I tend to do physical things and tune out the world and daydream about
something unrelated to the physical task. Like I could do simple operations
on a machine tool like a lathe over-n-over on auto pilot while thinking
about say an invention I was working on. If somebody was to say anything
at all to me I would loose focus(on my daydream) and not like that. If
you said something remotely critical I would be very upset. No question
when I'm tired it would be more upsetting. Myself I never take a critical
comment the right way at first. But I'm honest and usually understand
much later people usually were not meaning things in a negative way.
The problem is before I get to the "much later" I might throw 20 lbs blocks
of steel across the building, say alot of bad words, then move to the
most remote location in the building and work on some other task.
While I mostly agree with the suggestions and analysis, my opinion is that they are a
little too AS centric. I have had the same behaviour for a number of years, and I have
seen the same behaviour in my father for more than 10 years.
Asking the other to adapt and "understand" how I feel in a specific moment simply does
not work, because it becomes a request to guess how I feel. That is: every time the other
wants to talk to me he/she has to stop, and think, and guess, and bring up a rationale.
That is too much, it leads to anxiety and frustration. I could not stand it when other
people demanded that to me.
AS or not, I do not have "the right" to ignore the other, or to react badly for little
things, or to demand the other to tolerate my bad mood.
If I do not want to talk about something I have to ask if "PLEASE can we talk about it
later?". The use of calm voice and the little magic word is required; I owe them to a
person that is trying to accept me.
I have seen where excess of demanding has led my father/mother interaction. Some days
I wish they had divorced. And my father now is only capable of saying "I am not responsible",
but he is. That is the truth. Exactly because is has refused to understand his own
behaviour and discharged the load on my mother's shoulders.
There are females who will destroy their identity rather than break up a relation, and
we have to respect their weakness. This is part of being a man. It is not that years later
we will be happy if we do not do it.
crna_kuna: I am also curious... are there more of you sensitive to criticism or reactions
of others like this?
Yes, you sound exactly like my father, and me too for a while.
I know I can be hyper-sensitive to criticism. Even to this day, it's one of the surest ways to get me crying (also, frustration). I don't think I cry easily, but I have a few buttons that can be pushed... This is especially true if the criticism came from someone for whom I have a great amount of respect; I suppose I do take it personally, and see it as a decreased value judgement of me by this person.
Also, I know I too am prone to taking the smallest negative comments from my fiancee as again, personal attacks. I'm sure that the severity of my response depends on my mood, which is usually linked to the amount of stress I'm under... and I know I hyperfocus more when I'm stressed over something.
My opinions may not be valid for all aspies... I havent been formally diagnosed, but I test pretty high on the various scales and had the strangest childhood...
I can get like this quite frequently and lose control of myself often. But i have not got a girlfriend and some of the comments i hear are awful. You will never get a girlfriend you Geek/Freak. And i just think oh well its them not me.
Oh! He's a programmer. So am I. I had never heard of "hyperfocus" before I read this thread, but I've experienced it often. I seldom am able to hyperfocus on programming anymore because I'm bored with it. I get distracted from it easily at work and it a bit of a problem for me. Different subject.
However, when I get in a state of hyperfocus, don't talk to me. One time I was working on a car of mine (a new object of obsession) and a friend and neighbor came over to see what I was doing, as he is also interested in cars. I was in the middle of doing something that was really difficult and absorbing. (I'm not naturally mechanically inclined.) He was talking to me and I just didn't want to talk to him. I was busy. Of course, I didn't say so like a decent person might, I just didn't pay any attention to him and answered him in short, tight replies. So, he left.
As soon as I was finished with that task, I went over to his house to visit with him. His wife told me that her husband was upset and told her that we had an arguement. What??!!! I was just busy. Luckily, he's an easy going, and forgiving NT, and I was able to tell him that I didn't mean to upset him. I was just really focused on what I was doing and didn't want to stop just then. I just put that in my mental folder. "Be careful about NT's feelings when you are busy."
However, unlike the BF of the author of this thread, I didn't insult him. Hyperfocus might be an explaination for his behavior, but not an excuse. He has no reason to call her names and be impolite.
And I agree with everyone who said to not talk to him when he is like that.
Hi - I am wondering if anyone can help me with this challenge. My boyfriend, when he is tired, gets very testy. To me (NT), it seems like he completely misinterprets my comments and mood. If I want to discuss minor issues about which I am only slightly disappointed or upset, he reacts by telling me I am "mean" or "hostile". He gets totally offended and demands that I apologize. This is really ruining our relationship. I rarely can see why he is so offended... and then I, in turn, feel offended when accuses me of being a b-tch. He will often walk out of the room, or stonewall me (ignore me). I then feel very taken for granted, along with very confused, about what is going on with(in) him.
