Aspies For Freedom

Many times certain people say don't you wish Haley was more "normal"
then they go on to tell me what a hard time she is going to have next year when she starts middle grades. I have actually had one family member say that I should "make" her act like all the other "popular " kids.

I love my daughter just as she is and I feel her aspergers is a gift not a curse.
If you have seen the way most "normal " kids her age act then why in gods name would I want her to be more like them???

My daughter is a bookworm, she talks like a professor and can tell you everything about almost anything. I have adults ask her questions all the time because they know it is one of her areas of experetise.
I feel as long as I keep her doing the things she likes to do such as drama, storytelling, book challenges... she will make it through the middle grades just fine and she will make friends with peers who are like minded and share common interests.
and those interests aren't boys, clothes, celebrities, partying.....

I feel very blessed by all of my children no matter what, they are all unique and I am glad because the world would be a very boring place without "differences".

Hi Julia and welcome.

I can see how you feel, my son is fantastic and I wouldn't change him for the world.

thanks, I am glad to be here and eager to talk to more parents as I have found there isn't a big community where i live that have the same experiences.

My husband always asks how did she get aspergers? I tell him I don't know but I am glad she has it.

He also feels he should explain her condition to others; she is very well behaved I guess most people would classify her as a geek. She reads EVERYTHING.
The only "problem" I guess I have and would very much welcome some advise from any parent who has experienced this is that she will put anything in her mouth, she is 12,  I try to keep straws in stock so she will at least have sanitary to chew on, i can't get my husband to understand for her it is almost a coping skill,  when she is feeling bored, or worried or overwhelmed she will often need something to chew on or will walk in circles.  any advise, it doesn't bother me but for her social aspect I hope to keep her from putting something "gross" in her mouth in front of others. Julia

Current research points strongly to autism being genetic, that does not have to mean that it is inherited directly from parents, though that can be the case.

I love to chew on my gatorade and propell rings (the rings of plastic attached to the cap) first a bit it so it looks like a square, then I bit it to look like an octogon, then I just mangle it.

Maybe tell her to only chew stuff in private, like in the car or the bathroom, or at home when company is not over.

Julia, that is an oral stim, stimming is self stimulation which is very common for autistics, it includes rocking, pacing, tapping, spinning, chewing, and vocal stims like repeating favourite words.

They help relieve stress.

most NT's chew on their pens and pencils, maybe you can give her a clean pen to chew on, be careful of ink explosions though.... I have a funny story of that...

Hi Julia, welcome to AFF!  Yes, chewing is very common.  Does your daughter like gum?  When I was a kid, my mom gave me gum to distract me from socially unacceptable stuff like chewing on my hair.

My husband didn't want our kids to have gum because he thought it was a bad habit and would end up all over the carpet.  So when our son was little, all of the plastic utensils, cups, etc., got chewed to bits.  He did outgrow the chewing eventually (when he was about your daughter's age), but he still rocks sometimes, or walks in circles.  It's definitely genetic in our case; I also rock or pace in circles when I feel stressed, and there are several autistics and people with autistic traits in my extended family.

thanks for all the feedback, I know it is an oral stim , it is my husband
that just doesn't get it.
I work with people that have  developmental disabilities and mental health issues so I am more understanding, as I am more knowledgable about disorders ect... I am trying to get him to learn more about  aspergers, but he is 43 and is just now finding out he has a a few problems he is just now realizing and seeking help for, such as OCD.
Hopefully the more he learns about his own issues the more he will come to understand my daughter.

It is funny her therapist told her that she reminds him so much of a professor he had in college that it is like listening to a female version of him. She thought that was extremely funny.

We are giving her a birthday party tomorrow and my husband it terrified that no one will show up because Haley isn't the most understood or popular kid in the class,I told him oh well it will be their loss and we will just go ahead and have a great time anyway.

I am about to leave work now, thanks so much it feels  incrediable to be able to discuss things with people who have been there done that....

Have a great weekend, I will probably be back on here tonight when I get home.

Hi, juliashaye. What you've been saying reminds me of my own mother.

When I was younger, although nobody knew I had Asperger's, people were often put off by, or disapproving of, my differences. My mother's family would often tell her that she wasn't raising me right and that I needed more discipline; parents of other children in the schools I attended would alternate between envy of my reading abilities and contempt for my lack of social skills--and those are just other parents, don't get me started on my own peers.

Last week, my mother told me that she was never angry at me, only at the people who disapproved of me. (She also said that she wanted to tell her brothers and sisters, "Let's see where our children are in 20 years, and we'll see who's raising whom right," but she didn't, because it would have been rude. And indeed, one of my cousins got so angry at his parents--I don't even know why--that he stopped talking to them for years.)

High school and middle school will probably be very difficult. But it sounds like you will be one of your daughter's greatest supports.

Oh my, how this thread has brought back the memories!  I used to chew through my clothes when I was a child - the school uniform called for a horrible turtle-neck type collar under a shift in winter, and I used to chew holes right through the high collar, or else through the cuffs at the wrist.  My poor mum used to be forever mending it, then got fed up and taught me how to do it!  I switched to a more socially-acceptable stim in high school - I started chewing the end of my biro!  
Alison

Julia, I understand where you're coming from. That people would assume things about your perception or ability to raise your child, unbelivable. And the family member that said you should "make" her act like all the other "popular" kids. I would've been biting my lip, to try to keep from saying something like, "Ok, so I should teach my daughter how to act dumb and airheaded, and giggle like a 3 year old around boys who she should worship like they're infallable beings?!"

I know, most people may find this point of view contraversial maybe, but this is how I see things. You can tell people, "At least I'll never have to worry about finding out that Haley is hanging out with a bad crowd, that I will get a phone call that she was taken advantage of by a "popular" boy, or that she has ODed on drugs, because she was so easily influenced by peer pressure.

Go ahead, tell me again why I should force my daughter to be "normal"? I want her to acheive more than getting a spot on a Girls Gone Wild videotape. What is wrong with her not desiring to lower herself to the lowest common denominator? It isn't ladylike? It won't make her friends? There is a reason why bad things tend to happen to popular people, because instead of their parents instilling a sense of self-worth in them, they instilled a sense of worthlessness. Do anything to be accepted, even if it lands you in a casket. I feel sorry for you, that you have a "normal" daughter who's pursuits in life will only be getting a date with the popular jock, and attaining the latest fashions.

While Haley will be in collage, acheiving, perhaps even become famous for helping advance science, or the human race in one of her endevors. Frankly as I see it, "normal" people should strive to be more like my daughter."

Sorry that got so long, but I mean really. I'm sure you know how infuriating it is that society still expects women to be vapid empty people, only to be used and taken advantage of. That is something that is idealized? There is something wrong with a girl who has Asperger's Syndrome, and isn't interested in getting into serious trouble, only to turn around and vapidly go "OMG like how did this happen?!"

Alot of this to me seems to be examplified by the Natalee Halloway news story. Yes what happened to Natalee is terrible. However, if her mother spent less time on teaching her daughter to be pretty, popular, and a cheerleader, and more time teaching her basic street smarts..and how to use her brain, it's almost sure that she wouldn't have been in Aruba partying with her friends. She would be alive and studying and acheiving more with her life. That's really what it comes down to, that parents reap what they sew in a sense. Either you instill in your child that it's more important to like yourself rather than sacrificing yourself to be popular and accepted, or you teach your child you only are somebody if somebody thinks you're the popular girl.

I wish you and Haley luck in the future. I also wanted to mention, that Boomerang on cable/sattelite is rerunning episodes of Dexter's Labortory. I think you and Haley would like the show, since it's based alot on Aspie humor.

thanks, so many time want to paint the side of my van with that very same sentiment.
I have a 17 year old step-daughter who is that very thing, her mother has taught her that cute and dumb will get her everywhere in life. we recently found out she is having sex(no big suprise), I wrote her a letter trying to convince her to reconsider doing it again, why she should have more respect for herself etc. Well she called her Dad after she read it and said I called  and thought of her as a slut. He told me she wouldn't understand the meaning behind my letter and I guess i should have listened but I feel one day she will thank me for being honest with her and trying to save her from a life of regret.
I focus on my own children who I know I have raised to think and be themselves no matter if they aren't "popular". My 21 year old son is still saving himself for marriage, working, and going to school. He has the same group of friends that he had all from high school and youth group.
they are all free of trouble, drug problems, working at being successful
and responsibile citizens who want to make their world a better place.
that is what should be popular instead parents are raising their children to think the world will be handed to them , when the real world hits them they can't cope.

My daughter is learning to make friends and I feel the few friends she does have that share the same interests and have dreams of being something one day will probably still be friends throughout high school and college.
They are all  beautiful girls and unique and thankfully their parents feel the same way I do when it comes to values and what is really important in life. So I feel truely blessed.
thanks for your comment, I wish we could broadcast it on the mainstream TV stations instead of all this trash that is on there now, telling kids that it is okay to do whatever you feel as long as it is what they want, god forbid they should tell their children they don't approve of their behavior, or style of dress, don't want to shatter their"self -esteem.
they need to be raising them to know what and where real self-esteem come from
                         julia shaye

I appreciate what you are saying - I did not fit in with the girls at school except for one or two like me!

I too had a chewing problem (at least my mother decided to allow me to suck my fingers - it was safer than the tiny light bulbs I preferred!) and so have my sons and daughter. I got fed up with repairing the cuffs on their school jumpers.

I am 48 and more-or-less cope with the NT world on my own terms. I have been a successful business woman and mother of five, and grandmother. I have been happily married for 26 years. I do not feel that not joining in with the typical airheaded female behaviour of my youth has had any detrimental effects whatever - quite the reverse, in fact.

Hooray for you and your wonderful attitude to your wonderful daughter.

Amy thanks for saying this. Me and hubby often wondered why our son insists on putting everything in his mouth.
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