Hi - I am wondering if anyone can help me with this challenge. My boyfriend, when he is tired, gets very testy. To me (NT), it seems like he completely misinterprets my comments and mood. If I want to discuss minor issues about which I am only slightly disappointed or upset, he reacts by telling me I am "mean" or "hostile". He gets totally offended and demands that I apologize. This is really ruining our relationship. I rarely can see why he is so offended... and then I, in turn, feel offended when accuses me of being a b-tch. He will often walk out of the room, or stonewall me (ignore me). I then feel very taken for granted, along with very confused, about what is going on with(in) him.
I knew I could rely on Amy for great common-sense advice. Thanks to you, as well, Bonnie. There is something more with the testiness. My boyfriend experiences something he describes as a "high" when he has been coding for a long time. The testiness seems to be part of the high; so it seems like a manic episode type of thing to me.... but I don't think that's exactly right, either. When I am very happy, it does not make me more testy, it makes me less testy. What do you both think of this?
this is so helpful! what is hyper-focus? i have never heard of it before. but these ideas sound more accurate than mania.
this is excellent, the wikipedia entry, i mean. it is a better term than mania. hyperfocus is definitely the state my boyfriend is in when he does his best creative coding work.
i have my own issues!! like learning when and how to express my feelings, and being sensitive to my partner's needs. it's awfully difficult learning to relate well with my boyfriend, and to communicate well, but i am grateful for the sensitivity-development course that being with him amounts to for me. i can be really tactless, and this can affect my life negatively sometimes.... anytime a more tactful response would be better than the more direct way i usually prefer.
From personal/relational experience as an Aspie with an ADD partner, and professionally as a clinical social worker-
I completely agree with both the advice to wait until he's not tired and to not try to bring up small things while he's in hyperfocus or just finishing hyperfocus.
One way you may approach this would be to ask him (sometime when he is not in either of the above situations) what times work best for him, or what signs he could help you identify to know when would be a bad/good time. Also, he may have some ideas about better/worse ways to approach this- would he prefer writing, many things at once or just one at a time, or E-mails? Would a list of what is bothering you help him to be able to avoid such things?
One other thing to keep in mind with people with Aspergers, especially those of us who weren't identified as such until adulthood, is that we have faced a lot of unfair criticism that doesn't make sense to us or is about stuff that is beyond our control. So our defenses are often up at minor criticism, at least until we can figure out if it's accurate or really a problem. But, there are lots of ways to get around this:
-Don't criticize unless absolutely necessary
-Prioritize your criticism, and question yourself before you bring up anything that's not a high priority (dangerous, beyond your ability to tolerate, or something that he's previously agreed to)
-Rather than criticizing, try bringing it up as a problem to be solved. You could try something like:
-I'm wondering if you could help me to strategize about something. I have trouble entering the bedroom because the dirty clothes are piled up in the doorway. How can we solve this problem so that you don't have to do any more work you don't like to do, and I can enter the bedroom safely?
***There are several advantages to this, assuming that you can convey genuineness about wanting to problem solve. Many AS people enjoy puzzles and problem solving. Also, it takes the blame away. Plus, many common home management and NT ways of doing things just simply don't work for AS brains, but often there are other ways to do things that work better for us.
One other thing... one part of our relationship that we had to figure out that cut our fighting drastically was that there were simply times that I needed "alone time," and I needed to communicate that clearly and my partner needed to respect that. Planning ahead is a good idea when possible, for example, after a long day of social activity, many AS people will likely do better with some alone time.
Also, we've found it helpful for both of us to have a code word for when an argument needs to stop immediately. When I'm overstimulated or too worked up about something, I can't think or talk or listen. So, when I reach that point, if I say "I'm all done" and stop talking, that's the code to be done with the argument for the time. If it's important, it can be continued later, but it's destructive to continue past the point when someone is feeling so overwhelmed that they can't input/output any more.
I hope some of this was helpful. I'm glad that you're trying to figure out a solution.