I'm mild self-proclaimed AS and I when I am tired, I have to stop, and make myself think when my wife or someone at work for example has questions, suggestions or criticism. My best times are in the morning but in the late afternoon and beyond, discussions and questions are often tiresome. I used the word 'tired' and by that I mean having had my fill of question-and-answer or other similar social interaction for the work day. While easier or fun for most NTs, some aspies find Q&A, discussion, criticism harder. It may sound selfish, but sometimes I don't like questions about my work when I come home at night. I know the questions -really- are not mean or insulting, but I get literal-minded and then find myself going over the whole day again in my mind when I would rather us have a quiet dinner or enjoy a video together. I sometimes forget that most "normal" (?) verbal exchanges are not really the police interrogations or dismissive rebuffs they feel like, but instead are like an informal sport; throwing a ball back and forth. I have to remember that the NT person I am interacting with needs more commiserating or empathy than I do, and needs a little "back-and-forth" in the conversation whether agreement or disagreement. I remind myself that a question like "How was your day at work" does not have to be answered like a military after-action report; that it is just a nice social interaction.
This has been real eye opening to me and very helpful as someone with a aspie boyfriend. I'm very glad I found this thread and asked my boyfriend to read it with me when he is rested and not tired.
I used to by hyper-sensitive to criticicism when I was younger. Now, I got it into the 'Don't trust anyone, that's just asking to be betrayed' mindset, I have gone to the opposite extereme and will just dismiss it as stupid people.
Of course, when I have had my fill of interaction, critisms can make me return to a younger me, if that makes sense. But then just social interactions can push it in themselves.
Yep, I have a problem with criticism too. My when I was growing up, criticism from my mother was the worst.
My other problem is teasing.. I find it very hard to tell when NT's are just having a bit of fun or teasing me to be personally mean. Probably because I grew up with a lot of teasing.
My boyfriend has developed a tactic to help me with this.. and it's really ammusing.. when he's not intending to be mean but wants to have a bit of a joke about something I might have done he puts his thumb to his nose with his hand spread and pulls a bit of a face. Of course this is a very obvious 'silly' gesture so it's easy for me to tell he's just being silly and not 'attacking' me, even if his tone might sound like he is.
thats is so sweet! nothing silly there... just naturally loveable!
I like to tease quiet a lot...like playing and being all coy and stuff... flirty...
That may really confuse an aspie i guess...I shoudl find a way of showing him that i mean playing in a good way and not just to be mean or so...
I hate it when somebody criticises me, especially when it is about something I have tried hard at or that is out of my control. I also hate joking criticism since I find it hard to tell whether it is a joke or not.
help! neither can my NT mom or sisters!
Ah, humanity is full of frustrations.
Heh. I have had problems with criticism too, though am not in relationship status as of now... A status such as this is hard to change when you don't interact with anybody but friends and family, and for friends it is online.
Ah, well, I need to basically take a break from life-stuff right now, which unfortunately I can't really do because I have to learn to do laundry and stuff. But I can spend hour after hour on AFF and listening to music and swimming and trying not to faint (it's not even getting that hot right now, and I'm drinking good enough fluids, but I keep feeling like I'm going to faint).
Besides, there's always fan fiction...
I hate criticism except, when I consent to it. A teacher may criticize me because that the deal. When I was married, I didn’t accept criticism from my spouse, I had to be right.
My current relationship is very different. I’ve given him official permission to correct me. This has made things much simpler. For example, we were in an emotional conversation about a touchy topic in our relationship and right in the middle, he corrected my pronunciation.
I reacted with "Oh okay, thank you", made a mental note and resumed the topic. I find it amusing how we can do that. It's such a relief to accept it as simply data rather than an attack. It doesn’t indicate that he is being condescending or discounting the worth of my thoughts. We both view it as debugging or enhancing (mental) software.
Cool! Yeah, that sort of criticism is what I consider okay, though if I'm in a bad mood it'll make me angry, but I take out the anger by cursing or shaking, and make it clear to the other person I'm not upset at them, but at myself for making the error (which isn't entirely true - but it's not fair for the other person to bear the emotional blunt, and since I recognize this I try to keep it that way).
My mom usually proves impossible to correct, or even to suggest the possibility that there may be a better way of doing things. Showing the logical steps of reasoning, even when it's something dry and emotionally detached thing like a schedule that uses less gas, there is an emotion she attaches to her idea of how to do things, sort of like she personalizes it as HER patented itinerary.
My sisters have done the same thing. My older sister once when she was at about age 17 went into a total screaming meltdown (she's NT though) because her egg didn't come out just the way she likes, and mom refused to cook her a new egg and wanted her to eat the one she'd cooked, and then she went into this whole long thing about how mom must hate her and how she's evil because she didn't want to cook an egg, and if you slightly hinted at the absurdity of the situation, then she would have growled at you (mind you this is the sister who is generally far nicer and reasonably rule-abiding), and on her way to work in which my mom and my other sister and me were in too, she was screaming and crying and chewing on her napkin and I started going into meltdown mode, screaming and hitting myself and the car, and it was a real mess, and it lasted over half an hour in the car.
one where they made everyone stare into their partner's eyeballs for several minutes
O.O What exactly is that supposed to do? Filter out the autistics from participating?
Yikes. Besides, what has that got to do with better communication anyway? When people use non-verbal communication with eyes, it's because they're interpreting emotions behind expressions, not because winning a staring contest will make you a better communicator!