Hi Susie, is it all possible for you not to work in the evenings for a while? It is very hard work raising a toddler, and stressful as you know.
There are bad days and good days, and totally exhausting days, do you have anyone else to help you?
My son is on the spectrum. He's 13 now.
Each child on the spectrum is unique. What is he like? Hyper? Quiet? Noisy? Do you have a social worker who can recommend a nursery/kindergarten?
Hmm, I don't know if it's appropriate I put my 2 cents here. So I will but Amy if you don't like it let me know and I'll swiftly delete it if you pm me about it.
Any 2-3 year old child is going to be a handful ASD or not. I understand it's hard to raise a active child. If videos calm him down, what is wrong with keeping a stack of videos on hand for him to watch? You sent him to a daycare for what I would assume are classically Autistic children. Your child is not classicly Autistic, it probaly went "horribly" because he spent the day with lower-functioning children than himself, and most likely got no mental stimulation.
I am not saying that it's unreasonable for you to feel overwhelmed, especially with surgery. I have this to ask you, if your son wasn't diagnosed with ASD would you consider putting him up for adoption? It seems you're very quick to assume that he's going to be this way the rest of his life. That is true with classic Autism not Asperger's Syndrome. There is a huge difference. I think it's wrong that you're giving up on your child so quickly. I also think that him being diagnosed with Asperger's to you, seems like a convienient excuse to give up on him. (If this is too harsh Amy, sorry, my bad)
What I am saying is what I said earlier, your son is acting like any other child his age. It seems perhaps out of ignorance, you are thinking, "I have a child diagnosed with "Autism", if I do give him up for adoption surely people will understand and empathize with me". That sends the message, that Aspies are a burden which is what we're fighting on this site. If you were to say, "I'm sorry, but I didn't expect a child to be so much work and I can't handle it, he'd be better off with another family" as a reason to put him up for adoption, I'd feel better about that. I'd feel better about it, because it's saying you're putting him up for adoption feeling he'd be better off, not that you're putting him up for adoption because he has ASD.
What confuses me, is, that why you as grandparents are raising the child? It is usually parentīs task, not grandparents.
Anyway, when you are so tired as you seem to be, you should try and get more help for both of you.
I suppose your grandson will get calmer with time, but of course I cannot guarantee it for you.
What came to my mind, however, was sensory problems. F.e. with diapers it could be that, and if you try out several marks, he might keep one of them...Most propably he takes them off, because they feel unconformotable.
Also, what makes him more restless? Try and eliminate/lessen those things. I wish all the best for you both.
What confuses me, is, that why you as grandparents are raising the child? It is usually parentīs task, not grandparents.
Clik, it might be for personal family reasons that not everyone would want to explain to strangers.
Good idea about trying different brands of diapers, though. And eliminating stresses.
I hope you will accept my sympathy and support. While I'm not yet in my 50's, I am an older parent (late 40's), and a working parent, with a child on the spectrum, and I know that in the toddler years the combination is extremely difficult.
The first thing you have to accept is that you cannot do it all. I remember this vision I had of working from home while my child played nearby ... boy did that vision die fast! There I was with work to do and a desperate need for help caring for my child! Group childcare was a disaster for us, and most of my nanny interviews were disasters. We did eventually find in home care (a nanny) for my son, and while it was a huge financial drain (basically any savings we had is long gone), it saved my sanity ... and his. There are more important things than money.
I've learned over time to invest upfront. There are no short cuts. We just weren't given that gift. When I hired the nanny, I spent the first few days playing with her and my son together until I could tell he was comfortable with her, and that she was understanding him. Then, even though I was working from home, I had to get "out." He wouldn't accept her if he thought I was available, so I couldn't be.
I had depression issues when my son was young, and I ask you to look inside yourself to see if you are dealing with these, also. There is help for that; it can feel better. You don't have to feel this level of frustration.
