Aspies For Freedom

If he does this when he's tired, don't talk about anything important when he's tired, and just let him rest.
He may be mentally exhausted and you want to chat, but you know he will react badly because he is tired, so maybe you could do something together that doesnt involve talking, like playing a video game, watch a dvd, or go to bed early so he can rest. It might help.

Some men get cranky when they are "in the mood" and they think you're not!  When my husband seems to be tired and testy, he's usually much more cheerful after some "sexual healing" (the title of a great song by Marvin Gaye).

That's a guy thing, not an Aspie thing.

I don't know how similar it is, but once in a while (sadly, doesn't happen especially often, as I seldom get a good opportunity) when I have been programming, intensely focused for quite a while, I end up in a state of hyperfocus where, just like during meditation, my sense "self" gets blurred. Manical is good description, altought I can feel somewhat maniacal as well. :lol:

When I end up in such a state, I certainly don't want it to be disturbed, which loss of focus inevitably results in; it is a quite fragile state. Few things are as distracting as conversations (the presence of someone who talks is enough), and if someone ruined it, I would be very annoyed. (and I don't doubt that I would become raging mad if it happened many times in a row)


Also, as I get increasingly tired, I find speaking increasingly tiresome and annoying. Having to say something I'm not intrested in, like an answer to a question of any topic I don't want to discuss at the moment, eventually becomes a very irritating burden, and I try not to say a single word more than absolutely needed. If I on top of that happen to be sleep-deprived (it is much, much worse then), I find many voices, particularly many female ones, very annoying to listen to. (as annoying as, and actually quite similar to, having some incredibly uncomfortable clothes rub against your skin for some time. you eventually feel like tearing them off on the spot and destroying them in a violent manner. the difference here is that the only way to stop the itch is to shut up the one speaking, who will likely respond to your every response)

I agree with the hyperfocus theory.

I also get annoyed sometimes by conversation and other interruptions, such as the telephone ringing, when I am trying to stay focused on a particular task.

Mild criticism might not bother me at other times, but it seems much more annoying than usual if I am tired and just had my train of thought interrupted.

"If I want to discuss minor issues about which I am only slightly disappointed or upset, he reacts by telling me I am "mean" or "hostile". He gets totally offended and demands that I apologize."

The when and where of the discussion is more annoying than the issues themselves.  If they are just minor issues, then why bother discussing them?  If you can take care of them, just do it.  If it is for nagging like "you left the towel on the floor again", etc - just pick it up or leave it there.  

I just think everyone should have premarital counselling - because nagging is just bad for everyone.  

If you need to remind him of something important - make a note for him, phone him and leave a message or get him to put it in his day-timer etc.  Some aspies are absent-minded but you might have to learn to accept it rather than try to change him.

"I know I can be hyper-sensitive to criticism. Even to this day, it's one of the surest ways to get me crying (also, frustration). I don't think I cry easily, but I have a few buttons that can be pushed... This is especially true if the criticism came from someone for whom I have a great amount of respect; I suppose I do take it personally, and see it as a decreased value judgement of me by this person.

Also, I know I too am prone to taking the smallest negative comments from my fiancee as again, personal attacks. I'm sure that the severity of my response depends on my mood, which is usually linked to the amount of stress I'm under... and I know I hyperfocus more when I'm stressed over something. "

This could almost be word for word how I feel about criticism too. It is worse when it comes from someone I like and respect as I think it means they don't like and respect me anymore.

I think in a relationship with an Aspie person, it is important to avoid criticising as it is nearly always sure to be taken badly - this doesn't mean accepting abuse but just to be careful, very careful. Praise generally is far better than criticism with any person, Aspie or not.

I think it is usually pointless to criticise a person anyway. They will generally take it as a hostile act.

Yes, I seem to be better at picking up on visual cues rather than verbal.

And does she seem to understand your point?

Well, keep fingers crossed that it stays that way.

Logic is overrated.  Anyone who tries to logic me out of a bad mood is likely to cop an earful or a smack in the mouth.

And that includes this  psychologist with his "where's the evidence " stuff.  Yes, I KNOW there's no "evidence" for an irrational belief like nobody likes me, it's not "logical" to assume that... but I do.  That's why I'm seeing a *** shrink in the first place!

I take mild criticism VERY personally, for a couple of reasons I'm aware of and no doubt a whole swag of unconscious ones as well.

1. I take criticism as an assumption that I haven't aready noticed it's not perfect.  Actually, I don't have a lot of faith in myself, so whatever you're criticising I've already torn to shreds and analysed to death myself.  I don't NEED to hear it again, I know.  I just can't do any better.
2.  I've been criticised a LOT for things outside my control - like motor skills problems or attention deficit.  So I've come to associate criticism with people having a free kick.
3.  I'm doing my best.  I work *** hard, even if the end result isn't that flash.  So obviously if someone assumes the reason I can't do as well as someone else is I'm not trying, I'm going to get angry.

I got the "it's not what you say it's how you say it" a LOT as a kid.  But, nobody every actually explained WHAT was wrong with how I said it - the wording, the tone of voice, the timing, what?  It's one of those things 'normal' people are supposed to pick up by osmosis, I suppose.

Sorry... could you explain this bit?  Can't follow it at all.  Sorry.  If this comes back to how if you can't have a wonderful free flowing conversation (under pressure, at that!) you're just not trying, that's actually not particularly helpful.

Well, if I had a missing twin, I just found her.