-Jay
I recognize the part on hyperfocus. Sometimes when my mom intrudes and asks me for something or wants me to do something else, like to come and eat dinner, I either just say 'yes yes later' and stay at what I was busy with or I get frustrated/angry/annoyed. It could also be related to changing from one focus to another, I sometimes get angry when I have to switch activity (for example when I need to go to university or work and I was just working on something on the computer). Afterwards I don't mind, but the switching itself annoys me and sometimes I hurt myself when I am really upset because I need to switch. It does help then though, to get the frustration out, and then I am also quicker (otherwise sometimes it's very chaotic in my mind and I am very nervous and cannot think and act properly/quick/systematically)
One other thing to keep in mind with people with Aspergers, especially those of us who weren't identified as such until adulthood, is that we have faced a lot of unfair criticism that doesn't make sense to us or is about stuff that is beyond our control. So our defenses are often up at minor criticism, at least until we can figure out if it's accurate or really a problem.
very familiar too! criticism itself also upsets me and indeed a lot with stuff I feel is beyond my control (especially when I try being spontaneous and it's 'kicked down'). And also, I tend to misinterpret it as being an attack/hostility/rejection of who I am. This is nasty stuff. I think it has to do with bad experiences maybe. Maybe also predisposition, or as I read once, that aspies have problems understanding 'what you do' is something else than 'who you are' so this might lead to hypersensitivity to criticism (criticism is interpreted as rejection of you as a person and as the antithesis or denial of love) this then leads to much pain which can come out as anger. I do have a tendency to feel really hurt by criticism. Especially some forms of it, but also in some situations more, especially if I feel the other 'walks over my feelings' or 'doesn't understand me' by attacking me on sensitive issues or while I am trying to express myself on sensitive issues, then I can really get furious. Because I really feel very deeply hurt then (and I cannot show hurt very well so it comes out in anger)
I am also curious... are there more of you sensitive to criticism or reactions of others like this? My psych said that my sensitivity to criticism is a contra-indication to autism. eg proof of not being autistic... could this be true or is she just old-fashioned in her criteria?!?
I don't know how similar it is, but once in a while (sadly, doesn't happen especially often, as I seldom get a good opportunity) when I have been programming, intensely focused for quite a while, I end up in a state of hyperfocus where, just like during meditation, my sense "self" gets blurred. Manical is good description, altought I can feel somewhat maniacal as well. :lol:
I think this is what athletes call "the zone".
As long as it doesn't mean giving in all the time.
I tend to get defensive because I am very perfectionistic and don't like to make mistakes.
Logic is overrated. Anyone who tries to logic me out of a bad mood is likely to cop an earful or a smack in the mouth.
And that includes this psychologist with his "where's the evidence " stuff. Yes, I KNOW there's no "evidence" for an irrational belief like nobody likes me, it's not "logical" to assume that... but I do. That's why I'm seeing a *** shrink in the first place!
I take mild criticism VERY personally, for a couple of reasons I'm aware of and no doubt a whole swag of unconscious ones as well.
1. I take criticism as an assumption that I haven't already noticed it's not perfect. Actually, I don't have a lot of faith in myself, so whatever you're criticising I've already torn to shreds and analysed to death myself. I don't NEED to hear it again, I know. I just can't do any better.
2. I've been criticised a LOT for things outside my control - like motor skills problems or attention deficit. So I've come to associate criticism with people having a free kick.
3. I'm doing my best. I work *** hard, even if the end result isn't that flash. So obviously if someone assumes the reason I can't do as well as someone else is I'm not trying, I'm going to get angry.
I got the "it's not what you say it's how you say it" a LOT as a kid. But, nobody every actually explained WHAT was wrong with how I said it - the wording, the tone of voice, the timing, what? It's one of those things 'normal' people are supposed to pick up by osmosis, I suppose.
Hmm, I won't even go to any counsellors any more. It just doesn't seem worth the trouble and aggravation but no doubt it helps some people. Over time, I'm getting a bit more confident within myself but am still very touchy about criticism.
I can criticise something I do but if somebody else does the same, I don't usually like it. Silky's idea of giving her partner permission to correct her could work for some of us, but we would have to be able to trust that the other person has our welfare in mind and won't just take free kicks at us or go on an ego trip.
I don't trust very many people though. I mean, I trust most people to a degree but there are very few I would trust enough to give permission to criticise.
I think it also gets back to how the information is conveyed. It's possible to say a person could do something in a different way that would be more effective without making it sound as if they are wrong and stupid but I don't always know the best way of putting it.
Oh, I'm not that much of a perfectionist but do have high standards for myself and others generally and it's really difficult to get out of that mindset even though if I did, I'd most likely be a happier person. All the same, I think it's important to have some standards in life. Otherwise, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.