Find a way to take care of yourself. For me, the absolute best was my new mom's support group. These women were my lifeline. Women need women to talk to, you know? Friends you can say anything to. See if you can find some women to develope this kind of relationship with. It can start from a playgroup, a support group, anything. You can't keep it all to yourself, you just can't.
You may have to make some difficult decisions about work and finances. For me, the pull between work and my child got too strong to bear, and I mostly stopped working (while keeping childcare because I really needed the break). But, it DOES get better. If you invest today in giving your grandson all that you can see he needs, he WILL acquire independence and responsibility. Maybe not on the same time scale as NT children, and maybe not in the same way, but in a way that will work for your family. As a 9 year old my son is fine attending after school daycare a few days a week, and I've gone back to work to try and catch us up. There is light at the end of this tunnel you are in, I promise!!!!! And our kids (or grandkids) are so very much worth it! My son is an amazing joy.
((((((((((((((((hugs and prayers))))))))))))))))))
Debbie
Susie, it does get easier, and I really think you would regret adoption deeply.
Once they start full time school it gets easier, not sure what country you are in.
Can you afford to get someone to help you, like a part time nanny, when you have surgery?
Don't feel bad about letting him watch all the videos he wants, he will be calmer and will enjoy it. He will be calm when watching the videos as it is absolutely predictable, like a routine.
Susie, can you have a think about this possibility - autism is genetic, and it sounds like your daughter could be on the autism spectrum too, but undiagnosed.
It can appear 'mild' in girls, and show in other ways. Has she ever had an eating disorder? (That can occur in girls who have autism/aspergers and are undiagnosed and not getting help).
It's something to consider looking into.
Many of us here are parents who are on the spectrum, with kids on the spectrum.
Hi!
Sorry if I was getting to personal area, I was just wondering and wanting to help.
Nice to hear that you are feeling better though.
DW_a_mom gave good advices, but Iīd still like to continue about those sensory issues.
I suppose you know, that many on the spectrum have over- or undersensitivies in many areas, and for me those areas are noice, lights, touch...As a child it was very difficult to get me wear certain clothes, it helped then when my parents realized that only soft fabrics (mostly cotton) were the only ones for me - anything else was just plain torture.
With lights, the more natural the better. And for noice, silence is preferable for most people on autistic spectrum.
Routines are really important for AS-people, I guess that especially for children things have to be very predictrable, even so much so, that it may be very difficult for the environment to keep it up.
Defiant comes out also (often, in some cases total closedness instead) much more strongly on autistic kids than with "normal" kids. I cannot give you advice on that, if that happens, as in my case as a child my mom didnīt find ways to calm me down and just let me wear my self out instead. After those "attacks" I usually fell asleep then, and did not remember anything about it when I woke up, and was just calm and "normal" again.
However, in such possible situations, donīt take it personally or blame yourself for it. Even though those attacks usually come because of sensory overload, certainly you cannot protect your child from it all the time, but minimizing such sensory disturbanses is certainly worthy.
In many cases fish-oil has also helped to calm down. If you can get your son to eat some E-EPA-capsules, it will definately not harm him, as itīs so good for the heart and brain anyway. Iīve read that in at least 30% of cases it helps, but it takes about 2-3 months before you can see the effects. Worth trying anyway, I guess. I myself have little bit better concentration and nerves when I take that. At least it doesnīt have any harmful side-effects unlike many medications.
I hope all the best for you and your son. And if there is any near your area, parentīs support group would be very good idea to try out. Many parents with "normal" kids donīt necessarily understand the difficulties you are facing, and might give totally wrong advices, or belittle your difficulties. (or both)
Susie,
Glad to hear you are starting today in a better mood. A good nights sleep most definitely does help, but I know how those can be a little difficult to come by at times. It will always be up and down, I know that, and as a parent who has already raised 3 (?) children, I'm sure you know that. It's difficult to do at this stage in your life, adjust for this change, but having some systems in place to ease your stress and help you cope will help.
