanding of the social norms (you don't comment on certain things out loud even though we probably all think them) or lacking the ability to empathize with a situation becomes more of a handicap for an Aspie as they become an adult as NT's are less willing to "correct" the rudeness of an adult than a kid.
In a work or school situation, is there one person who you could trust enough to ask if they could "coach" you with a hand sign (like American sign for "no" or a quick finger across their lips) if they notice you in a similar situation so you could say "Whoops - that may have been rude - sorry" or something like that? Even a simple “Sorry” is good.
As DW pointed out, there are so many variables in what can be said and when it can be said. One of the problems with AS can be the lack of understanding social norms. If you waited to speak until you have tried to think things out, try to apply the “rules”, the moment passes and you are still standing there wrestling through the problem. That looks weird too. Darned if you do, darned if you don’t. You might try to watch the person’s face – Aspies can learn to distinguish expressions.
Ever hear the old saying “Honesty is not always the best policy”? It is right next to that old saying “Honesty is the best policy”. So which one is right?
Right – both are. It depends on the situation. Live by yourself? Work alone? Have no friends? Then go ahead, who cares, what does it matter - say what you want.
Otherwise, try to watch facial reactions. Apologize even if you don’t understand what it was that was wrong. You don’t have to be sorry for what you said (or thought) – just for hurting their feelings. Unless you meant to hurt their feelings.
Another good answer regarding the shirt at an event would be "well, do you like it?" and if the answer is yes, then say "well if you like it, it looks fine on you". You're not actually saying YOUR opinion, you're just reaffirming hers.
I sometimes warn people that I don't bother too much with diplocmacy. I get asked a question and if it's possibelt hat someone will hear an answer they won't like I'll tell them that I'm likely to be honest to a point they are discomfited by.
EG, a friend of mien once asked me why it was impossibelf or her to get a new boyfriend. Since she'd been moaning about it for weeks and I'd already told her to stop going on about it, I finally gave up and asked if she really wanted an answer and she said yes.
I proceeded to tell her that eating every five minutes and getting to looking the same shape as a beachball wasn't becoming for someone 5'4 and that constant innuendos and many of them at other people's expense dn also against their express wish that she'd quit it, was jsut agood way of annoying people. Add to that, the fact that her falt had mold on the carpet, the kitchen was falling apart and she rarely even tried to get anything done, wasn't helpful.
Maybe so Tenaciousj but she hadn't helped herself at the time at all. She had taken a lot and not offered much and had a habit of taking more than she was entitled to. Yalking utter bilge about people and thinking she was being clever didn't help eoitehr. In fct, that's how she lost her first boyfriend as he got sick of it and her controllign nature
Thing is, I'm going to see her and her current boyfriend tomorrow and she has improved a lot since she left North Wales.
Why not say things just as they are? If someone's fatter and I therefore did not know whom they were I would bring it up. Who cares if you hurt their feelings? People need to toughen up a little if they can't take the truth. It's pathetic how people in our country are so sensitive.
For example: If I had an illness that makes me really ugly then by all means say it! If I have cancer and I am bald then by all means tell me!
If we can't even take an insult how can we take on a bully whom seeks to harm us? Come on people. It's so pathetic it makes me sick!