Aspies For Freedom

I was at the pool yesterday with my children and saw a couple of parents doing things that freaked me out.  I simply cannot relate to their apparent philosophy (I choose the word apparent because obviously I don't have the whole story).

One was gently holding a young boy in a floating position on the water, with only a small amount of body immersion.  The child was wearing a safety swim suit and appeared disabled in some way.  And the child clearly was distressed, terrified, and had no desire to stay in contact with the water.  This went on without change for at least half an hour.  Yes, the parents had him completely safe, but he seemed so absolutely frightened, I wanted to yell at them, "stop being so stubborn, he doesn't need to do this, and you are very likely creating a one step forward at the cost of two steps backward situation."  I have NEVER forced my children like this and for such an extended period of time.

The other was doing something similar, taking what appeared to be a "normal" toddler and forcing him into the pool against his screams and protests.  In this case I had the consolation of seeing the child playing happily in the water 20 minutes later and could at least assume maybe the parents knew their own child better than I.  But, still, I would not have handled it that way.  I would have found a non-threatening way to introduce the child to the water, and let the process take 2 weeks if it had to.  Again, in many cases you will end up two steps back, one step forward doing something like this.  In my experience and opinion, at least.

Of course, my first child is my Apsie child and whether or not this is common with Aspie children, I've had a lot of first hand experience now at decisions that seemed wise but really were two steps back we didn't need to take.  I've never even tried to be as persistent with pushing (not to the level above, ever, but pushing) with my second, most likely NT child, because I feel I've learned better.  We cross a lot of barriers, the children and I, but I try to help THEM do it, on their own in their own way and own time, rather than FORCE them to.

I guess I'm just wondering what your personal experience with tricky things like overcoming a fear is, and how you feel about the way the parents I talked about appeared to be handling things.

When my husband was a small child he was always told by his mother "not to go into the water at the beach, you'll drown." I should add that he comes from Sri Lanka, and he was brought up in Jaffna right near the ocean.  To this day he's terrified of the water and never learnt to swim, even though we've tried to teach him in later years, his body goes rigid in the water and he can't relax in anything deeper than about waist-high.  

On the other side of the coin, I was brought up in an area that was once desert, reclaimed though irrigation.  There were several dams on the property I grew up on, and the whole of the Riverina is criss-crossed with quite deep, swift-flowing irrigation canals.  I learnt to swim early thanks to my parents taking me in and teaching me, and later school day-trips which taught swimming.  I never learnt the "fear reflex" that Vernu has.  

Although there could be something genetic to it, as well.  Lauren has had many lessons since she was a toddler, and can swim (awkwardly, but she can keep herself afloat and propelled forward), but like her father, she tends to be extremely uncomfortable in the water.  

I thought it's interesting, Vernu, brought up on a tropical island, is scared of water, and myself, brought up in essentially desert, swims like a fish!

Alison

DW, I thought you would find this statement to the American Academy of Pediatrics interesting.

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi...b105/4/868

Well, there are some things I have only learned, because my parents "forced" me to. Swimming is one of them. And now, after some decades, I am grateful for it.

It's a Tweety saying  :wink: : Because of the fact, that 2/3rd of the world are covered with water, it is more important to learn to swim than to fly.

Another thing my parents put pressure on me is learning to drive a car and making my drivers license. And I'm thankful for that as well. They had their own reasons for it - they felt more comfortable when their "little girl" drove home by car at night then by metro or bus.

In both cases the type of pressure was quite different - as was the age.

And there was one thing they did not put pressure on me, and I really regret, they did not. They wanted me (as the teachers recommended) to go to the Gymnasium (which is high school, I think) to make the Abitur and have the chance to go to university if I wanted. I was too frightened (which I did not admit to them - I just told them I didn't want) and threatened them that I would not write any good test, just on my own will (I'd never have been capable to do so - I've always tried to do the best I could!). I'm still sad, that I did not go to the Gymnasium then, even though I did my Abitur later as an adult.

I think, sometimes parents do know better.

But yes, sometimes it's two steps back if you put too much or the wrong pressure on a child. It's always better to find a motivation so the child wants to do it for itself. I sometimes try: You could learn/do this and make it a gift/surprise for your father/grandma. Or in case of swimming, maybe: We can have holidays at the coast when you can swim.

Sibylle

I am AS. I am terrified of water. Never learned to swim. When my parents tried to teach me I screamed and cried. I thought they were trying to drown me. Tried as an adult, but too scary. I still can't be in a pool with a lot of people, or let anyone get too close to me in a pool.

I have three kids, the oldest definitely AS, younger ones, not sure. How could I teach them to swim if I could not do it myself and my husband was always too busy working to do it himself and we couldn't afford lessons? I did not want my fear to rub off on them.

I thought about how I would prefer to learn to swim, and decided that I wouldn't try to teach them at all. I just took them to the pool on non-busy days and carried them gently around in the shallow water when they were little. I did not drop, dunk, splash or force them to do anything with the water that they did not like. I let them play as they wished to in or out of the pool. Then when they were old enough to walk around in the pool by themselves, I just sat in a chair and watched while they explored on their own. They never did ask me to come in with them or help them or teach them anything. They just played and explored. I provided kickboards and goggles, but they had the option to use them or ignore them entirely.

It took a long time. Several summers. I began to think they would never learn to swim. I began to think I had failed at this. The youngest (9) is still wary and prefers to sit on the side or pull himself around the pool by clinging to the edge. When he's really feeling brave he'll launch out into the middle with his kickboard once or twice. But both girls by age 10 or 11 figured out how to float and swim on their own. They now do just fine jumping in and splashing around in the deep end like normal kids. They just needed to learn at their own pace, in a quiet, sparsely populated pool free of distractions or coaching or comments. I never had to jump in and save any of them. They knew their limits, and natural curiosity gradually induced them to stretch those limits until they caught up with other kids their age. The 9 year old is getting there. Heck, he only learned to ride his bike this summer! So I'm thinking he might take a little longer than the girls to get the swimming thing down. But he will get it eventually.

I think if one day I have the luxury of a pool all to myself every day, I might be able to teach myself to swim as well!