My ASD child was my first, and I've never known life any other way, but I know my mom said right off, long before we had any sort of diagnosis, that he was far more difficult to take care of than any of her children ever were. Not that she doesn't love him dearly, of course she does, but she knew I was having a more difficult time than most parents, and wanted me to know that she knew that, probably so I wouldn't start thinking I was never cut out for this job! Once I stopped trying to have it like everyone else seemed to, my life got better. We live life as it works for us, not as we've been taught to believe it should be, and in that way my ASD child has been a true gift.
I do also have a second child, a daughter, and she is NT. She is at a difficult and stubborn age but, overall, she has been far easier on us. She adores her older brother, and thinks nothing of the little things that are different in our family, like the fact that she has learned to tie her shoes while he still can't figure it out. She offers to help him with that sort of thing, and he teaches her amazing science and math facts. Really sweet.
Clik gives good advice above about the sensory issues. My son has many, and it took us quite a while to figure them out - it isn't always obvious, and sometimes things the child seems to enjoy are actually stressing him. Now I can see it in my son's facial expression, when something is difficult for him. Mitigating those will definitely help.
Anyway, best of luck to you. Do find a way to give yourself a break more often. And get make sure you get your sleep! The dishes can sit in the sink a few days if they have to.
In many cases fish-oil has also helped to calm down. If you can get your son to eat some E-EPA-capsules, it will definately not harm him, as itīs so good for the heart and brain anyway. Iīve read that in at least 30% of cases it helps, but it takes about 2-3 months before you can see the effects. Worth trying anyway, I guess. I myself have little bit better concentration and nerves when I take that. At least it doesnīt have any harmful side-effects unlike many medications.
My husband is trying that, but not sure how often he thinks to take it, so it may not work.
Susie - best wishes & prayers for you and your grandson coping with the everyday life. I don't have any good ideas, because I am not a parent... but I know it's not easy with or without autism and I know that you will hear some good managing strategies from the other moms here.
Also another resource if you happen to get a lot of reading time, http://www.autism-hub.co.uk/ seems to have a lot of blogs by mothers of autistic kids.
Susie
Yes, it gets better with the kids, but it may take some time. I'm an aspie mom with an almost 9 yr old aspie son and a 7 yr old nt son. It's hard for all three of us (the father left - he found that this wasn't the life he wanted).
With my son there's better times (sometimes it's a week or so) and it's worse times (most other times, but the problems are shifting).
If your daughter really is behaving much younger than her real age, she might be on the spectrum, too. I myself wasn't too eccentric as a child, but very "young" for my age. When I was a child, I was never diagnosed, so I must have been "normal" enough to get by (even if I felt different).
It's been hard for me with a 2-3 yr old aspie son and I was at the beginning of my 30s then, so I can imagine it's more stressful for you. Try to find help, a nanny, a friend who can take him for a couple of hours or someone else.
I keep my fingers crossed for you and your grandson.
Sibylle
I definitel ditto DW_a_mom's suggestion of finding a local support group. The key factor to remaining sane is having a good support system.
And your question about \"Does is get better?\" With some kids it might not (like Amy said, we're all unique), but I'd say it's a very good sign that your grandson is only 2 1/2 and he's talking. Despite that he might not make much sense and it's mostly echolalia, with kids with Autistic Disorder who gain speech, that's usually the first step.
And especially for a child with Autistic Disorder or PDD-NOS, he's talking early which is another good sign. I wouldn't be surprised if he grows up to be HFA since language is often a good predicter of overall function. The earlier he is speaking, and willingly, the better.
If you live in the US, \"ASD\" is just a general category and it sounds like the diagnostician was unsure and gave him kind of an \"On the Spectrum\" diagnosis. He'll probably be rediagnosed later on with either PDD-NOS or High-Functioning Autistic Disorder (he won't have AS if you're in the US because he's clearly had some language delay and echolalic problems which discounts AS). Then again, not all diagnosticians follow their own rules and he might just well end up with an Aspergers label. Who knows.
But good luck to you. And take it easy when you can. :smile: